I am Feeding You From My Heart: Manifesto of Action on Spiritual Disturbance

A better term than haunting is "spiritual disturbance". I am writing this advice for you if you are in the same position as I have known. It is a voice of experience sharing approaches of personally proven value, though I am not myself yet clear of spiritual disturbance. This is as much as I can share right now, and from my heart. In writing this I am honouring a spiritual view of voices audible in the mind being clairaudience of telepathic messages from the spirit world. I am writing about ways of dealing with what is called by alternative health sources a rare situation of spirit intrusion, when intelligent and powerful spirit parts of deceased people come into the part of the self that is the personal creative space enclosure that is the human "aura".

Step One 
Don't befriend the speaking entities. 
If you believe you are really and truly talking to ghosts in your mind that are staying local to you in your aura space, resident with you, which in the vast majority of cases you don't consciously invite or approve of, don't befriend them. It's the last thing you wish to do for them to strengthen any emotional attachment to Earth and addiction to Earth life. Be a friend to their higher good if you can, hold good will for them like God does, but I recommend never being a "friendly friend" to them. You can be gracious, but you must meet them firmly. They are feeding from your own life force when they don't have to and going against a number of spiritual laws. Also, for many reasons, it is likely that they are not going to be a friend to you, and their goal may primarily be just to survive and avoid God and responsibility out of fear. They are there to take advantage of conditions they mistakenly believe they need for life. It does not serve to be personally friendly with them in thought, word or deed, when their rightful place is far away from Earth and its people, they belong with the intelligent Light of Lights that is God in the higher spirit world going on with their lives. Do what you have to to get them out of your personal space and to protect yourself from them. It's the same rule you follow in the company of a hungry tiger. Recognise the ghost entities for what they are and be aware. There are better friends out there to know. 

Step Two
Ignore the speaking entities
This step is similar to the first step. It is borrowed from a really helpful teaching found on the website www.MichaelTeachings.com on a page called "Thought forms and dark entities: how to get rid of them". This teaches that when there are ghosts attaching to a person and speaking to their mind, the effect is like OCD and the proper treatment response is similar. Acknowledge the extra sensory perception for what it is and do nothing in response but ignore it, and then the attached souls will usually fall away and drift off for want of attention.  
This can be done. I find that my attachments have been quite deeply imbedded, hard to avoid conversing with mentally. I have recently been benefiting from repeating "Not worthy. Not worthy. Not worthy of my holy attention." as a way of unhooking myself from any arguments with them over low words. Not everything that goes through a person's mind is worth paying attention to, and even more so for someone with unhappy, unfriendly, frightened or lonely spirits talking to their mind. Again, their home is not with mortals, and your time on Earth living in health is very dear: help God by doing what you can to shake them off. Acknowledge perceptions and ignore them as far as humanly possible.
Step Three 
Be assertive of your rights. 
Most resident souls I think have understanding that they have died. These discarnate human spirit beings may not be fully lucid. It helps to remember that they are basically afraid and confused and upset. They may not always appreciate that you are real, similar to how we being schooled in scientific thinking doubt them. However, these souls, in my experience are often exploiting and abusing human beings with some understanding of what they are doing with them. You have to have appreciation for your spiritual rights, that are on a similar or higher wavelength of a solemn oath made with God. To move them out you must have faith in your rights stronger than their mass beliefs in their spirit world about their superiority to Earth people and any ideas they have justifying disrespectful treatment - which they formulate and hold as an attempt at understanding their strange situation. Your spiritual integrity as a single and private and free being is sacrosanct, you must affirm and assert this as far as humanly possible. Know and believe that you are a free being with power and holy rights with God. It is way, way, way far off Divine intention that you are suffering any sentient spiritual intrusion. It's just not meant to be, though in the free will universe it can occur as a transient state.  It is from the discarnate souls' dependent will and their poor understanding of their condition, it does not reflect universal order and Divine will, and as such it cannot abide. It may also be summoned by a place within the self inviting transformation and healing. Have faith that this Life state of undesirable community can fall away from you.  

Step Four
Live for others and the greater good
It seems the lower spirit world entities will only be with someone who has somehow a similarity with them, and they can only enter a being who is spiritually very vulnerable in terms of weakened or damaged auric containment, or also enter someone who is at like low vibration as the ones intending to enter. Vulnerability of aura can come about in a number of ways. 
In my experience the lower spirit world inhabitants who are still human souls habitually hold  lower mind qualities that we call meanness, malevolence, anger, unkindness, lower than commonly found on Earth. Now, everyone has a higher and a lower within, that's the way the world is. If you wish to move out of spiritual disturbance there is a path not through fighting whatever adversary presents itself, not in arguing or even offering them good advice, good news or healing, which goodness for me has been a wasted effort and made wasted years: the path is to do what they do not do, what they hate, what they cannot sustain or be around: live for others with a generous heart, love entirely without thought of self. Effort for the good of all.  Remember that everyone can do something for the world that is good with relative ease, that would require God or Heaven to work a major miracle to do, because we are in physical form, whereas those ones are all spirits. We are the hands of God and Heaven and the angels on Earth and can do great things! 
Purify your mind through healing your emotions and changing your way of life so that you are living at the highest level. If like me you've tried healing, you've tried encouraging them to go, take this step, it will transform your life. It's part of the process of spiritual alchemy and it is the meaning of waking up in Earth. Life itself has been called change, so allow yourself to join in! There are others who are also consciously in this process, we are as a 'yeast' of light in the world increasing its spiritual radiance and all good. 

