Wrath! New Psychiatrist, Diagnosis and Clozapine

Saw my new psychiatrist today.

Lots of history talk - my life history. Then the diagnosis. I think she was okay until I started to tell her about bad spirits exerting force on my thoughts to direct them towards painful ideas and cause me suffering. She explicitly said that it was the fact that I said there were spiritual forces manipulating my thoughts that had her worried - and earned me the diagnosis of schizophrenia.

It's not nice to be told you are insane - when you believe you are not. It hurts, like losing or being disqualified.

So then, on to medication. I had explained that the emotional pain was so frequent that I feel it in my body (around the diaphragm) - tiredness and pain. Could she do anything about it? Her answer was clozapine, because my condition was partially resistant to treatment. With clozapine, she said, there is a 50/50 chance of recovery - and a 1/100 of permanent damage to white blood cell generation (which is why once weekly blood tests are necessary); starting clozapine you also need to be admitted to hospital to be tested for blood pressure changes as well.

She also told me I should definitely take medicine for the rest of my life. She believed that if I came off anti-psychotic medication, I would be okay for a while, and then my health would deteriorate.

"Some people have one episode of psychosis, and then recover, but should always take medicine to prevent any recurrence. Another group of people have recurring episodes of breakdown [people like me, she said] - and these people should always take medicine. And another group never recover - and they should always be medicated as well."

The doc also did not know what clairaudience was. I had taken in a book I am reading and really value, called "Basic Psychic Development". She knew nothing about what being psychic is! I asked her if she was interested in it. I asked her how she could give a diagnosis when she knew nothing about this system of beliefs. I asked her if she believed in an invisible reality, as so many world religions do.

Nope, she didn't. Her belief system versus mine, she said - and who could tell who is right? Better to keep taking the medicine.


I believe I would be more myself without medicine, less repressed in so many ways. Do I really need them? I survived okay without them before (when undiagnosed,. back in 2000). The only thing that remains is my supposed spiritual perceptions, which I am at least used to, even if I haven't adapted to them yet.
I suppose there is a danger of psychotic breakdown through stress - but that can happen anyway, medicated or not - I know that much from previous experience (my second episode in 2008).


I was brought low by the idea of being on medication for life. I was also shocked by the risk of permanent damage to my system by clozapine. I was thirdly really brought low by following the doctor's idea that I was hallucinating every voice and every force on my thoughts, and that there s no invisible, "extra-sensory" reality - and I left the clinic thinking "Great: I'm TOTALLY crackers" (that means, 'completely insane' in the English idiom!) Not a nice feeling.
Hence the title of the post, "Wrath!" I feel low, and rebounding from that I feel angry that I have been, effectively, misjudged. I am also left wondering if the belief system of the psychiatrist will change over time. How can they ignore rare spiritual possibilities behind mental suffering?





What to do now?




The thought occurred to me, the host of heaven must resent the fact that we pretend we can't hear them when they come close, and that we suspect we are crazy when they speak to us.

When spirits came near after my doctor's appointment, I joked with them that I couldn't hear them / wouldn't listen to them, because they weren't real!




I would actually like to try clozapine - but then there's the old cliche that I wouldn't like to lose my 'good'
 voices. I actually think they wouldn't go, but that the clozapine might close down the parts of the brain that open me to the bad spirits. There it is. Crazy, or not...?


I think I'm going to go for clozapine treatment - probably in August this year. I still believe that I'm pretty much mentally healthy in my perceptions and thinking, but I am also open to the possibility of clozapine taking away the painful patterns my mind is subject to.


Thanks for reading.

Into The Mystic

The voice of someone who is on the other side, who I trust and respect called me a "mystic", some months ago. That was a nice moment, a kind of compliment for me, although he was just expressing what to him was a fact. Imagine that. Imagine that I am a mystic.

Now consider that I am having issues through attracting the attention of spirit people whose mental influence frequently triggers pain in me.

Where is this leading for me? To personal power, to compassion, and the ability not to be attached to pain or aggression from having changed my way of thinking. To acquire on Earth the ways of the soul, to become more and more 'godly'/'Godly' - given the nature of the soul as sharing in the Divine Nature, and thus to experience more of the God Nature in its being qualities, feeling love and joy and peace and other qualities.

A long time ago, on a beach with my grandpa, I was digging a hole, as big as I could. Grandpa helped me dig the hole by filling it in...! Actually what he did was to dig from the outside in, instead of digging deep. He said something like "You have to dig out to dig down". A large hole must be wide as well as deep. I was disheartened by his contribution at first, but now it has taken on another significance. It reminds me of my life as it is now: some time ago I became spiritually aware (I began digging a hole), but problems came with this awareness, and my spirituality was an obstacle to my basic happiness and mental health (the hole became filled in from the outsides); now I am digging, digging, digging, deepening my hole - and as soon as I have cleared out what has fallen in then I will have the happiness of a healthy expanded awareness and great spirituality. Back in the day, my spiritual ambition was as large as my appetite for God, my appetite to feel God's love myself for real, so when all is well, that is what will be present to me - my sense of self-worth, my sense of loveable-ness, and my contentment and peace will be greater than ever and correspond to the Love of God for me, as much as I can take it in.

