On The Outskirts: Life With Schizophrenia

Two things come to mind for this post:

1. A sense of being different
2. My relationship to my peers

I wish to write about what it's like when you have schizophrenia and you compare yourself to others.

As I have written elsewhere on this blog, as someone bearing the diagnosis of schizophrenia, I am a human with full humanity, who also has an alternate perception of the world. I have illness, but I also have the same desires from life as anyone. I wish for the same things that someone with good health wishes for.

• I wish to be successful in the world
• I wish to have a mate [a partner]
• I wish to have an active social circle

These are ordinary wishes, but for various reasons, I feel that I don't match up to my peers in these areas. I don't have an established career, or own a house; I am not married, I have no children. You can end up feeling gloomy about this, about this comparing. In the end, though, you don't have to compare.


But then, I am different. I was once like anyone else, then I found myself outside of normality, and  my whole mental life and personality and way of relating to the world and to other people has been different since - but it's becoming more normal. From being vastly delusional, I now have only a few discreetly held (but major) unusual beliefs about reality. From being very withdrawn, I can now pass for shy, yet courteous. From being very reluctant to speak, I am now someone who can seem normal in conversation. I still feel different, in terms of my confidence levels, and general state of relaxation. And I can't claim to be as externally successful as others my age. And I carry a diagnosis of mental illness that I feel can set me apart from many people. But I value where I've come from and the strength I've gained, and I believe I have something to contribute for being out of normality, and that those gifts will emerge when I'm ready.

Life on the outskirts, but coming back in; and becoming better able to relate to people.

Sharing In the Real World

:( My family are pitiful-skeptical towards a lot of what I report of my paranormality, I think quietly taking it as "real for me" but not objectively accurate. I know why - they have heard me speaking of delusions in the past, so much that they have been conditioned by it, - once bitten, twice shy.

So much for the :( part.

I would like to have a close friend / partner, but I am not ready yet on an intellectual level. It is not contained. I have not reached a satisfying level of clarity about things. Maybe I'm getting there! This posting here really helps. I feel if I tried to explain things, I'd fail, or confuse, or worse suck a person into a deluded, frightened state. Worse still, try and explain a paranormal spiritual reality to an atheist! ['Atheist' is not a swear word; it's just that they would think me wildly insane... Ha ha! That's an irony. And not a nice feeling.]

There are things then I can't talk about or can't explain, and there are barriers of understanding that would prevent a 'non-believer' from getting close to me.

Just like it would be an admirable stretch for an atheist to truly respect me, the potential friend would have to be big-hearted enough to respect some bearing the diagnosis of having schizophrenia - and to trust them too. there's that old stereotype/ conundrum that everyone who has schizophrenia is supposed to spend their free time sharpening axes for personal use... Sorry, that is an example of a bad joke, in fact, because people commit murders - (that doesn't stop it from being made into films and TV shows for our 'entertainment' though). Rewind: people with schizophrenia have an enormous public image problem, because they are thought to be firstly probably violent and as a close second, of course, potential murderers. And check the facts and you see that we are a less violent minority, that you have in illness as someone with schizophrenia the same propensity to violence as when you were healthy.
The special person therefore would have to have a compassionate, loving stance towards the person with schizophrenia, and understand that this is a person with a profound mental illness that causes them to suffer - just not to be unnecessarily afraid of them.

Let's hope.

Wishing you all good,


Mr S

Self-Image As Someone Mentally Ill and Psychically Aware

I would like to feel normal.

I've been insane, and now I've aligned myself with those who believe in the paranormal. That's two reasons to feel out of the ordinary. There's a lot of prejudice in the world against the insane and the psychic! But let's ignore that and focus on the positive!!
I would very much like to feel ordinary again - not strange, not someone to be afraid of (as an insane person).

I guess it would help to be part of a spiritual community that has strong sixth sense awareness, I mean like a New Age community or a spiritualist church, where my level of awareness is ordinary and accepted. I think that would cheer me up a lot.

So this is good, there are opportunities for people like me to feel normal!