Healer Trip

Am having a crisis of confidence in the healer I have chosen to help me, (there will be a session next week).

Yes she is named as a top healer by a piece of publicity.

Yes she has trained in the shamanic tradition.


But is she a true shaman?

• Does she work with good spirit-people who can help heal my energy?
• Will she be powerful and effective enough to cause many positive changes for me?

I had been looking at a list of shamanic practitioners in the UK, and it made me compare her with them, to the effect that she seemed professionally weaker.
She is accredited by testimonials, she seems knowing and sincere, but I'm not sure I trust her methods, from what I read in an account of a session she did. We'll see.
I don't know, maybe she will turn out to be an extremely powerful personality, who can give me healing effects and not just a (quite expensive) healing routine. Trip all booked and paid for...

My magical ideation

'Magical ideation' is a term given to describe thinking about the paranormal and magical. People tending towards schizophrenia are supposed to have an array of beliefs that can incline towards irrationality. These includes beliefs about conspiracy theories, UFOS and extra terrestrial Life, superstition, magical powers, paranormal mental ablities and the way the universe works.

Here are my beliefs:
I occasionally catch myself following cultural superstitions (eg being afraid of breaking a mirror, wishing to avoid bad luck), but by and large I am immune to these beliefs.

I don't have many beliefs about extra-terrestrial Life (or alter-terrestrial Life, as I call it, since these are beings from other Earths - a more inclusive term!), but do believe that we are being supervised as a species by beings from other worlds.

I'm not sure about conspiracy theories, but generally have a trust in our governments that they aren't being run by secret organisations!!
I don't follow David Icke, but took value from his book "The Truth Vibrations".

I'm interested in white magic, and believe that it is definitely possible for a person to exert power over the Universe, though the ability to affect others' destiny is necessarily inhibited by the Law of Free Will. To me, white magic is benign, as is suggested by the name.

I'm an absolute believer in God, which seems to be a belief hedged into the paranormal and discredited as irrational these days. I am an optimist who believes God is purely and excellently good; and I believe that there is good and immense potential in everyone of us.
I am also an absolute believer in an afterlife, and angelic Life-companions who go with us through thick and thin to guide and comfort us on another level.

I believe it is possible to know the future - as it could come to pass. Here I draw on something I read in the Conversations With God trilogy, by Neale Donald Walsch and inspired by God, that says that glimpses of the future reveal possibilities and not certainties. I have had portentous dreams, and I sometimes get hints of the Future from spirit allies. I recently had a dream where I was witnessing a (good) event taking place in my flat, apparently in the future... It seemed realistic. It was as if I was standing there as my astral self watching things happen.
An important belief I have is that we can astral travel in dreams. This I feel quite fervently. I read that this is possible in Sylvia Browne's book Phenomenon, by way of corroboration. I have had dreams where I am with my father in Heaven (he died some years ago); in Heaven our abilities in all areas seem to be multiplied - I know this from a picture I drew and showed my father when I was in Heaven.
I do however believe that some connections (relationships / events) in Life are strongly predestined.

My main beliefs that could be criticised as paranormal or irrational are my beliefs in psychicness, which simply means the abilty to communicate with spiritual beings, 'spiritual' referring to a different quality of existence that constitutes the fabric of the benigs and places that we come to experience after death. I am a Christian, but I am a spiritualist in that I believe the ability to hear, see and otherwise sense spiritual reality is innocent through and through. I ask, if others can have these beliefs, I mean spiritualists, why can't I? Why can it not be respected that I have spiritual sensitivity, and secondly that I am in an unusual spiritual circumstance (re disturbance). Again, I'm not saying I've never known illness, quite the oppposite, I admit to psychosis, but there is another element at play too, asevere degree of negative spiritual interplay.


The term 'magical thinking' referes to erroneous thinking about what is possbile as regards the effects of magical practices in changing worldly circumstances. I remember that when I first got ill, I assumed that I could control events. I wished for footballers broadcast on televsion to score goals. I moved my hands to attempt to manipulate the motion of pool balls as my friends played.
I had made assumptions about my natural powers that were incorrect. I believe in miracles though - and I'm sure that they were beyond me, for all my self-belief.


This post may give you some insight into my position. It partly serves to convince that I have fairly regular beliefs, except as regards psychism, in support of my arguments.

Symptoms: Paranoia

I mentioned before that I had delusions of grandeur of a messianic variety extending into identifying myself as a prophet or saint. I'd like to write more about this now.


At the time of becoming ill I was using cannabis very intensively. I believe cannabis use brings on spiritual experience, though I had no understanding of this previously. I did not expect to have any mystical experiences, so when they came I was unprepared. The new experiences could not be integrated normally - I was left, being in a delusional state, believing that I was extra-special.

Before this episode in my Life, I was religious, but not spiritual, that is to say, I prayed and went to church, but I did not have a living, daily relationship with the great and greater being we call God.
The strength of holiness of my new experiences was such that I was left disorientated.
One day I was - and please excuse this - the Second Coming; another I was Moses, or a prophesied and universally loved saviour figure. I can still remember plunging an imaginary staff into the floor of my university bedroom to bring forth healing into the world, just as Moses broke a boulder with his staff to produce water for the Israelites. There is value in such experiences, still, I hold them special - they are valuable memories. If only I was an actor! I would have a wealth of feelings of grandeur to draw on.