Meds Part 2: The Search For Pain-Management

I am seeing my consultant psychiatrist shortly, having arranged a meeting to discuss medication. I think doc thinks my condition is moderate, causing me manageable discomfort and disturbance to daily life - and that's not always true for me, sometimes the condition is severe, and I suffer great pain that I struggle to manage constructively. I don't wish to be explicit, but obviously you can guess what kind of thoughts a person has when their pain peaks to intolerable levels.

I will ask the doctor to address this, and I presume (and hope) he will prescribe me with a strong benzodiazepene for the hard periods I get, which come roughly and regularly twice every five weeks or so.

Mantra: . We have to affirm the power of the human spirit, and the power of the human spirit in conjunction with faith in something or someone. Still, medicine is a good thing. I can see that the right medicine could make my life much easier. [Anti-psychotics do not reduce or remove the active/positive symptoms of my illness, I mean hearing voices, feeling influenced, thought disturbance etc., all of which is painful and can be overwhelming, as described].


So I really hope this can be treated. I have been angry, feeling failed by the medical profession over this (having previously asked a few times for something to treat this); but now I understand that the doctor didn't really realise how bad things can be for me.

Here's hoping...

Life With Schizophrenia: Everyday Stress

I just completed a questionnaire at http://www.about.com/ on how well I am coping with schizophrenia.

It made me realise how badly I cope sometimes. And I also now have an understanding of the medical terminology of the schizophrenia diagnosis, because of the questionnaire.

Here's my evaluation:


My active symptoms - eg voices etc, feeling negatively overpowered, thought disturbance - these are unchanged by medication, and intrude into my everyday life most of the time.

The passive symptoms, including my ability to look after myself and eat well and look after my dwelling/ clear up after myself - these are all impacted by the active symptoms. Periodically I go into depressions because of the painfulness of the condition, and at those times, I have trouble looking after myself in an ideal way.

In terms of cognitive symptoms, I am pretty normal, I think. Although my spoken language can often be awkward.


I was surprised to see that obsessive remorsefulness about the past is a symptom of the illness. I certainly have that, often feeling uncomfortable about past misdeeds.


Here is the link to the test:  Schizophrenia assessment


I admit, I was also surprised to see that my chief active symptoms were summed up in these words, when I was asked if I:

• Feel that you have some "special" ability that others don't have
• Fear that others are working/using their powers to hurt or harm you
• Hear sounds or voices when there is nobody around
• Think that others can read your mind or control your thoughts

So there's a consensus where we can meet, in those words. That's a pretty accurate diagnosis, above, of what the bad side of the condition is like - in theory. And I, who have the condition, will advocate for the opinion that the cause of this pain-causing condition is spiritual; the medics will argue that I am insane, although they have no spiritual perspective on Life in their system.



All this is interesting. I was in a good mood before I did this questionnaire, then I realised how much stress I am under! I have no job, but I still have stress. I have no dependents, but I still have stress. I do have lots of free time, but my quality of life means that the value of all the free time is sadly somewhat diminished.

I can describe the passive symptoms of trouble with routine and self-care by saying that every little thing seems a challenge to be avoided. But I have exhaustion too, (I really do), which adds to the difficulty and stress. But on the depressed days, I can be living in a real mess. I said today, things would be a lot easier if I had people to help me as a cook and a housekeeper!

So we can learn that stress is something to notice, because it causes breakdowns. And worse. I know how I feel sometimes. It's ultimately painful. I wish there was some medicine that would work for me, either for pain or for the strange inner drama I have! Let's wait and see...

Thoughts About Thoughts: Self-generated Suffering and Liberating Thinking

I thought about suffering over Christmas, about how our response to pain can make us suffer or not. I mean if we respond well to stress, we know it is there, but do not allow it to make us sad.

"Nothing is good or bad except thinking makes it so", said William Shakespeare in one of his plays. 

What is an in-born trait and what is human conditioning? For example religion and royalty are two things that a person can be born into, but, if we look closely, we find are cultural, not biological!

It was my idea that suffering can be like that. You can get 'attached' to pain. You can despair. All of this is in your thinking, in the thoughts you have in response to pain. For example, the thought "This is not fair!" when things 'go wrong' will cause you to carry around anger and may lead you into a depression.

This is like cognitive behavioural therapy, I think. Being watchful of how we react to things. If I am always angered and frustrated when I hear an intrusive voice, I lose will power and feel sad; if I can be conscious of my response and stay relaxed, I will be flexible and will be able to cope better.


I'm merely commenting from my own situation and from what I have read; I don't wish to speak lightly of your own pain, if you have any. And I hope that this helps you.

Relief From Mental Suffering Through Meditation

I believe that meditation is a key to enduring through mental illness. When we meditate, we are actively detaching from normal mental activity and finding rest.
I believe that meditation provides us with rest when there is no other solution to mental unease and pain.

Too often, I might get carried away with the relentless discomfort of my condition and begin to despair, just through the overwhelming stress. But meditation offers us all a way round pain.

Meditation provides a window where there otherwise would not be one - except that found through sleep, or drug use. Meditation is a healthier choice than taking drugs! And it can be more nourishing than sleep.


As I understand it, to meditate is to cultivate the gains that come from being relaxed and from being tranquil inside.

I admit, for me personally, I have been averse to meditating, because it puts me in confrontation with the thought processes I usually wish to avoid - but this 'confrontation' can be helpful, to keep company with those thoughts, with peaceful intent.

So, I recommend meditation (and meditation practice can be as simple or as complex as you like). It brings me peace. Consider meditation as a valuable source of relief from mental suffering.