Unbelievable

No, I'm not finished!

I'm a bit of a writer, and this blog has given me a strong will to write. I wish to write more!


I have a point here, that has arisen in earlier posts, but that I wish to emphasise.

The paranormal is unbelievable.

The paranormal is unbelievable. Society has evolved to see things more clearly through the eyes of science and has ditched overboard a number of superstitions and 'folk beliefs' - just imagine for a moment a system of psychiatry that worked around beliefs in ghosts and interfering spirits! (But that has already come about thanks to the works of spirit release psychiatrists using hypnotherapy). Moreover, the paranormal is unbelievable because it is by defintion beyond normal, a reference I suppose to the kind of normality bounded by frequency of occurence. A condition so rare it's reality is hard to believe.

Nothing rare about schizophrenia, though - 1 in 100 are supposed to get it.

I acknkowledge having had schizophrenic experiences and fiunctioning. I just wish I wasn't so unvalidated in the other kinds of experiences I have - yup, the paranormal ones.

Why can't schizophrenic people be mediumistic, like anyone else? (Mediumistic, ie able to pick up communciations from spiritual beings, and spiritual beings, ie beings not of our physical world discerned by five senses). There are two things here: one a belief in the possible of being mediumistic, and the other the belief in schizophrenic people being mediumistic, and the two of those beliefs taken together as reality would change scientifc thinking in psychiatry forever.

Strange: we have a blanket ban on voices as being a sign of insanity. Isn't that disrespectful of spiritualists? - What a conundrum - it's not disrespectful if you see it as a black and white reality.

I mention above being unvalidated. In my 'world' there is hardly anyone who wholeheartedly believes in my interpretation of my experience, a healer. He is a spiritual healer. In his world it is common - common - to be trained to remove souls of departed people that are disembodied and that have attached themselves to the energetic bodies of clients from where they can influence a person's mentality. Others are trained to go to houses and perform 'space clearing', which can involve a kind of exporcism whereby a spirit is helped to move on to their rightful place in the next world.

I'm getting angry. We have such disparity in our society - on one hand the many religions, which preach of good behaviour to satsisfy a spiritual God and teach of the existence of the soul and another spiritual world that we go to after death, and , the Christians, who have as part of their sacred scriptures the injunction to "cast out demons". I wish I could cast out demons. I'm sure those with NO spiritual sensitivity and NO paranormal experiences might insist that such passages be dismissed as superstition (just as science discounted the statements of rapid Creation of the Biblical passage Genesis).

- So on the one hand there is religion, talking of the soul and Heaven, and embarrassing smatterings of demonology, and on the other there is science that dismisses sensitivity as insanity.

"THERE ARE ONLY FIVE SENSES", my psychiatrist said. he didn't 'shout' in capitals, as I just did!, but you see what I mean. You get the point - they don't believe in it, not at all.

However recently, I said this to my psychiatrist in a review: "I hear the voices of my father, great uncle and others everyday, I hear ghosts around me [pleading almost] 'We're real'..." - a vivd  imagination, he suggested was the cause of this. What about old-fashioned mediumisticness as an explanation? This world-view does not have an equal footing in our society. The doctor did, by way of compromise and keeping the peace take the conversation back to 'functionality', ie the extent to which I am able to interact with daily life as anyone else can.

I suppose the big problem for the doctor is the point at which my beliefs about 'mediumisticness' become beliefs about mental inteference, about spiritual beings interefering with my mind - then his ears prick up and he has to step in.

I acknowledge, from experience, that what I go through is paranormal even by the standards of some paranormalists. Being powerfullly telepathic and talking about interfence with that causes disbelief, though it's 'OK' in some company to hear voices that are unfriendly.

So eventually I'm left hearing voices I say are real and even not wholly feeling like I'm telling the truth, like I myself am unconvinced, and that, apart from being a state of psychic torment, is undesirable, because you feel alone. Except I'm not alone - I have many celestial friends who support me and buoy me up with their friendship; - it must be frustrating for them, because they see everything, and for them what I go through is perfectly rational.

I end this post with a wish - that there be more belief in the world, more open-mindedness towards what is unusual.

Post Script

I guess... I guess I've run out of things to say... For now.

I hope what I have said will be of value to someone. This blog has come out of my thinking on my condition for some years, so it represents a lot of careful consideration and research.

I will add to this blog next year (2010), when I hope to try life without medicine.

Maybe I'll add posts sooner - if I can think of any.

Good luck to anyone out there reading this who has a condition like mine.

Attack Psychology

In this post I ask, what is it that causes a person to seek to induce injury without just cause? This is a question that is likely interesting to most adults, because we all know of evil happenings in the world. The question has relevance to my Life because, in my interpretation of my experience, I am very often harassed by others - people who have died and who have avoided ascending to Heaven.

There may be many answers, such as 'envy', 'curiosity', 'need', 'drug addiction', even 'justice'.

The very nature of our existence on earth, spiritually speaking, leaves us open to this; it is said that in Heaven we review our lives and feel the effects of our influence on others' emotions - on Earth apparent separateness permits us to be unfeeling more easily. Causing injury can become a form of entertainment through not feeling another's pain directly, where direct empathy would make such actions unbearable.

Secondly, malevolence is simply one person using their power to affect another so that they notice them, or so that the other notices someone else when the malevolent person is undetected. This could be seen as a call for attention, a call to recognise dignity.

One of the most common causes for causing injury without just cause must in fact be a mistaken perception of justice - perhaps prejudice calls for a person to feel it is right to injure another. (And even regular connotations of justice can be seen as unjust when they extend to punishment, if we follow a Christian view - Jesus interceded to prevent the stoning of a woman who had been 'unfaithful' to her husband).

Spirituality can awaken within us a great concern and care for other living things, which prevents us from being heavy-handed with other Life-forms - in the absence of such a mindset, the will to cause injury unjustly has a free rein. Adulthood likewise often breaks off from a person inclinations to hurt others out of course. - And actually causing injury is usually only appropriate as part of medical procedures, as I see it, or also (by convention only), during war.

Human nature has a tendency towards charity, but it is easy for the innocence with which we emerge into the world to be conditioned towards other courses, merely through our own thoughts and reactions to circumstances. One person comes to freely persecute and torment another with a calm mind because they believe it is right. It must be the legitimating thought process that is key to the cause and solution of malevolence. We injure because we can, because we are free, and because it seems to be a fitting response to a given circumstance.

Just as to carry out the behaviours of malevolence cause the acting person satisfaction when he or she is successful, so is it also possible to be made joyful by causing pain - an interesting conundrum. And the greater the cause of consternation, the greater or more prolonged the attack will be.

I end this post with a teaching that appears in similar form throughout the world's religions: do to others as you would have them do to you.

Cannabis Use And Schizophrenia

I would like to make a note about cannabis use and schizophrenia. I mentioned in an earlier post that, without any doubt at all, smoking hemp caused me to become ill. I don't really have any expertise in this matter beyond what happened to me, but I disagree with those who say smoking hemp is not dangerous. However, how dangerous is it? Some people use it regularly without developing schizophrenia, while others such as myself are not so 'fortunate'.

Check out this page for more information: http://www.schizophrenia.com/prevention/streetdrugs.html .

It's clear that a major factor in mental health for cannabis users is their age - regarding myself, I was at a trigger point smoking hemp intensively at the age of 18. I will never smoke hemp again, and I wouldn't advocate its use among teenagers or young adults for the very grave reasons of protecting their health, but I do believe it can be used responsibly and enjoyably. I know some of my family members would be incensed by me writing this, knowing what it has done to my Life, and by association theirs, but I stand by this - a kind of modified neutrality. Yet next to the age factor there is also a genetic factor - so if there is a history of schizophrenia in your family, find another way to relax and enjoy yourself and explore your humanity.