Step Five 
Go your own way with God as your guide
Trust your own heart first in what you are living more than any other. In a predominantly secular culture, with an atheistic scientific perspective, we who hear spirit voices, who are naturally like mediums, go unrecognised and uncelebrated or even dismissed and unnecessarily medicated. Who are you making the authority in your life? Don't hand your body and mind over to another, not even a trained doctor called an expert. Modern Western scientific psychology is only about 140 years old, partially helpful, and incomplete; it is a juvenile science and one-sided, being based strictly in a materialist position.
Some humans of Earth used to think our sun orbited the planet; mass views can be false and change wholesale. I look forward to a time when, for example, Tibetan Buddhist masters are consulted for their expertise generated from many hundreds of years of careful psychological study, or indigenous shamanic healing practitioners of longstanding tradition are asked for advice in psychiatry. I don't think those days are far away. Really though, no one has a monopoly on truth, no one. God speaks to each from a home within every human heart. So, love the God that is manifesting as your doctor, but only be devoted to the truth that the God within you is speaking. We may have reasons to be angry, let's just change the culture instead, and do so in the best way. I stand up for the tradition of spirituality down the ages that gives total credence to the human ability to know more with the mind than the physical senses alone give. Mental voices can be objectively real in origin. 

Step Six
It's okay to let go. 
Know that you are more than you seem to be. You are an indestructible being. Let yourself be more than body-mind self. Be the cloud of your aura, bright and colourful. Be the vision of paradise in your mind that you can be with at will. In truth you are the highest energy that exists in Life, and you go beyond the world in your whole soul and are communing with God. There is something about everyone that exists that is beyond any danger or storm the world brings. That place of being is also only good, only loving. It is not true that you are fallen if you have gone astray and got caught in lower energies, you have had an Earthly setback fully subject to correction and balancing. Who you are is eternally great, good and loved. Perhaps you don't see this in the Life you know, but surely this is truth. First you believe, then you find your way, then you know it all, with all saints and masters since forever and for all time. Where are you? We can know Heaven and live with Heaven on Earth.  

Step Seven
Read, study, learn.  
Education, education, education. If you are reading this you have a taste of something that is beyond the common culture. It may be the universe is asking you to take part in your own healing, when you ask for a change in Life, you yourself may be a medium of that with a part to play.  Go to a spiritualist church and learn to close down psychic awareness or open it at will, find a good book on psychic development. Find a mentor in spiritual knowledge.  Surely if you are hearing voices it is naturally possible that you are awake as a psychic person, and you got that way without any special preparation; psychicness is normal! It is imperative for a person with really strong spiritual sensitivity to gain skills of self-safeguarding and energy management - for example slowing personal growth by closing chakras, or shielding the self with coloured light or mirrored surfaces around the aura. This is a call to wake up to the situation  that is there, because there are ways for you to help yourself, if you know them. In a world where people can be more or less spiritually sensitive, and where there is such a thing as creative subtle influence of mind - where we can affect each other, whether from when we are alive on Earth or afterwards, between lives - it may be important for an individual to combine awareness with skills or shared understanding on how to live in that world. Everyone is in a different 'place' in their experience; if it is meaningful to you to be safe and live in peace and harmony as a psychic, there are ways to do this, and be schooled in it.
After all that though, you may find that emotional healing and opening to love is your central tool for peace.

Step Eight 
Get help 
If you are stuck and in discomfort or afraid, reach out to another person and talk and ask for help as best you can. A friendly and wise priest, a trusted faith healer, an official medical figure, a family member or close friend - talk to someone and seek help. No-one is alone in truth, in truth everyone has friends. There are ways and means to remedy spiritual emergency related to spirit disturbance, whether that be some kind of talking therapy, even helpful medication or asylum refuge, all the way to the intervention of someone who has psychic sensitivity and more strength than you who cares and knows enough and can help. Not everyone called an exorcist is really going to be one (please watch out for dishonest people) - and even true exorcists might not be able to help you because of personal conditions and the readiness of a person to be healed. It makes no sense to stand in a corner like a boxer taking hits long-term, when there is something you can do about it. Do something positive, especially when you would like to be living on a happier path and time is passing. You can't always do everything alone, you have a very good chance if you join forces with another.  And if you don't succeed at first, keep going, keep looking, think cleverly, above all, keep looking for the right person to help you. Persistence is one of THE keys to success on Earth. Don't let the disturbed souls in a 'dream' fighting you and mocking your boundaries be the only ones persisting to act. There are people who know what to do about spiritual disturbance, which they don't do just through a gift of personal strength but by working with allies from higher realms of spirit who are strong and peaceful. Maybe your path is finding such allies, perhaps with training by an existing healer, I don't know. Or it is simply to join in this 'dance' of allowing a group action healing to occur. I believe in spiritual healing, I have known it, and can vouch for it. 

