Clozaril Update 30 November 2012

I am now post the six month mark, still on 350mg a day. Memory problems (that were quite significant) have improved and returned to normal. My disorderly speech has cleared up. - All this is really good.

I just started a new diet for myself, becoming sugar and alcohol free, which released a burst of activity and periods of really feeling uplifted and happy. I don't think this increased activity is due to the medicine working. I am losing weight, due to the diet change. I had risen up in weight quite a lot since starting clozaril, and am now starting to manage that. I don't do any formal exercise (but I walk a mile or two a few times a week). I don't wish to go to the gym until I have lost a lot of weight, to avoid stressing my body. I figured out that I was eating for an eight and a half day week! I had really been overtaken with sugar eating. It has not been too hard to throw off. I have been fairly permissive of fatty foods, and have been tending towards healthy eating. Perhaps I will cut down on high fat foods in the future. So far, I am on day 2 of week 2 of a three week diet. I had read that to make a change to habit requires 21 days of abstinence.

No obvious change to my mind. I am seeing a psychiatrist in two weeks, and I expect her to raise the clozaril. By the way, I have been put on a blood-pressure lowering medicine, as my blood pressure has been high since starting clozaril. Also Hyoscine Hyrdrobromide has not really been helpful with drooling, but I can stay happy by changing my pillow cases and through use of a waterproof pillow protector beneath the cover.

I have had low moods, - in October I mostly only played a computer game! - I played the same challenge over and over again. Doc said this to be expected due to family reunions and hospitalization. It felt like depression though - there were things to do, but I didn't have the strength to do them. I have stopped playing that game now, and I also have not.been very depressed. Actually, the last few days have been low for me - I think maybe my recent burst of activity coinciding with diet change was too much for me. (I have a history of ongoing fatigue from overwork, and if I do too much, I run out of energy.) Anyway, something I thought or did recently has made me feel low - but it is not the worst depression, and I expect it to blow over.

The government have asked me to attend an interview aimed at rehabilitation to work. Stress is a danger (risk of breakdown). Sleep is an obstacle (I can't rely on my ability to wake up at a certain time to do things). There are issues with the medicine, in that it could bring changes to my mind for up to a year after starting it (ie, I'm still in a major change phase, that could be disturbed by stress). I had been thinking about working, myself - to help the country during recession, - and in response to a celestial friend's voice saying that I am "swinging the lead" - an English phrase for avoiding work for a small reason. And let's not forget, mental illness itself can be like a job - but why not test the waters to see if I can do something? Work brings rewards of higher self-esteem, of a larger circle of friends - and more money to ease the way! At present, I think that part time work that feels comfortable would be a lifelong goal and ideal - full time I know to be too much. In the UK, I am allowed to earn a certain amount of money (nearly £100 a week) and to work for a certain length of time (2 days a week). The important thing is that I would enjoy the work and be comfortable with the workload. I don't know what I could do, though. There was a role for a dog-walker near where I live, but the advertisement requested applicants who drive; - perfect job for me (I love dogs), but I don't drive. It would be good to at least try something, and find out what I am capable of.

So that's it! Medicine has made me look at my diet to reverse weight gain, and I have made discoveries of extra happiness with a change of diet. Also next week I take a step towards paid work.. The following week I will see the psychiatrist who will probably raise the dose of clozaril, and it would be a very exciting thing if it helped me. So far, my mind is as it has been for years.

Good luck to you readers out there in Internet land, I wish you great good health. 

Clozaril Details: The Beginning

I emerged from hospital last week, after 5 weeks on Clozaril. There is not much to say, actually, because I have only had side effects so far and am not on a therapeutic dose yet, according to the doctor.

I have felt really tired, sleeping till the afternoon, sometimes feeling faint walking about (like my blood sugar levels were affected). I had high readings for blood pressure and pulse, but that only meant that they raised the clozaril dosage slowly to be more easily accepted. I had one "amber" result but it was only a very little way under the green barrier, so I was okay to keep taking the medicine.
I noticed it made my speech slurred and disordered - I really noticed it upsetting my communication. Also my memory was affected - I had trouble remembering if I had already told someone something, in conversation, or remembering if I had done something that had happened the day before.

The speech and memory problems are not so bad now. I am still having problems of feeling faint when walking around. Last night I slept from around 11:30pm to 4:45 pm today (over sixteen hours).

Also "drooling" while asleep. And wetting the bed once (about day 3) - which is a side effect, I was told.


So that's some detail on the medicine, which I have been told is "life changing", and a "wonder drug". It hasn't started working yet! But the doctor said I could carry on noticing change for up to a year after starting. At least I have got through the hospitalisation. I coped by going to the hospital cafe every day, and enjoying the sights of the surrounding hills. And reading and writing. And I made some good connections in there with staff and patients. It really reminded me how very ill I was when I was hospitalised before, in 2008, because no one there really seemed as ill when I was in last time.


So there you go! Clozaril: not so scary or difficult, and hope for change.

Update: Reflections and Clozaril

I have noticed that sometimes the darkness that comes into my consciousness is stronger than me, and it is determinedly evil. But you can't expect to always be stronger than others. But this is serious, it is no joke, I realize, to be thus in relation with unquiet souls. But I am grateful that it is not worse, that I am not in relation with truly demonic souls, just ones who are emotionally disturbed.


I have really started to hang on to the idea of taking Clozaril. I have had my blood taken for testing, and hope to go into hospital in the next few weeks. I am hoping it will desensitize the psychic awareness that has for so long been excessive. I am hoping I won't lose my 'friends' from the spirit world, just - what a wonderful idea - to tune out the earthbound spirits around me who attack, and the voices of the two poor spirits attached to me. I have been thinking I will have to go to a spirit release expert again, to help those attached spirits to get home (again, again).

I have great hope that the pain will go away. I don't know how my world will change, exactly, though. I have faith in spirituality and the reality I know and that others speak of - I don't wish to lose that part of my life.

Keep the faith, those of you who come here to this blog looking for direction and affirmation of your spiritual world-view and extra-sensory experience.

I will (hopefully) be going into hospital for a few weeks, and then the medicine carries on having its most  beneficial effects for maybe six to twelve months more. I will report back, here, on what the journey was like. I wonder what it will be like. Will it feel like a dam breaking? Will it open my eyes? Will it reawaken my bright feelings? It may well be that it reaches the tired open part of me and heals that shut. That would be great.

So I believe in "more than the eye can see", and I also have hope in medicine to help me. I know medicine has helped me in the past. I say, don't give up on medicine.



Recently I was lying in bed late at night before going to sleep, and I had a vision of a man in armour with a sword, and he waved a hello to me in a very friendly fashion. I thought this was my spirit guide, and he must have been exploring my immediate astral environment to lead away or deter unquiet souls. I just thought I would share that, as a post script. The spirit world is always there, in all its glory. Neither madness, nor science - nor dark beliefs - can destroy it. I pray for everyone who is finding their way through life with very enhanced psychic sensitivity, who suffers because of it and perhaps could use more corroboration from the world. Good luck finding your peace.