PS I believe that teenage drug use comes down to being accounted for by the general emotional health of our society - the more freedom we can give young people, and the more fulfilled and happy they are, the less likely they will be to seek freedom, feeling and joy in uncontrolled drug use. [You will notice that I use the term 'uncontrolled drug use' above; I believe that responsible use of some drugs (the less addictive ones) is possible, for example in psychedelic therapy and indigenous use of some hallucinogens]. I think the education system could be vastly different, where it is compulsory, to allow children to participate willingly and happily, and the immediate knock-on effect of this is in the way they choose to spend their time once they gain independence, whether at 14 or 18 years old. Because young people must eventually gain independence at 18 or so - and then how well fitted are they for this? Healthy adult individuals are those who have not been repressed in their freedom (so they do not then go off the deep end on gaining independence), and who have had fostered within them an active sense of discernment of their own; they feel in command of their lives, they have direction, and they have already found great fulfilment, independently and with the help of their guardians. Not to blame the parents or anything... [or the school system, the government, etc. ...]

What Is Health To Me?

Since becoming ill, I have had a setback in certain aspects of my health - in my sociability (emotions, speech and spontaneity), becoming quite withdrawn and being afraid of encountering my fellow human beings; I had a setback in the lucidity and accuracy of my thinking; I had a challenge to my world-view, which seemed to be disorientated and 'rebooted' (I literally felt like a new person). I also had these symptoms of apparent disturbances to my thinking and feeling, as if another person in spirit watches me and seeks to injure me through my mind.

All of my symptoms change and alleviate, barring the daily influx of low-evolved mentality - I mean barring the apparent malicious disturbances to my thinking and feeling that I believe involve an external and objective reality. So my speech improves, my social graces improve, my thinking has clarified and my world-view has re-emerged from innocence into grounded stability.

And still I am not in full health. The basic effect of the disturbance is distress, and generally, is then my being unnaturally put into 'depression', as we often call it, or heaviness of emotion, fatigue and reluctance to take part in the world. Whatever you define the reality of my condition as, these 'symptoms' of depression and frequent distress are how I, rightfully, earn the financial support of the British people in the form of disability benefits. But I do not accept these benefits of citizenship lightly, I accept them with humble gratitude, and hope to repay these favours in the future.

Health to me is not only feeling good and thinking in the same way as the consensus about the major things in Life it is being able to express this state of mind; as far as I am concerned, my health is good now, except as it is repressed by these overbearing forces of aggression - so to me health is being able to express myself, to live in the Light and to spread the joy I feel, and to be able to pursue my desires in the outer world.

Hope

Remember Hope.


This is one of the most important lessons I have to impart to those in a situation like mine. Hope to one day be free of disturbance.

I realised one day that I could have hope, and that I had been living without it.

I have now seen a spiritual healer twice; as I have recounted, the first time I saw him I was restored to health, albeit temporarily, which was a minor miracle for me! Then I saw him again two years later, and there was not much of a noticeable change; he did say however that he had faith I would become free of the beings (people, like bullies) who were attempting to dominate me. I was disappointed - for all I've said on this blog about how spiritual healing can save you - I had hoped he would heal me. I still hope there is someone out there who can heal me. But this person said that the key was for me to be assertive with these intruders. This assertiveness means having the strength to effectively assert my rights, or even to declare to the universe exactly what is or is not acceptable with me.

This daily interaction has changed me and made me able to be civil in the face of aggression, and to retain a sense of dignity - not only do I assert my own rights, but I assert the rights of others - and indeed this is the meaning of assertiveness (to assert only one's own rights could be the definition of aggression).

But I have hope.

One sector of society, as we are today, seems to say that to hear any kind of voice is madness and a fiction. But I know this and still have faith in the reality of the voices I hear. One such voice said that I would be in a good 'place' by 2012...

I am interested in all religions; the Buddha says that if someone applies themselves to doing good, even if at first their efforts are unfruitful, in the end the person will be successful, "and then their efforts will bear fruit indeed."

It takes a lot of virtue to counteract a bully in your mind, a bully who is stronger than you are, [stronger in one sense, but not the highest sense]. I read recently that evil can only make you suffer; and this power, as we know, is a negative power - positive powers of love and healing and service are far greater than injury.

And eventually, "Amor omnia vincit" (Latin, love conquers all). There is in the universe a level at which all beings are healed, a point that darkness cannot penetrate. Since Life is change, healing must come to all beings and nothing can persist in malice forever.

We have rights, and there is Order in the universe that likes to see rights upheld, and does so for the happy progress of all created beings.

So have hope; and in the meantime follow your path and look for health - and whoever seeks, finds, as Christian believers are taught.

Analysis of My Inner Experience, For The Interested

Why do we have the notion of possession in our common global culture? Why do we have belief in the persistence of a soul and in an afterlife? Ponder, ponder....


I've read a little about classic schizophrenic thought patterns and experience. I wish to compare myself to these stated symptoms.

I don't exactly experience thought insertion, though I experience something similar, which I'll come to later.
I don't experience thought withdrawal, at all.
If I watch TV or listen to the radio I feel that thoughts, usually of a disparaging/injurious nature, are being compelled out of me by a malicious third party, so I don't partake of these media. To me this is not so much an instance of 'delusion of reference' as an instance of thought broadcasting. I believe that telepathy is possible, so I assume responsibility for this and stay away from TV and radio; I haven't watched TV in three and a half years, which is unusual in this society! (I have found corroboration for my beliefs in telepathy in the Earth Life series by Sanaya Roman, of which the first book is called Living With Joy; a basic premise in these books is that we are everyone of us telepathic beings who are in constant communciation with the universe on the thought level, and for example, thinking negatively about another person is enough to cause them a moment of thinking negatively about themselves! For me this is reality, and these books advocate to those who are able to send thoughts that they are responsible). If you buy the hypothesis, someone with thought-broadcasting ability is so powerfully a telepathic sender that they avoid public situations; for me the thought-broadcasting is compelled, with the ever-present associated feeilng of a malicious third party.
I'll write about how I think it's possible for thoughts to be compelled out of me a little later.

Another technical term - 'passivity', when a person feels they are being subtly controlled by special means. I experience a little of this, and I very strongly dislike it. It occurs in two ways: what I call thought-overriding and thought-changing. In my experience I interact with three kinds of spiritual people: 1) ghosts, who wander the Earth as mistaken fugitives from Heaven, 2) spirits a little further away who are still close to the Earth, who I have called 'demons' (probably a mistake, although gratifying, because it sets up a pattern of warfare), who have some kind of persisting advantage over us sensitive and vulnerable types and 3) celestial spirits ranging from family to extended family, and this third group of people visit me very frequently. [Intriguingly, and as crazy as it sounds - I prefer honesty - a number of my 'extended family' led famous lives on Earth, and equally intriguingly, they dislike being named, for the sake of humility.] The third group are very loving and never harm me - in fact they provide me with friendship and support in every detail of Life. The first group find it easy to over-ride my thoughts - and I imagine others will identify with this - I have the feeling that they forcefully override my thoughts and make them prurient, in the simple sense, or disrespectful, in the simple sense, or make me think in harsh, ie rude language, the language called 'cursing' or 'swearing'. This is what I was referring to as being like thought insertion. The passivity also extends beyond the mental realm into more bodily expressions: I express foreign instinctive behaviour - I often look about me for the opopsite sex with 'lustful eyes'; when this happens, there is the overriding, then I am able to restrain myself perfectly, and with regret. So much for the lower kind of disturbance.

