Monday 31 January 2011

Life With Schizophrenia: Everyday Stress

I just completed a questionnaire at http://www.about.com/ on how well I am coping with schizophrenia.

It made me realise how badly I cope sometimes. And I also now have an understanding of the medical terminology of the schizophrenia diagnosis, because of the questionnaire.

Here's my evaluation:


My active symptoms - eg voices etc, feeling negatively overpowered, thought disturbance - these are unchanged by medication, and intrude into my everyday life most of the time.

The passive symptoms, including my ability to look after myself and eat well and look after my dwelling/ clear up after myself - these are all impacted by the active symptoms. Periodically I go into depressions because of the painfulness of the condition, and at those times, I have trouble looking after myself in an ideal way.

In terms of cognitive symptoms, I am pretty normal, I think. Although my spoken language can often be awkward.


I was surprised to see that obsessive remorsefulness about the past is a symptom of the illness. I certainly have that, often feeling uncomfortable about past misdeeds.


Here is the link to the test:  Schizophrenia assessment


I admit, I was also surprised to see that my chief active symptoms were summed up in these words, when I was asked if I:

  • Feel that you have some "special" ability that others don't have
  • Fear that others are working/using their powers to hurt or harm you
  • Hear sounds or voices when there is nobody around
  • Think that others can read your mind or control your thoughts

So there's a consensus where we can meet, in those words. That's a pretty accurate diagnosis, above, of what the bad side of the condition is like - in theory. And I, who have the condition, will advocate for the opinion that the cause of this pain-causing condition is spiritual; the medics will argue that I am insane, although they have no spiritual perspective on Life in their system.



All this is interesting. I was in a good mood before I did this questionnaire, then I realised how much stress I am under! I have no job, but I still have stress. I have no dependents, but I still have stress. I do have lots of free time, but my quality of life means that the value of all the free time is sadly somewhat diminished.

I can describe the passive symptoms of trouble with routine and self-care by saying that every little thing seems a challenge to be avoided. But I have exhaustion too, (I really do), which adds to the difficulty and stress. But on the depressed days, I can be living in a real mess. I said today, things would be a lot easier if I had people to help me as a cook and a housekeeper!

So we can learn that stress is something to notice, because it causes breakdowns. And worse. I know how I feel sometimes. It's ultimately painful. I wish there was some medicine that would work for me, either for pain or for the strange inner drama I have! Let's wait and see...

Wednesday 26 January 2011

Aspects of Thought Disturbance

The understanding of what it is to be troubled by hostile spirits is fairly common - there is a certain awareness about what that means. If you say "possessed by a devil", people will understand that someone is being severely troubled by a devil, a hostile spirit. I'd like to write more about what this means here, and notably to write about how the disturbance crosses over from the personal to affect others directly too.

For me spiritual disturbance is a force on my mind that calls attention to ideas that I may be strongly averse to, thus causing me pain; it depends on mental surveillance, on a loss of my mental privacy. Loss of mental privacy is a constant while I have ghosts around me and while I am receiving the attentions of spirits further away in the lower astral.
Secondly it is a force on my mind that corrupts and pollutes by temporarily 'possessing' my thoughts, effectively speaking through my thought-voice in ways that are unwholesome and that happen to be contrary to my natural tendencies (thus causing me pain).
Thirdly, it is a force that works with my mediumistic, psychic awareness, momentarily taking control of it and forcefully directing thoughts not of my choosing out from me towards another. So this condition seems to affect others as well. Typically the projected energies may be designed to make another think badly of me, to cause me shame and social rejection, or they can be attacks on others, on their self-esteem, or, I find, something much more unfortunate. The projections are not bound by time or space, and can occur when I am exposed to 'media' (films, radio, music), to the effect that a kind of fore-telling may be forced out of me, for example if I know that someone involved in the media recording will come to die. How? If a recording is made in 1975, and the person dies in 1983, and I know this, I will be extremely uncomfortable listening to the 1975 recording, struggling to suppress the force that seeks to take control of my psychic faculties to project out heinous revelations. This I would call strong evil. As you can imagine, this third aspect of mental intrusion leaves its mark on my conscience and reputation. I hesitated to write of this third aspect, because of the way it reflects on me, but I write about it in the hopes that it may help someone.