Step Nine 
Keep the faith
I know from their sayings to me that the host of Heaven are always supportive of me in my life in this world. They back us. I know in my heart that there is a greater truth about Life that is good. Call it what you will the intelligence of the Allness, I call it God, Love, Bliss, Friend. I have read that God always wishes you to be your best self in the greatest life story you can imagine for yourself. I have read that there is no cause of suffering in Life, only a cause of joy from the beginning of Creation. These are very old truths and also new truths. Part of being in health is keeping a positive mentality. Everywhere people are proclaiming good news about Life. If you look and listen, you will find a real abundance of good news, of reasons to be joyful. It comforts me to believe in a Higher Power above all others and sustaining all others that is guiding the existence I am in, and it comforts me to have hope in the plan God has for myself and all Life. Faith can be a great support and strength during any period of hardship. God is always calling us to full self-remembrance and knowledge of joy and to love one another.

Step Ten
Chill, baby
 Now it's time to put your philosophical hat on and take off your hat of worry. Your philosophical hat is large and loosely worn, stately, though comfortable. It suits you! (Don't bother with that other one too much.) 
Life challenges are not forever. Neither are they everything, or the point of Life. Life is in who you are when you are not looking at yourself. Life is in the way you feel when you are free from care. Life is asking you NOT TO STARE at the difficult stuff. Life is reminding you of the Essence and giving you a playful dig in the ribs. Look at this! Did you see it? Tell me you noticed the wonder, beauty and perfection of what is going on? You're part of it! You are the million mile wide sun and the billions years old Earth. You are as good as that hero, as fine as that brilliant mind, you are as strong as anyone who has ever lived! You go into every new day with the same luck and blessings as any one who has ever lived! There is a picture of you and it is as sweet as the eternal beauty of the ocean, the forest, the twilight, the smell of fresh air in the early morning, the profound majesty of whale or elephant. Do you get that you are adorable as any wonder of Creation? 
If it can change, it will. Picture your perfect life conditions and hold that. The answer is not always in poring over details trying to fix them within the limitations of all you know. God knows your prayers and what is good for you already, trust that all is working for your great happiness. 
Lastly, slow down. I know what it is to be busy in your mind and outwardly busy too. You can remedy this by taking breaks during the day, and going further than simple and shallow relaxation. Do more than rest in sleep, get conscious rest too - find ways to relax and rest during waking hours, for example through a "meditation" method. Such rest is highly rewarding and will replenish you more than what you ordinarily might consider relaxing (for example TV, chatting, music, intoxicants). If you don't rest you will be weaker; I commend you to pursue a deliberate deep relaxation method during the daytime. Meditation can be exactly like a medicine. Be able to let go of effort, relaxing the will and resting, and do so safely.  



That's all. I am feeding you from my heart's truth. I hope you will find something to digest and be fed by here. 
I am glad to be one voice of many, and many voices have given to me to bring me to this stage; there are yet further views to consider, too. 
I will put this post as a page here on the blog.  I hope that the people who come to this blog benefit from this page if it is relevant to them. I hope these steps give one or many "quantum leaps" in your life, readers! 
There must be more to say - I am not out of the woods yet, but I am sharing with you trustworthy ideas to help you on your way through the temporary life condition that is disturbance of human mind and being through the awareness of human spirits temporarily in lower evolution. For myself, I feel like I have really begun an alchemical process of change recently, I feel hope. I wish every reader hope, happiness and happy awakenings in your Life, in all ways that are best.  

Mr. S.

Progress Report Very Good Long General Post On Spirit Attachment/Haunting

I am not 100% sure that my inner conversations with spirits in lower state are really objectively real. I certainly believe it is possible for a person to be haunted and talk to spirits they can't see, who are there all the time.

My "attaching spirits" came when I was in psychiatric hospital. I was in distress, afraid of another patient and I felt a watermelon sized orb 'jump' from that patient into my aura area. After that time I heard a voice of the same ethnicity as that patient who had been near me.

There are other signs, such as, I knew the full name of that patient, and the spirit has the same given name and family name (information I have picked up over the years of attaching).

In the first year I was as if in a dream and accepted the haunting soul as a friend... Bear in mind I had just had a breakdown. Then after that first year, he turned malicious for a reason unknown to me and began to bully me with harsh language.

That was nearly twelve years ago that I was in hospital and this began.

I believe, as many spiritual healers do, that it is possible for people to pick up these orb-souls who are themselves attached to the things of Earth life (in the case of my attachee, cannabis and sexual congress) and who may be afraid to go on (he had committed a crime) and who may or may not be someone with a history that has led them to choose to be psychologically violent (as my attaching ones are). 

At present I have this long-standing spirit and one other of two years' attachment and a third that changes completely every few months, as well as transient 'visitors' who come to add criticism or harassment. 

I read a long time ago that if these types of being come to you, there are probably three of them at once, and also they are able to come to you in moments of weakness like unconsciousness and after trauma (like for me, psychiatric breakdown).

I had in fact had the sensation of more distant, unidentifiable souls watching over my mind and pushing my thoughts around to hurt me in dark ways for some eight years previous to the intrusion at the hospital. This surveillance began after I recovered from psychotic breakdown in 1999 which was brought on by intensive cannabis smoking, starting after one month and progressing through a total of ten months of intensive use. Drugs, according to the spiritual community, of any kind, whether alcohol or cannabis up to the powerful hallucinogens, can weaken the aura's boundaries and make it permeable to spirit intrusion.