I often have a sense of being kept from full happiness, which has in the past been much stronger together with a sense of accustaion and dismissal of my worth. This seems to come from somewhere outside of me; I thought for years I had been cursed by someone I knew because of some misdeed, but now I believe it is purely from the attention of spirits.

On to the higher level of disturbance. Just as I hear ghosts' voices coming from outside me in my surroundings (occasionally too they are able to literally murmur their communications through my mouth), so do I get a sense that the stronger disturbance comes from a place not in the immediate surroundings, but futher away, as if just beyond the Earth dimension. Secondly I feel as though this soul or these souls are bonded to me, anchored into me, such is the strength of the connection. Thoughts from these more malicious spirits, who as I said could be called demons, are intent on causing maximum injury, and they work in a different way. If I am thinking, and there is a related topic that could, say, infer a call for me having low self-esteem, my attention will be forcibly 'pushed' into this associated idea. This thought-changing operates by pushing my awareness into distressing associations, whether blasphemous ideas, violent ideas, or unsought sexual ideas. These are never seemingly my ideas, but they come into my awareness. I am not having subjective violent or sexual urges, but am being tortured, as it were, with distressing ideas. Just as with the 'ghosts', with the spirits further away, their passivisation of me extends beyond the mental into the physical, and specifically into body language and facial expression that in certain circumsatnces expresses to cause the appearance that I am unfriendly or even untrustworthy, which doesn't help my social phobia!

And this is how it all works. As far as I am aware, the fact is that spirits can hear our thoughts easily. This is just the way it is outside physical existence. (There is some evidence that in Heaven the primary form of communication is telepathic or emotional communciation, at least at higher levels of celestial existence).

Secondly, I believe that spirits are able to change our thoughts easily, just by exerting their will, which must in their cases be quite developed, from habit. Higher spirits from Heaven would not do this because it violates laws of Freedom.

What's the cure? It could be spiritual healing, or if you're lucky you can send a spirit away by focussing on Love and pray for the healing of the disturbed souls that are in turn disturbing you.

That's the long and the short of it.

As a PS, I'd like to add a note that brings home the reality of this condition to readers. Living without privacy is in the physical realm a situation engineered as a form of psychological torture, and this is what happens when you have the sense of openness that goes with thought-broadcasting/ thought insertion etc; and with me this loss of boundaries is something compelled by an apparent third party. Secondly the degree of injury that occurs through apparent disturbance of thinking patterns, which people with schizophrenia sometimes choose to call spiritual oppression can be considered like a form of torture also. It's that bad. You suffer very much and end up with low resilience sometimes and tiredness of spirit.


All this has a prevailing ring of unbelievableness to it, I know. Articulate psychotic exposition or underrated account of an esoteric reality? I hope it will help you, even if just as an interesting viewpoint of someone diagnosed with schizophrenia.

My magical ideation

'Magical ideation' is a term given to describe thinking about the paranormal and magical. People tending towards schizophrenia are supposed to have an array of beliefs that can incline towards irrationality. These includes beliefs about conspiracy theories, UFOS and extra terrestrial Life, superstition, magical powers, paranormal mental ablities and the way the universe works.

Here are my beliefs:
I occasionally catch myself following cultural superstitions (eg being afraid of breaking a mirror, wishing to avoid bad luck), but by and large I am immune to these beliefs.

I don't have many beliefs about extra-terrestrial Life (or alter-terrestrial Life, as I call it, since these are beings from other Earths - a more inclusive term!), but do believe that we are being supervised as a species by beings from other worlds.

I'm not sure about conspiracy theories, but generally have a trust in our governments that they aren't being run by secret organisations!!
I don't follow David Icke, but took value from his book "The Truth Vibrations".

I'm interested in white magic, and believe that it is definitely possible for a person to exert power over the Universe, though the ability to affect others' destiny is necessarily inhibited by the Law of Free Will. To me, white magic is benign, as is suggested by the name.

I'm an absolute believer in God, which seems to be a belief hedged into the paranormal and discredited as irrational these days. I am an optimist who believes God is purely and excellently good; and I believe that there is good and immense potential in everyone of us.
I am also an absolute believer in an afterlife, and angelic Life-companions who go with us through thick and thin to guide and comfort us on another level.

I believe it is possible to know the future - as it could come to pass. Here I draw on something I read in the Conversations With God trilogy, by Neale Donald Walsch and inspired by God, that says that glimpses of the future reveal possibilities and not certainties. I have had portentous dreams, and I sometimes get hints of the Future from spirit allies. I recently had a dream where I was witnessing a (good) event taking place in my flat, apparently in the future... It seemed realistic. It was as if I was standing there as my astral self watching things happen.
An important belief I have is that we can astral travel in dreams. This I feel quite fervently. I read that this is possible in Sylvia Browne's book Phenomenon, by way of corroboration. I have had dreams where I am with my father in Heaven (he died some years ago); in Heaven our abilities in all areas seem to be multiplied - I know this from a picture I drew and showed my father when I was in Heaven.
I do however believe that some connections (relationships / events) in Life are strongly predestined.

My main beliefs that could be criticised as paranormal or irrational are my beliefs in psychicness, which simply means the abilty to communicate with spiritual beings, 'spiritual' referring to a different quality of existence that constitutes the fabric of the benigs and places that we come to experience after death. I am a Christian, but I am a spiritualist in that I believe the ability to hear, see and otherwise sense spiritual reality is innocent through and through. I ask, if others can have these beliefs, I mean spiritualists, why can't I? Why can it not be respected that I have spiritual sensitivity, and secondly that I am in an unusual spiritual circumstance (re disturbance). Again, I'm not saying I've never known illness, quite the oppposite, I admit to psychosis, but there is another element at play too, asevere degree of negative spiritual interplay.


The term 'magical thinking' referes to erroneous thinking about what is possbile as regards the effects of magical practices in changing worldly circumstances. I remember that when I first got ill, I assumed that I could control events. I wished for footballers broadcast on televsion to score goals. I moved my hands to attempt to manipulate the motion of pool balls as my friends played.
I had made assumptions about my natural powers that were incorrect. I believe in miracles though - and I'm sure that they were beyond me, for all my self-belief.


This post may give you some insight into my position. It partly serves to convince that I have fairly regular beliefs, except as regards psychism, in support of my arguments.

To Medicate Or Not To Medicate

It occurred to me that some may find this blog, in a state of poor health and possibly afflicted by spiritual disturbance, and think that it would be enough to only seek out spiritual healing. Maybe it would be enough, but I would say try spiritual healing and talk to a doctor. Medication could do things for you that a healer may struggle to resolve. At the end of the day it's better to be well than to avoid the doctor.

Cultural Norms

Maybe there's something wrong in the details of what I'm writing/thinking, but sometimes I feel like I'm not sane, when I wholeheartedly believe that I am. Is this insight creeping in, you may think? No, actually it's My Culture. (!)

I was trying to write in my last post the suggestion that spirits were causing me depression by weighing me down with the force of their dislike for me - I had to stop, because it didn't sound sane. Then I thought, in some societies, firstly this would be an acceptable proposition, and secondly, they would be able to deal with it. There are some highly evolved spiritual traditions in the world that are not very well known, such as the oldest traditions of religion on Earth, of shamanic mediation between the Worlds of spiritual and material Reality.