Perhaps, for the skeptics (!), you had been reading about the first two aspects of spirit attack with some tolerance, but then could not at all consider the third aspect of attack to be true. Well, of course, I am deadly serious in claiming the truth of this. This is why this blog is a blog about the paranormal; it deals with a reality that is unusual and far away from the everyday experience of most people. And that's good for them - they are spared the suffering and the struggles with beings of strong hostile intent. But what I'm talking about in this third aspect of disturbance is telepathic transmission of mental energies - is that really so unreasonable? Do you really think that is impossible? All of the interchanges within this syndrome take place within the psychic realm. I'm not physically sharing space with people who can be deemed pychopathically hostile.

So, now I've come clean.

Predominantly the disturbances I experience are of the first two kinds, which are very frequent, and together with the frequent mental traffic I get from hearing voices that are unwelcome, these account for the majority of discomfort I feel. Just hearing voices of a neutral kind, at the wrong time, can be extremely wearing, like "the straw that broke the camel's back", and cause feelings of total despair, exceeding personal will power to the point of leading to suicidal feelings. This is where meditation comes in, to actively seek during easier times a 'window' in the mental intrusion, and taste peace. Otherwise the troubling can seem relentless, and we despair.

Do some research, and you find that drug-taking is a cause of people needing to take steps to spiritually defend and protect themselves. I'm still trying to put a stop to this trouble for myself, to change things back to normal. I hope that for some, reading this blog will certainly be an advert for avoiding drugs and being safe during spiritual practices.

Monday 24 January 2011

Thoughts About Thoughts: Self-generated Suffering and Liberating Thinking

I thought about suffering over Christmas, about how our response to pain can make us suffer or not. I mean if we respond well to stress, we know it is there, but do not allow it to make us sad.

"Nothing is good or bad except thinking makes it so", said William Shakespeare in one of his plays. 

What is an in-born trait and what is human conditioning? For example religion and royalty are two things that a person can be born into, but, if we look closely, we find are cultural, not biological!

It was my idea that suffering can be like that. You can get 'attached' to pain. You can despair. All of this is in your thinking, in the thoughts you have in response to pain. For example, the thought "This is not fair!" when things 'go wrong' will cause you to carry around anger and may lead you into a depression.

This is like cognitive behavioural therapy, I think. Being watchful of how we react to things. If I am always angered and frustrated when I hear an intrusive voice, I lose will power and feel sad; if I can be conscious of my response and stay relaxed, I will be flexible and will be able to cope better.


I'm merely commenting from my own situation and from what I have read; I don't wish to speak lightly of your own pain, if you have any. And I hope that this helps you.

My Perspective: An Interesting Position

My perspective is interesting because I am making my own way, intellectually. The education I get to frame my experience, I find myself, no one is training me, or informing me directly. I rely on my own understanding and efforts.

Having become psychically aware very suddenly, I went through a long process of re-orientation, with no one to guide me; I found any information myself, and over years. This blog is a means for me to serve others in my position, and I have to say, I think those people are lucky in finding this blog and having it to lead them. I am 'bigging myself up', it seems, but really I'm making an important point about information - and orientation. Knowing where you are.

Medically, I see a GP every six months, I see a psychiatrist every three to five months; if I was to complain, I would say they medicate me, and leave me to it. There is a community psychiatric nurse who sees me once a month or every three weeks, which is great, and he helps me by talking things over; last time he was warning me about stress. He said that anyone can have a psychotic breakdown given enough stressors in their life - which I found strangely comforting, as it made me feel less odd! (He also said that if anyone took an antipsychotic, then suddenly stopped taking it, they would probably become psychotic...)
What I am working round to saying (!) is that they don't work too much in guiding me either, or trying to pick apart the elements of my inner world to heal me.

I have been growing in a 'vacuum'. Following my own initiative and finding out truth for myself. Also gaining added awareness and clarity over time.
It is a stressful process, sometimes, to be a student and teacher at the same time - I mean to depend on myself for learning.

I am the only person who is very psychic that I know - so there is no one to validate or inform me, to support and reassure me. And now I have reached enough understanding to begin to share it, with you the reader - that's a good thing.

Sunday 23 January 2011

Introducing Milarepa, A Hero of the Inner World.