I write this to help others. I don't feel I am breaking any great taboo, because there are many who guide on this subject online, I only write from experience as well, adding what I have known.

I have quite a lot of insight on psychic conflict and dealing with abusive minds without much personal space or distance. It is a daily fight, but now I come to realise that if I fight to defend myself, whether in defending my sense of space inside or my sense of basic comfort, or my self-image, or what appears to be the truth or what is good - if I perform any of these apparently essential functions, I reinforce their reasons to attack and their illusions that lead them to aggression.

This may as well be arguing about the way the moon tastes with someone who thinks it is made of green cheese... I'd like to open up a little door here, and say that all of this is a simple extension of the belief in the persistence of life beyond death, which journey most souls make in a simple fashion, while others after dying seek to stay near Earth out of fear of the Life beyond or confusion as to what happened at death, or out of 'attachment' to Earthly things. Some may have had little spiritual belief or have been less conscientious in Life and so gravitate backwards after their reality suddenly expands at death.

Dying is one thing, it is said that after dying there is a grand spiritual experience, like an encounter with Grace in full. So no need to worry about that. But there is also choice over what happens then. Spirits (people liberated from mortal form) either go up to further evolution or cling to Earth. I believe in universal salvation, so all of Life keeps on moving and changing and growing and becoming brighter and warmer. Every soul finds its way Home. Not a home that exists on Earth somewhere down your street, but a world more perfect and beautiful and joyful that is eternal. Everything changes.

Do I need to write anything about Deity, that is all-powerful and great and good? I believe in a Deity, and would like to know that One better. It is said God's nature is bliss that could be described as like a million pleasures at once, and that God is Love so great that He gave HIs son Jesus to us on Earth knowing that soul was so great he would be killed for that greatness.

What is God's will in haunting, which can seem so confusing? I have to believe that universally, God fully prefers mortal people to be undisturbed by Earthbound spirits. There are complexities of metaphysical explanations as to what is going on, but I think we are guided to health and happiness in Life when there are such conditions. We are not left abandoned to the situation. 

Why can I hear intelligent-sounding voices in my brain that have no obvious immediate  physical origin? Astounding. It is called being psychic, in these times. In other words, it is a human faculty to hear the voices of gods and ghosts - we can know Spirit. (Some traditions call Deity "Spirit"). Extra-sensory perception is actually spiritual perception, knowing of a spiritual reality beyond that dense world of the five senses.

In this way, haunting shows us our sensitivity as we are aware of a world beyond that otherwise known.

I have written enough here for now. Thank you for reading, and be safe!

  

    

Clozaril Update 30 November 2012

I am now post the six month mark, still on 350mg a day. Memory problems (that were quite significant) have improved and returned to normal. My disorderly speech has cleared up. - All this is really good.

I just started a new diet for myself, becoming sugar and alcohol free, which released a burst of activity and periods of really feeling uplifted and happy. I don't think this increased activity is due to the medicine working. I am losing weight, due to the diet change. I had risen up in weight quite a lot since starting clozaril, and am now starting to manage that. I don't do any formal exercise (but I walk a mile or two a few times a week). I don't wish to go to the gym until I have lost a lot of weight, to avoid stressing my body. I figured out that I was eating for an eight and a half day week! I had really been overtaken with sugar eating. It has not been too hard to throw off. I have been fairly permissive of fatty foods, and have been tending towards healthy eating. Perhaps I will cut down on high fat foods in the future. So far, I am on day 2 of week 2 of a three week diet. I had read that to make a change to habit requires 21 days of abstinence.

No obvious change to my mind. I am seeing a psychiatrist in two weeks, and I expect her to raise the clozaril. By the way, I have been put on a blood-pressure lowering medicine, as my blood pressure has been high since starting clozaril. Also Hyoscine Hyrdrobromide has not really been helpful with drooling, but I can stay happy by changing my pillow cases and through use of a waterproof pillow protector beneath the cover.

I have had low moods, - in October I mostly only played a computer game! - I played the same challenge over and over again. Doc said this to be expected due to family reunions and hospitalization. It felt like depression though - there were things to do, but I didn't have the strength to do them. I have stopped playing that game now, and I also have not.been very depressed. Actually, the last few days have been low for me - I think maybe my recent burst of activity coinciding with diet change was too much for me. (I have a history of ongoing fatigue from overwork, and if I do too much, I run out of energy.) Anyway, something I thought or did recently has made me feel low - but it is not the worst depression, and I expect it to blow over.

The government have asked me to attend an interview aimed at rehabilitation to work. Stress is a danger (risk of breakdown). Sleep is an obstacle (I can't rely on my ability to wake up at a certain time to do things). There are issues with the medicine, in that it could bring changes to my mind for up to a year after starting it (ie, I'm still in a major change phase, that could be disturbed by stress). I had been thinking about working, myself - to help the country during recession, - and in response to a celestial friend's voice saying that I am "swinging the lead" - an English phrase for avoiding work for a small reason. And let's not forget, mental illness itself can be like a job - but why not test the waters to see if I can do something? Work brings rewards of higher self-esteem, of a larger circle of friends - and more money to ease the way! At present, I think that part time work that feels comfortable would be a lifelong goal and ideal - full time I know to be too much. In the UK, I am allowed to earn a certain amount of money (nearly £100 a week) and to work for a certain length of time (2 days a week). The important thing is that I would enjoy the work and be comfortable with the workload. I don't know what I could do, though. There was a role for a dog-walker near where I live, but the advertisement requested applicants who drive; - perfect job for me (I love dogs), but I don't drive. It would be good to at least try something, and find out what I am capable of.