It's hard for me to comment on this feeling of inadequacy that I had, because it's not so much a part of my experience anymore - things are easier for me now, I've healed. However, I still experience negative spiritual interactions, which may as well be taboo, because the frame of reference has largely fallen out of my culture - I can't discuss what I'm going through with my granny, for example, and very easily retain her respect. Ordinary people outside the spiritual healing profession have little everyday awareness of spirit trouble. You could say there is a lamentably low spiritual awareness in the First World, whether in medical science's consistently denying independent individuals' testimonies of problematic spiritual interaction or in the common awareness of what is or is not spiritually safe. But then as regards safety my condition is surely quite rare, it's within the esoteric realm - I even had trouble convincing some spiritual healers of what I have been going through. There must be a benefit to this lesser cultural awareness, though - less superstition, and also less sensitivity and thus less exposure to danger. Still, most people are not going to need psychic protection, either because they aren't sensitive, they don't put themselves at risk through drugs or unwise practices, or because their natural and ordinary benevolence bounces negativity away. I don't think that under normal circumstances a person will end up getting haunted, usually.

There's still the power in the Church. When I was last really ill, I went to a religious service in hospital; at communion I signified that I wished for a blessing instead of receiving the Host, and the priest made the sign of the cross in front of my head with the wafer - as he did so I felt the energy clear around my head and there was a moment of alleviation of psychic pressure.

I don't wish to turn "Science" into a sceptical Enemy, and bad-mouth every doctor, but I do think that the First World, though triumphing in places due to rational argument, also wears the belt of scepticism too tight. I have an experience that I can't talk about fairly, it seems; there's a blanket ban on my credibility in suggesting an unusual spiritual phenomenon may be happening to me.

I suppose my experience affirms to me two things: 1) that there is an afterlife; 2) that psychicness is real. I would also like to affirm to the reader that the circumstances of spiritual disturbance I am in are rare - I feel a duty of comfort and of balancing of perspective, since I am arguing in a way for the derangement of conventional boundaries, which I think may be frightening for those who are new to these beliefs. Also I affirm that Life has other purposes for me than to suffer, and it is my task to find and fulfil the true purpose of Life for myself.

Not very long ago, when praying for Divine Intervention - actually I was despairing/angry, I didn't understand why God, the Almighty Spirit, did not intervene to stop the frustrating and painful abuse of my mind - ... when praying for Divine intervention, I heard a voice say "You are to seek shamanic help". The voice was a 'higher' voice, trustworthy and female (and it sounded slightly impatient!) I trust that there is someone who can help me balance my relationship to the spiritual and restore my mental health.

I'm grateful for the medical treatment I've received (despite the laissez-faire "Here's some medicine, go away and good luck" kind of approach). Anti-psychotic medication I believe helped my brain heal so that I left behind all manner of delusions. The sense of interaction with an unfriendly mind remained, however, for all the years of treatment, and remains undiminished in its hostility. Since I was stable between the period when I was using cannabis intensively and the time when I was correctly diagnosed, I believe, given that I am used to the negative 'symptoms' I have, that Life without medicine is viable, for the sake of feeling more alive, and I will hopefully try this next year. It was my intention to write a blog charting this process of 'demedication', but I also wished to write about my world-view, and couldn't wait! I would suggest to anyone reading this that you should certainly have your doctor's approval before coming off medication. (My doctor grudgingly approves of my wish to be drug-free!)



Time. Time is a wonderful thing. I read that of all people with schizophrenia, one third have their illness resolved immediately after medication, one third are much improved after ten years, and one third never get better; I must be in that middle third. Time is a wonderful thing. I look forward to getting better. I am really starting to enjoy Life - and this will surely lead me back to full functionality.

As a closing note, I'd like to say, please don't be too afraid of darkness. Everyone has their own guardian angels and spirit guides who protect them. I blew my natural defenses using cannabis, which is unusual. If you're still worried learn about closing down the chakras for added safety(see earlier post and link). The best way to be safe, as many sources say, is to focus on Love; conversely fear (and unlovingness) endanger you. So relax!

Diagnosis: discerning

The idea of this blog is to argue for a spiritual perspective to be included in 'Western mainstream medical psychiatry' (the hospital doctors of "First World countries", eg the USA and UK) along with the material perspective. But this won't help everybody - I believe there will always be a need for medication as well as for spiritual healing. Some people have real paranormal experiences called psychosis, and some have actual psychotic experiences - and there are also a portion who have a combination of the two varieties of experience. I admit to much psychotic experience. I only recently had a breakdown that brought on full hallucinations and delusions, reminding me that I am susceptible to psychosis (I had stopped taking my medicine suddenly). I have had two breakdowns - or rather, technically, one breakdown and one relapse. The original breakdown left me with delusions which lasted some years (not including beliefs in the phenomena that I here claim are real); after the relapse, I quickly recovered my regular state of health with the reapplication of medicinal treatment.


(Paranormal beliefs: wouldn't it help if there was someone to say, "OK, you may be susceptible to some incorrect beliefs - that's OK, it's a complicated world and we're not all Einsteins - let me help you." Wouldn't it be great if there was someone who could look at a person's thinking and help them discern between truth and impossiblity in difficult areas? I know that's Cognitive Behavioural Therapy territory, but I myself haven't had anything like this).

How do you discern between someone having a potentially 'paranormal' spiritual experience and someone who is in need of close medical attention? Perhaps the paranormalists are able to function well, they are articulate and are not responsive to medication. I believe that a person' s testimony should be considered. If they say they are being affected by something paranormal, at least consider it, test the possibilities.

Fortunately nowadays doors are being opened, and spirit release therapy is being undertaken by some pscyhiatrists who put their patients under hypnosis. (It is a norm in the section of society that claims to interact with the spiritual for there to be beliefs like this: that, given the existence of the soul and an 'Afterlife' existence, some people after death do not move on to their proper place, through fear or addiction or grief for example and these individuals can become 'bonded'/attached to others who are still incarnate, adversely affecting their minds, emotions and behaviours). Spirit release seeks to help both incarnate and 'discarnate' people. Here, then, is exorcism, or Old World thinking entering into New, scientific World thinking. You can get rid of superstition, but you can't get rid of the supernatural! So maybe all that tradition of believing schizophrenia to be 'demonic' possession was partly absolutely correct.
If you are a training doctor, why not make contact with someone in the spiritual healing profession and interview them? This could give you valuable insights.

I wonder what doctors who have fairly regular religious beliefs think when they encounter someone who fervently reports a fairly regular instance of spiritual 'disturbance'? Since a belief in God and Heaven and the soul easily allow for the logic of the existence of souls who do not wish to ascend (to meet what they believe is a God of wrathful judgement) and so remain close to the Earth where they affect sensitive individuals. What do doctors of spiritualist faith think when they encounter people who claim to be bothered or possessed by spirits?

But how do I know that what I experience is a real interchange with other real beings external to me, and not a clever and perfectly convincing hallucination, a chemical malfunction of the brain's imaginative faculty?

I believe in God, I have encountered God.
I believe in departed saints, I have encountered departed saints.
I believe there are people in another dimension of Being commonly known as Heaven, I encounter these beings daily.
I believe it is possible for people who are commonly known as ghosts to avoid God and Heaven, I encounter these beings daily.