I have just been reading an article found here called "Inviting the demon" about the great Tibetan Buddhist poet-saint Milarepa and his adventures with demons. He went away to be a hermit and found himself harassed by demons.

I laughed when I read this, about when Milarepa first 'met' the hostile spirits:

Shocked, Milarepa politely introduced himself and asked them to
leave. At this, the demons became menacing, surrounding him while
growling, grimacing, and laughing maliciously. Milarepa was alarmed and attempted the most powerful of exorcism recitations, to no avail. The demons became even more threatening. Next, the yogin tried with great compassion to pacify them with Buddhist teachings, but they still remained, more vivid and horrible than before.

 
Clearly Milarepa couldn't find anything that worked to rid himself of the demons, not even 'the most powerful of exorcism recitations'!
 
This echoes my experience. That nothing seems to get rid of the threatening energies coming in.
Reading further in the article, I learned that Milarepa saw meeting with these spirits as a projection of his own mind - a manifestation of his own creating [read older posts to find out more about the metaphysical philosophy that we are all creating our reality in a primal sense, through our minds, whether in a more or less controlled manner]. That was interesting, and resounded with what I have been writing here.
 
If you need to love your demons, keep reading the article linked above, because it says that Milarepa also thought that these spirits were filled with luminosity and transparency, just the same as everything else. This reminded me of a near death account I read about at http://www.near-death.com/ of someone dying, and being accompanied by angels; whilst on a tour, they were shown a person who was down-and-out, lying in the gutter and drunk, and then that someone who was near death was asked by the angels what they saw - they reacted with disgust at the individual, before being shown by the angels that even this person who seemed degraded was full of love and light. To read that is an uplifting and reassuring experience - we are all filled with love and light! It is the essential nature of the universe/God's energy.
 
Milarepa strengthens himself, saying:
 
Faith grew in my mother's womb. A baby, I entered the door of
Dharma; A youth, I studied the Buddha's teaching; A man, I lived
alone in caves. Though demons, ghosts, and devils multiply, I am not afraid ....
I, Milarepa, fear neither demons nor evils; If they frightened
Milarepa, to what avail Would be his realization and enlightenment?

 
Then he invites the demons in to stay with him - symbolic of 'accepting' them, the beginning of compassion. In the article, the writer Judith Simmer-Brown says that this moment of invitation is important: instead of avoiding difficulties within our psyche, we profit by facing them and dealing with them.When Milarepa realises that the demons are projections in the world he creates and that they are not external to him but part of him, he can then 'look' at these parts to address them, rather than avoid them. And indeed he does 'look' at them, first challenging them to see who's way is stronger, the White or the Black, before boldly charging at them; they then dissolve, in fear. Milarepa has confronted his demons and won - moreover, he has settled for himself which way of living is superior - the Way of Light.
 
 
Our demons may be internal qualities, or they may appear to be outside of us, either way, this Buddhist story teaches us
  • not to be afraid
  • to see the perception of evil as arising from within oneself
  • to accept the situation and deal with it
  • to trust in goodness
  • to confront darkness.
There are valuable lessons here. And it made me laugh that he couldn't get rid of them with any means he initially knew of!
 
Previously, I was confused by delusion, And staying in the dwelling

of ignorant confusion, I perceived gods who help and demons who harm as real.
Now, through the kindness of the jetsun siddha, I understand there
is no samsara to stop, no nirvana to accomplish. Whatever appears
arises as mahamudra.
With the realization that confusion is groundless, The water that
reflects the moon of awareness is clear of murkiness. The sun of
luminosity, free of clouds, Clears away the darkness of ignorance
from the edges. Deluded confusion disappears. The true nature arises from within.
The precious thought that perceives demons is the wonderful
clarifier of the unborn bias. 