So that's it! Medicine has made me look at my diet to reverse weight gain, and I have made discoveries of extra happiness with a change of diet. Also next week I take a step towards paid work.. The following week I will see the psychiatrist who will probably raise the dose of clozaril, and it would be a very exciting thing if it helped me. So far, my mind is as it has been for years.

Good luck to you readers out there in Internet land, I wish you great good health. 

Update: Reflections and Clozaril

I have noticed that sometimes the darkness that comes into my consciousness is stronger than me, and it is determinedly evil. But you can't expect to always be stronger than others. But this is serious, it is no joke, I realize, to be thus in relation with unquiet souls. But I am grateful that it is not worse, that I am not in relation with truly demonic souls, just ones who are emotionally disturbed.


I have really started to hang on to the idea of taking Clozaril. I have had my blood taken for testing, and hope to go into hospital in the next few weeks. I am hoping it will desensitize the psychic awareness that has for so long been excessive. I am hoping I won't lose my 'friends' from the spirit world, just - what a wonderful idea - to tune out the earthbound spirits around me who attack, and the voices of the two poor spirits attached to me. I have been thinking I will have to go to a spirit release expert again, to help those attached spirits to get home (again, again).

I have great hope that the pain will go away. I don't know how my world will change, exactly, though. I have faith in spirituality and the reality I know and that others speak of - I don't wish to lose that part of my life.

Keep the faith, those of you who come here to this blog looking for direction and affirmation of your spiritual world-view and extra-sensory experience.

I will (hopefully) be going into hospital for a few weeks, and then the medicine carries on having its most  beneficial effects for maybe six to twelve months more. I will report back, here, on what the journey was like. I wonder what it will be like. Will it feel like a dam breaking? Will it open my eyes? Will it reawaken my bright feelings? It may well be that it reaches the tired open part of me and heals that shut. That would be great.

So I believe in "more than the eye can see", and I also have hope in medicine to help me. I know medicine has helped me in the past. I say, don't give up on medicine.



Recently I was lying in bed late at night before going to sleep, and I had a vision of a man in armour with a sword, and he waved a hello to me in a very friendly fashion. I thought this was my spirit guide, and he must have been exploring my immediate astral environment to lead away or deter unquiet souls. I just thought I would share that, as a post script. The spirit world is always there, in all its glory. Neither madness, nor science - nor dark beliefs - can destroy it. I pray for everyone who is finding their way through life with very enhanced psychic sensitivity, who suffers because of it and perhaps could use more corroboration from the world. Good luck finding your peace.

Extraordinary Health

It occurred to me that:
the solution to extraordinary health difficulties can only be to create extraordinary health.


Today I am doing this in a number of ways. I am wearing a religious medal, a physical item bearing the symbolism of spiritual health and happiness; I am also wearing around my neck a psychic tool of vibrational medicine, incorporating special crystals of the Earth; thus I am invoking two kinds of 'magic' - the magic of positive meaning in the medal and the magic of positive subtle healing influence given by the crystal.



I have been following my bliss today (and working), and have felt as good as on any birthday!


I have been reading an excellent book called "How to Heal Toxic Thoughts" (by modern world health guru Sandra Ingerman), and reflecting on health. (Certainly I got myself into a toxic position, and must work hard to work my way out - did you know this is a process of spiritual alchemy?, processing heaviness within to goodness? My heaviness currently seems to come very much from earthbound spirits I am open to). I realised that on Earth, part of our higher purpose is to make relaxation the name of the game, a kind of detachment that allows us to be graceful with others and good tempered and happy. This is true wealth, I decided. Emotional richness, emotional generosity, and emotional goodness. This is love and peace. (That is one big insight for me!!) What I have to do is clear up mind, to purify what would otherwise be polluted, for my sake and for the good of all. And the basis of this is emotional well-being.
I have made a short space clearing ritual, with holy music and the burning of holy dried plants, which ritual I commenced with a ringing bell sound from tingshas, and I chanted and put on my special crystal pendant. The feelings this summoned were immensely rewarding to me as I did this, it felt like a Sunday after attending a church service! Happy and light.


I have also imagined a pillar of light in each palm, one meeting my body at my forehead, one at my chest and one entering my system at my solar plexus. I gave each point of light a letter that spelt out the Hebrew name of Jesus the Healer of God. Later I visualised this again with each big beam of light in a triangular shape surrounded by a thin circle of light. This was good to me because I remember well having a dream in which Jesus and a number of assistants appeared in the 'place' I was through a portal in the form of a triangle of white light. The light visualisation I made was intended as a powerful means of aligning with positive energy on all levels.