The experiences are not just negative, they are benign as well - I frequently encounter my departed family and friends, they are with me on and off every day throughout the day, I suppose to help me and lift my energyduring this difficult phase of my Life. (I am glad of my firm belief in the afterlife, tanks to my experience; I have great friends who can be with me in any place and at any time!). The night before my father died, three and a half years ago, I was sitting writing down my thoughts of him and I spiritually heard his voice, he said "I will be by your side every day." Later that summer I was tending the barbecue and I felt a subtle movement above my head, full of power, spelling out the words "Hello, young man"; it was my father; I sensed hm behind me (I'm good at sensing him!); he was full of great strength and gravity - his celestial nature (the way we are supposed to be). There was an incident at a spiritualist church of confirmation too that he knew my thoughts, and he comically responded, passing a message through a friend there! [(Also, at the church one of their clairvoyants assured me that I was healing myself, as I had the White Light of God's Being around me)].
One time a famous departed Indian saint who I think of sometimes visited me and said he would 'ward off evil'... Because what disturbs me is evil sometimes, when it is not simply malicious.

What is it that makes me struggle to believe my own beliefs?!! Being told I am insane, I suppose. It's not a nice feeling and position.

Right now I'm thinking of regular ol' Christianity - in which there is abundant belief in the occasional requirement for exorcism - but I'm [conveniently??!] not brave enough to get the local priest to go to the local bishop and get my entire family reviewed etc etc before I can get a powerful exorcism done. I don't think I truly require an exorcism anyway, as I'm not possessed; I identify my concern as 'demonic infestation' (which I suppose to be much more common than possession). And don't forget (see earlier post) 'demon' does not necessarily mean pointed tail and horns, or horror film nasty, but merely a person between Earth and Heaven with major emotional issues bent on malice and eventually being what we call evil.


So I have frequent spiritual interactions: many are benign; some of them impinge on my privacy; and others are out and out undesirable. And all convincing. The ghosts around me (who I can communciate with, but who so far refuse to leave) repeat to me (sometimes) "We're real"; and when there are aggressive disturbances to my thinking by what I take to be more distant spirits, I feel a malicious personality on the other end.


I haven't found the right spiritual healer yet. I've had varying degrees of success with them - and some 'miraculous' (ordinary spiritual) changes have occurred. But at the end of the day, I'm the king of my castle, and if I have mislaid my personal power, it's up to me to find it again.

The Catholic church conducts house blessings where they will go to a house and spiritually bless it. A Catholic group called the St. Padre Pio Centre For Deliverance Counselling offer a format for house blessing that anyone can do, here: http://www.saintpiocenter.org/materials/houseblessing.pdf. This seems to be a good ritual, with good prayers and the feature of blessing rooms with holy salt, holy water and holy medals, which may bring you a sense of comfort and wholeness/safety. Although not completely official (not officially approved of - nor condemned) and quite long, this should still be a useful resource for those who wish for some self-defense in the Christian tradition. You will need some medals of Saint Benedict, who is the Catholic patron saint of spiritual safety. Some of the wording of the ritual could be considered fear-based, going into protection against a long list of different expressions of malevolence -such as hexes, but I think this still has relevance as a defense against all kinds of ill will, and it may be relevant to you if you are experiencing disturbance. For years I wondered if I had been cursed, I thought I had angered someone terribily; I went through my memories of my past deeds wishing to 'repent' of my mistaken behaviours, because I felt what was like a powerful cloud of disparagement hanging over me causing me an unnatural depression. I believe in the power of thought, given enough energy, to cause another depression - this is not an uncommon idea in the literature I have read. I'm not sure where this depressing feeling came from for me, but it could have been from the same source that seeks to injure me.

I have recently put in a request for distance healing at a website offering this type of healing free, to help those spirits sheltering near me to move on. Although I have many celestial friends neither they, nor God or the angels, intervene to move the Earthbound discarnate people from my environment. This must partly be due to free will, which I understand to be an immutable law.
Many people offer spirit release professionally, which involves 'counselling' the spirit and directing them on how to leave, and I have by no means exhausted the possibilities of this.

The people at the Saint Padre Pio Center state that one must not talk to spirits. I don't see the harm in it; however, once I said goodnight to them, and I heard a higher voice groan "That's just cost us two years..." implying they are trying to change the situation, and my loving intentions only made things worse by causing the spirits further attachment to the Earth plane. My haunting comes under the 'non-violent' category. The Saint Padre Pio Center have a wonderful prayer for these fugitive souls: http://www.saintpiocenter.org/SelfHelp/NonViolentHauntings.asp; it goes:

"Lord Jesus, master of all things created and Creator of all things, I ask for your mercy on the poor soul in this place who still suffers here on Earth. In Your goodness, Lord, You have allowed this soul to make its presence known so that (he or she) can obtain the necessary graces to enter into Your kingdom. Look now Lord, with your eyes of mercy, upon this creature whom You love and allow them to experience the joy of Your presence for all eternity. Amen."

Thanks to the group at Saint Padre Pio Center For Spiritual Warfare for that.They advise that you don't talk to these poor souls, only pray for them, (which is a wonderful thing in itself). And it's always good to ignore the voices if they trouble you, because then you can invest your energy into the Life you do wish for.

A note on approval - the above defense methodology is Christian; just as the scientific is at odds with the paranormal, the Catholic or literalist Christian can be at odds with the New Age, where I tend to look to for help. I have faith that whatever your religious lifestyle, you can find someone you approve of to help you with spiritual disturbance. [A little PS, in Ayurvedic (traditional Indian) medicine, they have 'spirit release' too, and they call it bhuta vidya].

This has been an enormous post, in which I know I have gone dangerously close to waffling, for some readers' interest. I have tried to provide information that I think will help those in a situation like mine - and it's something to chew on for those who are here as sceptical observers.

Esoteria

In this post I wish to write about the human aura as it affects my story. I have called this post 'esoteria' because this is an esoteric topic. They say these days are a time of revealing, as esoteric knowledge is available to anyone. This is supposed to mark a new phase of human evolution. There is a downside to all the new awareness and personal deveopment that comes with the passing of the esoteric into the common heritage, and it is this: people experimenting in dangerous ways. Reading about spiritual safety, it is often said that people should not ordinarily use the 'oui-ja board', because it invites the attention of ghosts, leading to hauntings, possession or spiritual harrassment. Another thing that you may be warned about when reading about spiritual safety is drug use.

In any spiritual practice, it is important to close down the 'chakras' afterwards. The 'chakras' or energy centres are part of our subtle energetic biology and are responsible for downstepping the Universal energy to sustain us in physical form; (the entire sysyem includes the meridians, small channels of subtle energy that cover the physical form, which are used in acupuncture). Spiritual activity opens up the chakras; just as we may wish to open the chakras to pursue our spiritual course, it is also important to close them down afterwards. Here is an example of a method of closing the chakras taken from elsewhere on the Interweb: http://www.mindworks.uk.com/website/chakra.htm .

Before I go on, I'd like to introduce another esoteric idea: that we are all creative beings who can attract different circumstances to us through our thoughts feelings and behaviours. This esoteric belief is emerging with great force into the public consciousness through literary information such as the famous book "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne. If I've made you nervous writing about spiritual safety and closing down the chakras, follow this next link and it will balance your emotions http://www.askahealer.com/spiritual-protection.htm . I read this page last night and it was a real comfort. Fear itself is 'attractive', so it's good to have a balanced awareness! I've come to realise that you can bring change by focussing on growing what you love in Life just as easily and more easily than by fighting with what you don't like.

So from reading the page linked above on chakras you will know that closing down prevents us from absorbing unwanted energies, such as other's stress.