Well, that was how I became paranoid, in my opinion.
I would like to add a note about sainthood. It is easy for someone spiritual in a delusionary state to believe themselves a saint. I did. (I'm glad to say that I no longer identify myself with any historical / biblical figure, nor think myself a saint).
I would now like to address the issue I see at the heart of delusions of grandeur: human worth. In short, I believe that it is impossible for someone to have delusions of grandeur! Our grandeur, as human beings and as Lifeforms is very great and very real.
OK, so this is an exaggeration, it is still possible to be delusional. What helps in those circumstances is this: not only do we have the word 'saint', we also have the word 'saintly'! There are degrees of saintliness. This helped me: that even though I may revere my wisdom, fortitude and spiritual wealth, surely I am not a miracle worker of full awareness, one of those people who we call saints - but can I not be 'saintly', still? This provides some satisfaction and consolation - and at the end of the day, this is an easier term to live with, than to try and live up to being a saint!

But where does the word 'saint' come from? The French for 'holy'! And is not all Life grand and holy and special! Admire its beauty, its ingenuity, its warmth even. From a religious perspective, we are all Created of One HOLY Creator, so we must have holiness and grandeur in relation to that Great One. In this respect, we are all saints! Yet still, the normal usage of the word 'saint' remains, and we are better off not confusing this usage.

How much better it would be for those of us experiencing breakdown if there were others there at the time who were able to say, "Yes! You are great!", to reassure a person of the grandeur they feel. Perhaps the central individual in question has had a spiritual awakening and has gained an intuitive feeling of their own true worth - wouldn't it be great to clarify this for them, and in the context of equality?
I have come to think that the worker ant can be equal with the queen ant, the foot soldier with the general, the subject with the monarch, and even the Christ with the follower. Always there are greater and lesser ones, but on one level there is equality still. You can identify yourself as great and not have to appropriate others' worth; you can identify yourself as great and remain humble.

I wish everyone who has difficulty assessing their worth the best of luck sifting truth from what is false. I hope this page has helped you.

My Story

Intensive cannabis use was my downfall - I mean it brought on psychosis in me; there is some debate in the public realm over whether this is possible, but for me it was unquestionably the case. I began to imagine that my then-girlfriend was benig unfaithful, to a horrible extent, which was heart-breaking and led to much conflict and turbulence between us. Breaking up with this innocent individual on the grounds of her causing me excessive stress, I went to university, where most of the people I socialised with in the halls of residence made up a group who smoked cannabis regularly; I took to smoking cannabis intenseively alone, as well as with the others. By this time I was using cannabis as a means to get closer to God, as I had had a spiritual awakening and a number of unusual experiences apparently of a mystical nature. It is very important to note as a constituent in my story that I entered a new stage of personal development through a spiritual awakening, ('spiritual awakening' simply means a combination of new and vital fervour in seeking God and probably also key personal experiences of a mystical nature). By and large the cannabis smoking brought me not the union with God that I desired, but truly hellish hallucinations; these hallucinations were of a nightmarish reality, experienced as real, wherein friends and family were subjected to all manner of the worst assaults, mutilation, and grisly and treacherous deaths. I myself was also the focus of horror in the guise of supposed persecution by mind-reading and merciless terrorists.

I stopped smoking cannabis when I moved away from my associates in the second year of university. A counsellor had identified that I had problems of a mental nature, which led to a diagnosis of depression. Although I was no longer experiencing such grand hallucinations, as mentioned above, my mental perception was compromised to the extent that it felt as if a protective shell had been damaged and removed and anyone in my presence could be aware, if spiritually sensitive, of my inner thoughts; secondly, since my breakdown I had many delusions of grandeur of a messianic variety, extending to prophethood and sainthood; thirdly, I experienced what seemed to be spiritual intrusion into my mind of acute frequency, with sensing an intention of injuring me by causing 'psychological' pain .
Briefly, my situation today is that the sense of openness remains, the symptoms of delusional grandeur have eroded over time, and the sense of intrusion has been an integral and painful part of my experience since my breakdown ten years ago.
P.S.: My speech capability was largely knocked out by the breakdown, though this has recovered; I still quite often feel awkward speaking though I am articulate in my writing. I also developed social phobia along with the first breakdown, which means I feel uncomfortable around others, except for my very closest family, and this remains unchanged.


One more thing: last year, I had a breakdown from stress; a regular breakdown, things got too much for me on the career front, I went to bed for two weeks, was kind of feverish, not eating and not taking my medicine... After two weeks I felt fine, in fact I felt very good, so I decided I didn't need my small daily dose of medication. Because I had stopped taking the medicine suddenly (instead of tapering off), I jacknifed into a full-blown episode of hallucination, similar to the one I had experienced many years ago, and I mostly lacked insight that I was not well. Once again the frightening hallucinations and beliefs occurred - but this time I was detached, and the misperceptions were easier to handle. I was taken to hospital, given a new kind of medicine and now I am back to the previous status quo - having an experience of openness and frequent 'intrusion'. For me, medicine does not block out such symptoms.

This brings me full circle. The first eighteen years of my life were totally free of psychosis. I have had an unusual coming of age charctersied by an alternative perspective on Life and much solitude, and now I am well enough to consider coming off the medicine I take. The psychiatrist who supervises me grudgingly agrees to me attempting Life unmedicated, for which I am grateful. I believe that since my condition is stable, I won't experience any adverse effects, and I am habituated to handling my difficult symptoms. I intended to write a blog charting my decrease in medication and any changes that occur afterwards, but I couldn't wait!, since I also intended to write putting forward my argument for the inclusion of a spiritual perspective alongside the rational perspective that dominates current Western mainstream psychiatric thinking. I hope to write about coming off medicine too, next year (2010).