I have also been taking flower essence for radical spiritual health, including the Australian Bush Essences Fringed Violet and Angelsword. I think they are doing something for me. Minimum 4 drops 4 times a day!
I have also been working with a powerful mantra. This is "Everyone loves me, and I love everyone." This is the spiritual reality, truly! Anything else is illusion! Through all the trouble that has been or is or will be, this is the underlying fact. And God only made one type of people, in His image, not two sorts (good people and bad people). This I thought today, and felt better for it.

So, this is a day in the life of a spiritual warrior and "field parapsychologist"! And an honest account of positive steps taken for health and the helpful thoughts that have occurred to him.
In conclusion, to remedy extraordinary difficulty, we must create extraordinary health.




Good luck in your metaphysical journey to an awareness of the health in you that God made.




With best wishes from Mr. S.

Into The Mystic

The voice of someone who is on the other side, who I trust and respect called me a "mystic", some months ago. That was a nice moment, a kind of compliment for me, although he was just expressing what to him was a fact. Imagine that. Imagine that I am a mystic.

Now consider that I am having issues through attracting the attention of spirit people whose mental influence frequently triggers pain in me.

Where is this leading for me? To personal power, to compassion, and the ability not to be attached to pain or aggression from having changed my way of thinking. To acquire on Earth the ways of the soul, to become more and more 'godly'/'Godly' - given the nature of the soul as sharing in the Divine Nature, and thus to experience more of the God Nature in its being qualities, feeling love and joy and peace and other qualities.

A long time ago, on a beach with my grandpa, I was digging a hole, as big as I could. Grandpa helped me dig the hole by filling it in...! Actually what he did was to dig from the outside in, instead of digging deep. He said something like "You have to dig out to dig down". A large hole must be wide as well as deep. I was disheartened by his contribution at first, but now it has taken on another significance. It reminds me of my life as it is now: some time ago I became spiritually aware (I began digging a hole), but problems came with this awareness, and my spirituality was an obstacle to my basic happiness and mental health (the hole became filled in from the outsides); now I am digging, digging, digging, deepening my hole - and as soon as I have cleared out what has fallen in then I will have the happiness of a healthy expanded awareness and great spirituality. Back in the day, my spiritual ambition was as large as my appetite for God, my appetite to feel God's love myself for real, so when all is well, that is what will be present to me - my sense of self-worth, my sense of loveable-ness, and my contentment and peace will be greater than ever and correspond to the Love of God for me, as much as I can take it in.

Spiritual Safety And Well-Being

Look online and you find countless methods of self-care for the spiritually sensitive when you search for special terms like and .

Search online for books on and you will find many sources of information for those who wish to protect or defend themselves against subtle energy related causes of unhappiness.

Search online for spiritual healing practitioners, and you will call up a host of mediums, shamans and Reiki transmitters and others [of differing ability and even of differing honesty (- beware of dishonest people seeking to effectively rob you whilst smiling! May God bless them and be closely with them.) Still, it seems you can do very much yourself, on your own, with a program of daily spiritual self-care].


Recent books, fervent posts on spiritual well-being, ages-old traditions of healing spiritual relations. These are organised systems of belief... and although part of an 'alternative' culture, they will 'by and large' be put forth by people who can be certified sane.

1. There is a Deity, that is loving to all
2. There are guardians who can be called on to help bring spiritual well-being - celestial people, angels, departed loved ones, and even animals

Those who can heal us help us with any energies that affect us that are not moving very quickly, by nudging them into a lighter state, usually by working with a higher power, a stronger power of love and light. You or I can help ourselves through prayer and faith in those Higher Powers, we can even seek to commune with them, drawing them closely to us, until our vibration is faster and we are naturally free from spiritual causes of unhappiness.

Good luck is strong connection with those Higher Powers, and good luck is a habit of spiritual self-care; this is true for all people, but especially those who are sensitive to the subtle reality of Spirit. The rest of health is in being natural - in us being a friend and blessing, in us being happy, in maintaining good relations and in common sense.



So much for my ideas about spiritual health-and-happiness, gained from research and reflections on eleven and a half years of psychic disturbance. For real.

Night is setting in as I write this, and I can see half of the moon, bright in the clear sky.

Supplication says "I pray for you who read this; I wish all of you you all good".

Faith says "God is working miracles with us; even now we are knowing health-and-happiness."

Amen.

On The Outskirts: Life With Schizophrenia

Two things come to mind for this post:

1. A sense of being different
2. My relationship to my peers

I wish to write about what it's like when you have schizophrenia and you compare yourself to others.

As I have written elsewhere on this blog, as someone bearing the diagnosis of schizophrenia, I am a human with full humanity, who also has an alternate perception of the world. I have illness, but I also have the same desires from life as anyone. I wish for the same things that someone with good health wishes for.

• I wish to be successful in the world
• I wish to have a mate [a partner]
• I wish to have an active social circle

These are ordinary wishes, but for various reasons, I feel that I don't match up to my peers in these areas. I don't have an established career, or own a house; I am not married, I have no children. You can end up feeling gloomy about this, about this comparing. In the end, though, you don't have to compare.