I didn't know about any of this either, when my breakdown began. Do a little reading and you will find that drug use opens up the aura. Secondly, cannabis use is known to turn off your natural spiritual defenses by it's effect on the aura. The human aura, when healthy, encloses you in a bubble that admits health-giving universal energies and has a modicum of defense against unloving energies. Drug use can leave you vulnerable. When I got ill, with all the distrust I felt towards my girlfriend, and all the dislike I caused myself from her from conflict with her, and all the profound fear I felt in full breakdown when having horrific hallucinations, I believe all of this, in combination with an aura that has been damaged by cannabis use, has polarised me to attract negative daily experiences and be in a state of spiritual vulnerability.

But I don't wish to create a bleak picture and leave you all staring frightened at you computer monitors. The human spirit is mighty indeed; it is divine. I'm sure that you, like me, can cope with anything, even adverse spiritual circumstances, if it comes down to it.
Closing down the chakras will help keep you safe, if you are interested in spirituality. I also think that it is important to keep one foot firmly in the 'everyday', to stay grounded and functional, whatever lifestyle you choose. It took me a sizeable degree of cannabis over-use to get where I am, having only partial awareness of what the drug does (ie not knowing that it's holy as well as fun), and I believe my circumstances of vulnerability are... rare. Things are getting better all the time, and I expect to be back to normal one day, whether through my own effort or with the help of a spiritual healer of some kind. (Two years ago I saw a shamanic healer who was able to heal my completely, but only for a few hours).

So that was a whirlwind tour of a section of the esoteric beliefs that are currently emerging into common awareness. I have educated myself in these matters over the course of my journey into full health, which has been, by-the-by spiritually enlightening in that respect. There are books you can buy on 'psychic protection' ranging from cuddly-nice to beyond-scary-don't-touch. If you're on my level, I really recommend a book called Psychic Protection: Creating Positive Energies For People And Places, by William Bloom, published by Piatkus. Buy it here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Psychic-Protection-Creating-Positive-Energies/dp/0749916036/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1254657686&sr=1-4 .

If you think you're experiencing circumstances of spiritual vulnerability, remember to have hope! This is great. Educate yourself, there are many methods of self-defense you can try, and consider finding a spiritual healer to help you, for example a shamanic or Reiki healer. Have faith too, in a benign universe that is actually manifested from pure love and strive to se through the mysterious illusion of fear and suffering. Life has other purposes than for us to be suffering intensely!

With love and best wishes, Mr. S

Symptoms: Paranoia

I mentioned before that I had delusions of grandeur of a messianic variety extending into identifying myself as a prophet or saint. I'd like to write more about this now.


At the time of becoming ill I was using cannabis very intensively. I believe cannabis use brings on spiritual experience, though I had no understanding of this previously. I did not expect to have any mystical experiences, so when they came I was unprepared. The new experiences could not be integrated normally - I was left, being in a delusional state, believing that I was extra-special.

Before this episode in my Life, I was religious, but not spiritual, that is to say, I prayed and went to church, but I did not have a living, daily relationship with the great and greater being we call God.
The strength of holiness of my new experiences was such that I was left disorientated.
One day I was - and please excuse this - the Second Coming; another I was Moses, or a prophesied and universally loved saviour figure. I can still remember plunging an imaginary staff into the floor of my university bedroom to bring forth healing into the world, just as Moses broke a boulder with his staff to produce water for the Israelites. There is value in such experiences, still, I hold them special - they are valuable memories. If only I was an actor! I would have a wealth of feelings of grandeur to draw on.


Well, that was how I became paranoid, in my opinion.
I would like to add a note about sainthood. It is easy for someone spiritual in a delusionary state to believe themselves a saint. I did. (I'm glad to say that I no longer identify myself with any historical / biblical figure, nor think myself a saint).
I would now like to address the issue I see at the heart of delusions of grandeur: human worth. In short, I believe that it is impossible for someone to have delusions of grandeur! Our grandeur, as human beings and as Lifeforms is very great and very real.
OK, so this is an exaggeration, it is still possible to be delusional. What helps in those circumstances is this: not only do we have the word 'saint', we also have the word 'saintly'! There are degrees of saintliness. This helped me: that even though I may revere my wisdom, fortitude and spiritual wealth, surely I am not a miracle worker of full awareness, one of those people who we call saints - but can I not be 'saintly', still? This provides some satisfaction and consolation - and at the end of the day, this is an easier term to live with, than to try and live up to being a saint!

But where does the word 'saint' come from? The French for 'holy'! And is not all Life grand and holy and special! Admire its beauty, its ingenuity, its warmth even. From a religious perspective, we are all Created of One HOLY Creator, so we must have holiness and grandeur in relation to that Great One. In this respect, we are all saints! Yet still, the normal usage of the word 'saint' remains, and we are better off not confusing this usage.

How much better it would be for those of us experiencing breakdown if there were others there at the time who were able to say, "Yes! You are great!", to reassure a person of the grandeur they feel. Perhaps the central individual in question has had a spiritual awakening and has gained an intuitive feeling of their own true worth - wouldn't it be great to clarify this for them, and in the context of equality?
I have come to think that the worker ant can be equal with the queen ant, the foot soldier with the general, the subject with the monarch, and even the Christ with the follower. Always there are greater and lesser ones, but on one level there is equality still. You can identify yourself as great and not have to appropriate others' worth; you can identify yourself as great and remain humble.

I wish everyone who has difficulty assessing their worth the best of luck sifting truth from what is false. I hope this page has helped you.

Definitions... Truth and Proof

I said I would explain my stance on the paranormal in my "My Story" post, but I didn't do it. If you look carefully, I skirted round the diagnosis and my experience of my condition, managing to hedge together the suggestion that I am experiencing 'spiritual disturbance' as well as suggesting that I acknowledge experiencing plain schizophrenic symptoms.

This weblog is a little controversial. It's not per se about coping with schizophrenia, or discussing symptoms according to the conventional medical model. This is the kind of blog, if you are a patient diagnosed with schizophrenia, that your therapist might ask you to ignore. Well what is the therapist ignoring? The spiritual realm, and all beliefs about communication with it, whether desired or undesirable communication.

And here's the medical definition of my experience that I choose: that, since a spiritual awakening, I have been open to both desirable and undesirable spiritual phenomena. Cannabis, used by Indian sadhus to open them up to Divine union, opened up my subtle spiritual senses (the psychic senses, if you will, the sixth sense) as well as deranging many of my mental faculties (causing me hallucinations and delusions).

"There are only five senses" says the doc. And no deity probably either. Not only is the rational world of Western medical science sceptical (or over-sceptical?), its position on psychicness is without proof - there is no scientific knowledge of the parts of the brain that are able to receive and transmit information in and of itself (not through the portals of doc's acknowledged five senses). It is my belief that the more refined awareness of future scientific instrumentation will certainly be able to detect the parts of the brain responsible for clairaudience, clairvoyance, telepathy and so on.


One of the reasons that what I call subtle spiritual sensitivity is a question of controversy is simply that in some people these abilities are awake (and to varying degrees) and in others they are not awake at all. Their brains have these faculties within them, but they are more or less dormant. These faculties tend to be awakened through formal spiritual practices and come into themselves on the spiritual path as a means of accessing the essence of reality and knowing 'God'.

So how can I prove that I am having 'paranormal' experiences? Usually I do not question the interpretation I hold of my day-to-day experience. Quite rarely, I wonder, is the doctor right? And begin to imagine that all manner of spirits, ghost and demons are not real. But then, what happens when we die? If there is a Heaven, we become spirits to know it. And then, also, what of God? A spiritual belief here: that the Deity hides Itself in this our dense physical realm so that It may be found. Do we disbelieve in what is hidden? Are there any willingly agnostic psychiatrists at least? This is not an area lending easily to proofs, being itself an extra-sensory realm, where our scientific instruments are at present only those people sensitive to the extra-sensory...