Once Milarepa had gone beyond this state of awareness where he perceived evil, every moment that came to him he was able to accept and welcome.There was nothing to do, and he could be happy with all of Life. Perhaps Milarepa had gone beyond a sense of separation with the darkness, he had healed his relationship with it by not rejecting it (he invited the demons in); for how could he be whole, as someone who had once committed "black deeds" whilst he absolutely rejected evil, however pure he was in the present? There is a lesson of flexibility here. Being organic and not absolute, compassionate not judgemental. There is more humility in the purity that loves rather than judges; we must do what Jesus said, be humble in purity remembering that none is without sin, rather than "throw stones".
Being pure means healing ourselves and our perspective, rather than being closed off, separate, and living within a fixed boundary. Perhaps the sensation that there is something, an obstacle, that is very discordant in my awareness is a sign that I have been living with and making a painful judgement, which must be healed in order for there to be peace within me.
This whole syndrome of spiritual warfare could therefore be seen as a painful moment of personal growth and opportunity to take steps to move beyond polarity. Either that or live with a painful awareness forever! And I suppose it takes time, to gain the added understanding, the clarity that Milarepa mentions in his song above. Is that too ambitious? The whole thing has to progress somehow.
 
All this is a spiritual way of looking at being under the influence of hostile spirits or dark energies. It is based on unity, on a unifying perception, and it is based on the realisation that we are creative (receiving the exact nature of our Great Creator and calling reality to us in accordance with our mental activity). Also important is the respect we can have for ourselves and for all of life as being full of love and light, whatever the frightening outer appearances may be.

I rejoiced when I found this story because I identified with it. We can all be like Milarepa, and heal ourselves.

PS I found this article on Milarepa whilst investigating the integration of the shadow self. It was my idea that rather than heal all the lower astral world, I would heal the lower nature nature in myself. This article above, then, is especially interesting, as it shows interactions with the lower astral world as being a projection/extension of the self, and shows that resolution does not come by treating our stubborn demons as external beings, but by dealing with them as intrinsically linked to our mind and world-view. Rather than requiring a simple exorcism, we require careful self-analysis, and commitment to personal change. Christian demonology will examine a person's life and say, "why are you in this situation?" - and that is valid; perhaps the spirit oppression shows us that there are still unresolved areas at the edge of our consciousness that we had not quite been aware of, - perhaps we are being shown that there is another journey to be made towards psychic health, another story and adventure to undertake.

PPS It occurred to me that when Milarepa confronts the intrusive and ill-tempered spirits, he is expressing his strength, and asserting his right to his own space. Or symbolically, this means that really, love and light are more powerful than malice and fear. In the end, [according to Neale Donald Walsch's God], fear is in service of Love, and fear is ultimately an illusion. Comforting.
Secondly, going back to the point about being humble and not assuming a position of superiority based on one's level of evolution/based on right and wrong, the power struggle between Milarepa and the demons could be seen to be about dignity. They are angry, hostile; they cannot be pacified - there is a grudge between them. Only when they have been invited in can they be dealt with. Symbolically, whatever we do, we are still the same being doing it, we still have the same worth, whatever the appearance of matters - even demons deserve recognition.  This means that we cannot separate ourselves from ourselves in becoming and being pure, because there is continuity between the self that does the 'black deed' and the self that is pure (good, lightsome, godly, kind). The path of evolution requires total respect for all of Life, and we cannot proceed whilst carrying harsh opinions, because all is one. It's easy to be proud when in conflict with another, but humility is healing, - it brings peace.
Indeed, I did have a period growing up when I did things that were harmful. I still look back in a troubled way sometimes - I would benefit from looking at my personal growth and seeing who I was when all this began, and blessing my former self rather than cursing that self. It follows that the awareness of darkness cannot be healed with rejection.

Monday 10 January 2011

Relief From Mental Suffering Through Meditation

I believe that meditation is a key to enduring through mental illness. When we meditate, we are actively detaching from normal mental activity and finding rest.
I believe that meditation provides us with rest when there is no other solution to mental unease and pain.

Too often, I might get carried away with the relentless discomfort of my condition and begin to despair, just through the overwhelming stress. But meditation offers us all a way round pain.

Meditation provides a window where there otherwise would not be one - except that found through sleep, or drug use. Meditation is a healthier choice than taking drugs! And it can be more nourishing than sleep.


As I understand it, to meditate is to cultivate the gains that come from being relaxed and from being tranquil inside.

I admit, for me personally, I have been averse to meditating, because it puts me in confrontation with the thought processes I usually wish to avoid - but this 'confrontation' can be helpful, to keep company with those thoughts, with peaceful intent.

So, I recommend meditation (and meditation practice can be as simple or as complex as you like). It brings me peace. Consider meditation as a valuable source of relief from mental suffering.