But then, I am different. I was once like anyone else, then I found myself outside of normality, and  my whole mental life and personality and way of relating to the world and to other people has been different since - but it's becoming more normal. From being vastly delusional, I now have only a few discreetly held (but major) unusual beliefs about reality. From being very withdrawn, I can now pass for shy, yet courteous. From being very reluctant to speak, I am now someone who can seem normal in conversation. I still feel different, in terms of my confidence levels, and general state of relaxation. And I can't claim to be as externally successful as others my age. And I carry a diagnosis of mental illness that I feel can set me apart from many people. But I value where I've come from and the strength I've gained, and I believe I have something to contribute for being out of normality, and that those gifts will emerge when I'm ready.

Life on the outskirts, but coming back in; and becoming better able to relate to people.

Madness: How Do You React?

My world-view is very spiritual. I am a very spiritual person in my thinking, and I feel close to God. I have a firm belief in the persistence of Life after physical expiration (I believe there is a Heaven). I have had numerous experiences of Divinity and perceptions of Divine power, so my belief in God is also strong. I have certain experiences I label as paranormal, within a spiritual framework. But what if you call all this madness? What if, for you, there is no 'sixth sense'?


Being on the receiving end of such pronouncements, I can tell you that the response to my beliefs that discredits them as madness and irrational creates division, and seems to be a breeding ground for disrespect. My question here is this: is there a way of disagreeing with someone, of being skeptical of what they say, that does not create a division or disrespect that person? With madness, there is an accentuating of the personal difference that exists between us all; the mad person is not just unique, but different in mentality, and in a way that requires more effort than usual to be harmonious with them.


In the UK, a long time ago, it used to be that people deemed insane were not allowed to vote - they were a kind of lesser person. It was the same for women and criminals too! That's just a point about how we see the insane, and where we have come from.

It used to be that what I believed made no sense, and now, even though I can display a clear system of belief, and quote authorities, I feel some near to me are more than skeptical of what I say. There's a distance there, presumably in the fear of madness (which itself can be seen to be rooted in the fear of the incomprehensible violence that psychotically deluded people sometimes commit).


There's something strange in being told that what you are thinking is wrong. It can be a confrontational moment, and a moment of discomfort or exclusion.

It must be that nurses in psychiatric wards are adept in responding to delusional beliefs, responding not just with compassion, but with humour, and with care. I think this is ideal. If you think I'm mad, please hold the thought gently - because I'd rather not be distanced by that.


There must be a better way of disagreeing with someone and telling them that they are seeing things fundamentally wrongly, than by making them feel stupid or strange - without degrading them.

Everyone has different ways of responding to difference, whether rigid or flexible. Are you a tolerant person? How do you respond to human diversity? Are you open-minded? Can you engage with me emotionally and be gentle when you state that I am misled in my thinking? Or do you have no time for people who are ill, do you effectively disrespect the insane as 'lesser people'?

_______

My world-view, concerning my health, begins with an invitation to believe in the spiritual, and continues into a description of the paranormal; the consideration of the reality of an extra-sensory, spiritual dimension to Life is important in meeting me intellectually. Spirituality, it seems to me, is very much a cultural issue, - it is not a dimension of experience readily believed in my part of the world culture... Where are the spiritual psychiatrists I can discuss my condition with? The condition goes like this:

1. Life on Earth
2. God
3. soul
4. Afterlife
5. Heaven
6. 'Unascended' people in spirit
7. Harmful mental interactions with unascended people in spirit

There is only one way to know about an extra-sensory, spiritual dimension to Life... and that is through extra-sensory perception. More correctly, we can also know the spiritual  through books, which report others' extra-sensory experiences. I look forward to developments within psychiatry that have respect for people with spiritual beliefs, not treating them as 'lesser people'...

In the mean time, I repeat, if you think my perceptions are false, and my beliefs are erroneous, please hold that thought gently, because I am, after all, still your dignified human brother.

Question On My Condition: Am I Still Schizophrenic?

When I was telling my story to the healer two days ago, an interesting point was raised. Although I was attempting to say that my schizophrenic symptoms had gone away, I still had that second full breakdown  two years ago. Unfortunately, my memories of it now are fading. This is what I think happened.

1. I remember thinking two months in advance that I had a special connection with someone and was 'channeling' information. I think a lot of that was 'woolly', now.
2. On the day the breakdown started, I went to the bank and had a personal meeting with a manager, during which I laughed and laughed and laughed, for no apparent reason; I was just undergoing some kind of hysteria. I then went home and collapsed, more or less, lying on the floor in my living room, before going to bed.
3. I stayed in bed for about two weeks, during which time I stopped taking my medicine; since I  felt very well., I was happy and thought I didn't need my medicine. However I soon started to have perceptual disturbances (thinking my body very small/large), and hallucinating, thinking an apocalypse was going on outside.
4. I then turned into the full breakdown, frightening fears and hallucinations and delusions.

The point is, that retelling my story, I had missed out the first step listed above. My version of the story in my mind had always been that I had a breakdown from stress, then stopped taking my medicine by happenstance, felt fine, stayed off it, and got ill without realising. But why was I already showing signs of being ill? I remember feeling kind of light-headed, like a type of mania - why was that happening? I was going through a lot of stress, to do with work; somehow this must have broken through the capability of the medicine I was on - yet I also feel that the medicine was ceasing to work for me, like a kind of toxic reaction? I don't know. Why did I start to get 'unhinged' a few months before I collapsed from mental exhaustion?