Sometimes a random word may come into my head, spoken, that I usually never think of, and this is a kind of half-proof of telepathy. Or, more convincingly, yet rare, a 'heard' thought. In a difficult passage of Life, my brother was experiencing mental stress. I 'heard' him think "Who am I?" as he searched for meaning. I asked him later that evening if he had thought this. his answer: yes, he had thought that earlier that evening. For me, it is unusual to have a proof like this. Recently I have spiritually heard predictions of events later in my Life, which I have no reason to distrust, and which came from spirits. Although the Future is normally not certain in all its details, in my belief, I trust that these predicitons will very likely come true.

Usually my paranormal experience extends to hearing spirits from Heaven who gather around me in support of me on my Life Journey - helpful people from Beyond. Also gathered around me, in ways I have not yet been able to shift, and presumably attracted by my sensitivity are beings I take to be unascended people who have died - ghosts. And - and this is the main problem, greater than a loss of privacy from ghostly surveillance and all that means - I also come into daily contact with beings who are able to change my thoughts and thus cause me injury out of malice and for their own reasons. Simply put, these latter beings are people who have died, and although not remaining on Earth like ghosts, they have not ascended fully to Heaven; they feel discontent and direct this at people living on Earth - and they can be called demons.

In my long search for meaning, uncorroborated by those in authority seeking to help me, I found this helpful page on the Internet: http://www.near-death.com/experiences/research14.html . I don't exactly buy all of the information on this page, but I was reassured / healed by what Arthur Yensen says under the title "Negativity must be removed to enter Heaven", and what David Oakford says underneath the title "NDE examples of the Earthbound realm." I'm asking you to believe in the testimony of those who have died and gone to Heaven and come back with accounts of it, through not dying well enough! I think those people and I, and those like me, are related; we all argue for the reality of the spiritual. I have read that spiritual disturbances on Earth occur on one level to remind us that yes, there is a spiritual aspect to Reality, and this kind of thing occurs to some people to spread awareness of the spiritual.
For me, all manner of positivity helps defend me, but I have as yet been unable to get rid of the attention of the beings bothering me. The transaction between us is like a game of to-ing and fro-ing in which I am injured and then I strengthen myself with affirmations or prayers. On the religious front, I have often wondered why God does not stop what happens, since it is more within Divine jursidiction. "Well, because it's not real, it's an illness!" you might say. Or because it's my own manifestation and I must learn to overcome it myself. God permits far worse things than spiritual oppression.


So, from schizophrenia to spiritual oppression in one easy move! There's the long and the short of my beliefs. I'm not raving about 'demons', I'm giving a rational account of beings that may be called demons because of their malicious behaviour, who are in actual fact little more than deceased people in part-ascension to Heaven who have profound emotional issues to be healed.

If anyone out there is experiencing something similar, think about this for comfort: Life is change, and change must surely come to the situation you wish were different. For me, I have recently come to realise that I 'hold many strong cards' in this game. I am in a dimension I can control, and by my choices bring about great happiness for myself. Those spirits in a kind of limbo merely have their minds as assets, which they mistakenly use against other beings; they cannot seek fruition any other way, except to ascend to the Light.


Two years ago I saw a healer who follows the ancient shamanic tradition. I began to explain my situation, and I was pleased, and remain pleased, that he believed me. He believed my account of spiritual disturbance, as opposed to being purely and totally a schizophrenic condition. I saw him again recently for a healing session, and when I enquired afterwards as to what he had found, he said that there were signs of interference to my solar plexus and crown chakras. (The chakras are subtle energy centres that extend from the body for the purpose of integrating universal energies to sustain us in physical form; the chakras, as part of the aura, are visible to those with high clairvoyant awareness.)



So, dear reader, are you willing to stand before the entirety of human history and discount testimonies of hauntings of every kind, all accounts of extra-sensory spiritual phenomena, the commandments of Jesus Christ to all his followers to cast out devils, are you willing to disbelieve in the existence of the soul, and every human tradition that uses protective methods to ward off evil and curses?

I believe that people can have these paranormal psychic experiences, of clairaudience and clairvoyance and so on, and I believe in Spiritual Life in all its facets. Isn't it possible that a person can be both psychic and psychotic?

My Story Part II: Poem

Here's a poem I wrote about my first breakdown. It's from a collection that I am about to have privately printed for family and friends.





Psychosis Episode 1


The Earth shook

I heard the sky speak

I faced a shadow army

Many voices chanted holy Name

A wraith appeared and saved me from murderers

I walked tall like an angel

I was an angel

I saw the sky turn Paradise purple

I was an Adam

I heard the hearts of mountains breaking at the End





There's something special about these experiences. Grand auditory hallucinations - hearing booming voices in the sky, feeling like the First Human, sensing mountains to be alive and their hearts breaking as the very End of the World sternly approaches. There's something special about such things that are valuable - unlike other unenviable schizophrenia-induced circumstances which are dark, almost too dark too mention in detail. I made the above list of experiences exulting in the grandeur of them, but I'd rather not write about their companions - getting up close and personal with the powerful essence of evil, or reliving numerous moments in which I thought my family to be in grave peril or dying.

My Story

Intensive cannabis use was my downfall - I mean it brought on psychosis in me; there is some debate in the public realm over whether this is possible, but for me it was unquestionably the case. I began to imagine that my then-girlfriend was benig unfaithful, to a horrible extent, which was heart-breaking and led to much conflict and turbulence between us. Breaking up with this innocent individual on the grounds of her causing me excessive stress, I went to university, where most of the people I socialised with in the halls of residence made up a group who smoked cannabis regularly; I took to smoking cannabis intenseively alone, as well as with the others. By this time I was using cannabis as a means to get closer to God, as I had had a spiritual awakening and a number of unusual experiences apparently of a mystical nature. It is very important to note as a constituent in my story that I entered a new stage of personal development through a spiritual awakening, ('spiritual awakening' simply means a combination of new and vital fervour in seeking God and probably also key personal experiences of a mystical nature). By and large the cannabis smoking brought me not the union with God that I desired, but truly hellish hallucinations; these hallucinations were of a nightmarish reality, experienced as real, wherein friends and family were subjected to all manner of the worst assaults, mutilation, and grisly and treacherous deaths. I myself was also the focus of horror in the guise of supposed persecution by mind-reading and merciless terrorists.

I stopped smoking cannabis when I moved away from my associates in the second year of university. A counsellor had identified that I had problems of a mental nature, which led to a diagnosis of depression. Although I was no longer experiencing such grand hallucinations, as mentioned above, my mental perception was compromised to the extent that it felt as if a protective shell had been damaged and removed and anyone in my presence could be aware, if spiritually sensitive, of my inner thoughts; secondly, since my breakdown I had many delusions of grandeur of a messianic variety, extending to prophethood and sainthood; thirdly, I experienced what seemed to be spiritual intrusion into my mind of acute frequency, with sensing an intention of injuring me by causing 'psychological' pain .
Briefly, my situation today is that the sense of openness remains, the symptoms of delusional grandeur have eroded over time, and the sense of intrusion has been an integral and painful part of my experience since my breakdown ten years ago.
P.S.: My speech capability was largely knocked out by the breakdown, though this has recovered; I still quite often feel awkward speaking though I am articulate in my writing. I also developed social phobia along with the first breakdown, which means I feel uncomfortable around others, except for my very closest family, and this remains unchanged.


