Feelings

Today I woke up late, which made me angry. How late? 1730. After about 16 hours of sleep.  (Why?)

I then proceeded to try and work on my writing, but my father seemed frustrated with this, and God-knows-how, interfered with and partially obstructed my mind to the effect that I could not think creatively about what I was doing. This made me angrier. Why does he obstruct me when I am already feeling low? Why don't my spirit helpers stop him influencing me like that?

So I called him 'every name under the sun', and am now "the son of an idiot"; there it is. Better to be angry than despair in ultimate ways.

I am not responding to this very constructively right now, but at least am not following a darker route, which has been flitting across my mind this evening.


Let's take a roll call of conditions:

• schizophrenic-type illness
• depression
• exhaustion/fatigue

That's a lot of stress.
But I have much to be thankful for - externally, things are as good as they could be!

I'm sorry to complain. I guess I'd rather be working happily on my writing. I'll let you into a secret: I am hoping to build a career in creative writing. I have a talent for writing.

Some months after he died (nearly 5 years ago), I was thinking about what to do with my life career-wise, and I heard my father's voice joyfully say that I am a born writer. So why does he obstruct me today (and on other days)?


Mysteries, mysteries.


I become very angry, hateful even (hence "son of an idiot"). Don't like.


Maybe this post is useful. A window into the world I live in.

Life With Schizophrenia: Everyday Stress

I just completed a questionnaire at http://www.about.com/ on how well I am coping with schizophrenia.

It made me realise how badly I cope sometimes. And I also now have an understanding of the medical terminology of the schizophrenia diagnosis, because of the questionnaire.

Here's my evaluation:


My active symptoms - eg voices etc, feeling negatively overpowered, thought disturbance - these are unchanged by medication, and intrude into my everyday life most of the time.

The passive symptoms, including my ability to look after myself and eat well and look after my dwelling/ clear up after myself - these are all impacted by the active symptoms. Periodically I go into depressions because of the painfulness of the condition, and at those times, I have trouble looking after myself in an ideal way.

In terms of cognitive symptoms, I am pretty normal, I think. Although my spoken language can often be awkward.


I was surprised to see that obsessive remorsefulness about the past is a symptom of the illness. I certainly have that, often feeling uncomfortable about past misdeeds.


Here is the link to the test:  Schizophrenia assessment


I admit, I was also surprised to see that my chief active symptoms were summed up in these words, when I was asked if I:

• Feel that you have some "special" ability that others don't have
• Fear that others are working/using their powers to hurt or harm you
• Hear sounds or voices when there is nobody around
• Think that others can read your mind or control your thoughts

So there's a consensus where we can meet, in those words. That's a pretty accurate diagnosis, above, of what the bad side of the condition is like - in theory. And I, who have the condition, will advocate for the opinion that the cause of this pain-causing condition is spiritual; the medics will argue that I am insane, although they have no spiritual perspective on Life in their system.



All this is interesting. I was in a good mood before I did this questionnaire, then I realised how much stress I am under! I have no job, but I still have stress. I have no dependents, but I still have stress. I do have lots of free time, but my quality of life means that the value of all the free time is sadly somewhat diminished.

I can describe the passive symptoms of trouble with routine and self-care by saying that every little thing seems a challenge to be avoided. But I have exhaustion too, (I really do), which adds to the difficulty and stress. But on the depressed days, I can be living in a real mess. I said today, things would be a lot easier if I had people to help me as a cook and a housekeeper!

So we can learn that stress is something to notice, because it causes breakdowns. And worse. I know how I feel sometimes. It's ultimately painful. I wish there was some medicine that would work for me, either for pain or for the strange inner drama I have! Let's wait and see...

Short Post On Lifestyle When Suffering Mental Ill Health

Just like you would think that someone 'cast away' on a desert island might go mad from loneliness and despair, if they weren't careful, you should expect that someone who could be much more active outside the home and interact more with others socially may become depressed, may sit at home and start wondering about the meaning of life in a very despairing way.

Solitude and inactivity may likely breed depression - that's something to remember. Open up windows on the world.

PS: Afterthought: the solitude and low level of interaction with the world, being at home all the time, may mean you are starved of meaningful activity and suffer through a low level of variety in your life - and you may not exactly notice the cause, either. "Variety is the spice of Life," they say, and that rings true.

This is a post drawing insight from my own life, because my social circle is small and not local to me, and I am officially unemployed... It's a little dangerous- you end up wondering what to do with yourself, getting bored, not having any ideas of what to do, feeling lonely, even feeling unworthy of connection with others.

It's better to be conscious of the emotional risks of this lifestyle.

First Post

I'm sitting at my computer; the iTunes soundtrack is Shakira. Rubbing my head, a little hair moults - which makes me think of when I took flax oil 2 years ago to try and cure my depression, and it started me balding... [Shakira sings, "Have you felt the melancholy, darling?"]

But enough of that.

Fast forward a few tracks. (Thank you for the energy of 'Timor' and 'La Tortura', Shakira!)



My main point here, in this first post, is to say that I'm new to the blogosphere. Totally new! Feels strange. Have just read about it being better not to write too much here... So the aim is to entertain curiosity without irritating! I'll try.