One more thing: last year, I had a breakdown from stress; a regular breakdown, things got too much for me on the career front, I went to bed for two weeks, was kind of feverish, not eating and not taking my medicine... After two weeks I felt fine, in fact I felt very good, so I decided I didn't need my small daily dose of medication. Because I had stopped taking the medicine suddenly (instead of tapering off), I jacknifed into a full-blown episode of hallucination, similar to the one I had experienced many years ago, and I mostly lacked insight that I was not well. Once again the frightening hallucinations and beliefs occurred - but this time I was detached, and the misperceptions were easier to handle. I was taken to hospital, given a new kind of medicine and now I am back to the previous status quo - having an experience of openness and frequent 'intrusion'. For me, medicine does not block out such symptoms.

This brings me full circle. The first eighteen years of my life were totally free of psychosis. I have had an unusual coming of age charctersied by an alternative perspective on Life and much solitude, and now I am well enough to consider coming off the medicine I take. The psychiatrist who supervises me grudgingly agrees to me attempting Life unmedicated, for which I am grateful. I believe that since my condition is stable, I won't experience any adverse effects, and I am habituated to handling my difficult symptoms. I intended to write a blog charting my decrease in medication and any changes that occur afterwards, but I couldn't wait!, since I also intended to write putting forward my argument for the inclusion of a spiritual perspective alongside the rational perspective that dominates current Western mainstream psychiatric thinking. I hope to write about coming off medicine too, next year (2010).

'Paranormal' Schizophrenia

I think 'paranormal schizophrenia' is a fairly novel coinage. The term is meant with tongue in cheek, but it is useful in signifying that I have both paranormal and schizophrenic experience. Confused? I'm guessing it's confusing that I'm admitting to any actual schizophrenic experience...

My story will follow in the next post.


This will be the last post at "Diagnosis: Schizophrenia!" until tomorrow. (It's 3am -ish here in the UK!)

Like-minded Souls

It's my belief that many people have spiritual experiences within a condition diagnosed as schizophrenia and they feel a little at sea from going unvalidated by their supervising health professionals. Them I call like-minded souls! [See post title].


The consultant psychiatrist who helps me insists that there are only five senses.


In point 2 of the About Me section, I assert my right to a belief in Spirit; by Spirit I mean "the Deity" and all spiritual reality (for example Heaven, the Afterlife). I believe that it is by the subtle spiritual senses that we know Spirit; for example, how do we hear the voice of God and all the celestial 'angels' of every manner, except by clairaudience?

But all this makes no difference to those without faith in the existence of Deity. Still, "those who have ears to hear, let them hear."

Diagnosis Talk

This blog will be a forum for the discussion of the diagnosis of schizophrenia.

It is my aim to speak to those who are in the healthcare profession, as well as those who have been diagnosed with schizophrenia - and anyone else interested in this discussion!

If you've read point 2 of the 'About Me' section, then you may already have guessed my stance. I'd like to make some arguments in favour of including a spiritual element within the diagnosis of schizophrenia.







PS I have expanded the "Introducing..." Diagnosis: Schizophrenia! section to give a better introduction to this blog.

First Post

I'm sitting at my computer; the iTunes soundtrack is Shakira. Rubbing my head, a little hair moults - which makes me think of when I took flax oil 2 years ago to try and cure my depression, and it started me balding... [Shakira sings, "Have you felt the melancholy, darling?"]

But enough of that.

Fast forward a few tracks. (Thank you for the energy of 'Timor' and 'La Tortura', Shakira!)



My main point here, in this first post, is to say that I'm new to the blogosphere. Totally new! Feels strange. Have just read about it being better not to write too much here... So the aim is to entertain curiosity without irritating! I'll try.

Introducing...

Diagnosis: Schizophrenia!

A blog for scientists, parapsychologists, and people diagnosed with schizophrenia who believe in the paranormal

This blog will feature the discussion of various perspectives of schizophrenia, as well as snaphsots from the Life of its writer.

As someone who has spent 10 years down the Schizophrenia Mines, and who begins more and more to emerge from those burdensome confines, the writer hopes that the blog-entries here will prove of value to the world-wide community. Welcome.

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[If you have come to this blog looking for help with difficult parapsychic phenomena (trouble with spirits, painfully open awareness, and so on), you may wish to go directly to the post Solutions To Spiritual Attack: A Summary from 23 November 2010. This post represents my best efforts at present to put forward solutions to spiritual attack.]
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I am interested in the science of my condition; I like to read online scientific articles about schizophrenia. However, I am also a reader of parapsychological literature. You will find that my world-view is validated more by 'parapsychology' than 'science'. See what you make of it. I wish this blog to help people - those in a position like mine, and those who study the science of schizophrenia.

In 2001 I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I don't deny that I have experienced psychosis, but on the other hand, I will argue that I also experience spiritual phenomena. I am very aware that mainstream western psychology can only count five senses, and is without a soul (without a soul that sees, hears or speaks).
This blog tells a true story: the posts you will find here give an honest account of my condition and express my real opinions. It as an anonymous blog, because of the way I imagine my beliefs would be received; however, in the everyday world, I am becoming more open to telling people about my diagnosis and history. - That's a good thing. On this blog I can sound as crazy as I like: I don't have to worry about the face you'll pull when I'm writing about my beliefs on 'evil' spirits and telepathy!
You are the privileged reader of what a person diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia really thinks. And as an educated, articulate writer, and a person with schizophrenia becoming quite lucid in their thinking as they recover, I hope you will take value from this blog of autobiography and opinions on a major mental illness.
The blog is quite serious in tone - and intention. It can be 'wordy' (I try not to be!) (It can also be less than lucid, as I try to pin down the vagaries of my opinions when it comes to some aspects of my inner goings-on.) It can be cyclical, repetitive, as I work through my preferred themes and become clearer on what I write - because this practise of blogging does bring me clarity. I might change my mind about what's real, right before your eyes! But, generally this blog has an intellectual approach to my "paranormal schizophrenia", examining information and arguing points with clarity.

I am writing now to fill out this introduction, and I would also say that after a year of blogging, I feel one of its purposes is nearly filled - to help people in my position. In this way, it reads like parapsychological literature. What do I hold is my position? Call it demonic oppression; call it psychic attack. I call it profound 'psychic' vulnerability, spirit attack. I call it having a mind too open to the world of spirit and suffering from the frequent harmful attentions of hostile spirit-people. But this condition is not without solutions, and I write about these, whether they be 'self-help' or the help of those whose full-time occupations it is to work as a medium between spirits and people.
And what about those whose full-time occupation it is to work with psyches? I am not ungrateful to them! Medication has seemingly removed my irrational thinking (such as delusions of grandeur, - thinking myself to be a demi-god, etc); the medication has stabilised me and pacified me, although it has never managed to shut down the inner 'hearing' I have.
I think I am now ready to stop taking the medicine. I would still like to write about this process of coming off medication (anti-psychotic medicine), as I am planning to live drug-free and would like to document that. I am beginning to scale down my dosage of medication, with the consent of my consultant psychiatrist.

I am aware that I sound insane in my beliefs on paranormal spirituality! But that is not far away from what some people think of all spirituality! Secondly, I realise that I may be off to a losing streak arguing for spiritual reality under a banner of a diagnosis of schizophrenia!! Really though, please keep an open mind about whether people can be mentally ill and simultaneously be psychic, with all that entails.


Thank you.


Mr. S.




POST SCRIPT

To my readers,

Please feel free to leave comments throughout my blog to let me know what you think, if you agree with me or are helped by what I write. If you don't wish to, don't worry!
Thank you very much,

Mr. S.