Although I have been otherwise stable and without symptoms except for apparent paranormal sensitivity and mental disturbance, it seems I am still susceptible to full schizophrenic symptoms, given sufficient stress. That complicates matters. Rather than being someone who has come through schizophrenia, I am someone who will always be at risk of a schizophrenic breakdown.

PS This is a big deal for me, that I apparently could be subject to further breakdowns. I had looked on the second break I have had as a freak occurrence, forgetting that I was already "going off the rails" a little... I need to think about this, and analyse it to find the truth of it. It's unsettling to realise that I was wrong and am potentially still in danger of further illness, and should remain on medication (contrary to my preferences). It may be that I can live a normal life without medicine, but will always be in danger of another breakdown from stress - but that's true on medicine or off it, stress is a universal danger for people who have schizophrenia.

Thanks for reading.

Short Post On Lifestyle When Suffering Mental Ill Health

Just like you would think that someone 'cast away' on a desert island might go mad from loneliness and despair, if they weren't careful, you should expect that someone who could be much more active outside the home and interact more with others socially may become depressed, may sit at home and start wondering about the meaning of life in a very despairing way.

Solitude and inactivity may likely breed depression - that's something to remember. Open up windows on the world.

PS: Afterthought: the solitude and low level of interaction with the world, being at home all the time, may mean you are starved of meaningful activity and suffer through a low level of variety in your life - and you may not exactly notice the cause, either. "Variety is the spice of Life," they say, and that rings true.

This is a post drawing insight from my own life, because my social circle is small and not local to me, and I am officially unemployed... It's a little dangerous- you end up wondering what to do with yourself, getting bored, not having any ideas of what to do, feeling lonely, even feeling unworthy of connection with others.

It's better to be conscious of the emotional risks of this lifestyle.

Don't Stress On It: Metaphysics and Manifestation: Daring Religious Reflections

Don't Stress On It

                                                                 _________________


Metaphysics and Manifestation:

Imagine that we live in an endless 'soup' of possibilities that respond to our thoughts and feelings. Our thoughts and feelings give us a certain vibration that attracts back to us outside the mind a reality equivalent with the vibration our free minds emit. Experience is changeable and 'plastic'. When we purify our minds and marshal our thoughts, miracles happen.




                                                                _________________

Causes

Yesterday I was wondering about the causes of my troubles - where the misfortune came from and why I am the subject of a spirit vendetta.

Then I came to the conclusion that I should not be overly concerned about causes. My mental scenario began before I learned of the spiritual teachings about manifestation, - that is, about personal creativity as an experiencing member of the Divine Body.
There are two principle modes of personal creation: unconscious direction of the manifestation of one's experience, and conscious manifestation of experience. Conscious manifestation requires the right understanding and the application of it through careful cultivation of one's mental self. There is much literature to be found detailing this process.

It requires clarity, passion, persistence and faith to manifest a desired condition purely from thought force. I have not done it yet, but see it as a worthy goal; Neale Donald Walsch's God implies that it is a major goal of life for an individual to know themselves as creative. [In my perspective, I agree, we can be creators; if you are wondering how it is that we have God's power, think about this: God made us, so we are divine because our origin is in God, though God is Divine (capital D, always having greater power and glory).]


My point here is that all the paranormal trouble began before I took care over every thought (a habit which manifests good fortune), so it's not something to worry about, all this is a consequence of normal ignorance, and ignorance of the importance of a mind of love, rather than a mind of fear or resentment.



Love

So many sources say that Life is all about Love.

- That can be a wildly different perspective to the perspective our culture may hold, at least commonly (religions often teach that Life is about love or righteousness - the good deed, the righteous deed, is full of love). The message of Love is the message that resounds within our hearts and brings us peace and comfort.



The New Testament of the followers of Jesus of Nazareth called the Messiah [full title!] says that

"Deus caritas est : et qui manet in caritate, in Deo manet, et Deus in eo;"

                          ...that is: "God is love: and who lives in Love, lives in God, and God lives in them." (Again, the implication is that love is 'Godliness', or 'righteousness').

Likewise, the New Testament says that "Perfect Love casteth out fear."


Neale Donald Walsch's God says Life as we know it is based around two polarities, Love and fear, of which fear is ultimately an illusion that permits Creation to be [Imagine! Fear is just an illusion! The implication of this is that truly, love is all there is and so everything is perfect], and that at the Highest level, all blends into One and there is only Love.
So when I was younger and unknowing and was very afraid or very unloving, I brought to myself a frightening reality and a reality without a strong awareness of love. And that's Okay. I was creating, I just didn't know it. Now I know it in fact, and seek to express in reality that fact, that I am made a creator, in God's image and likeness, sharing in God's power, living in Love, and living in God.

Healer Trip

Am having a crisis of confidence in the healer I have chosen to help me, (there will be a session next week).

Yes she is named as a top healer by a piece of publicity.

Yes she has trained in the shamanic tradition.


But is she a true shaman?

• Does she work with good spirit-people who can help heal my energy?
• Will she be powerful and effective enough to cause many positive changes for me?

I had been looking at a list of shamanic practitioners in the UK, and it made me compare her with them, to the effect that she seemed professionally weaker.
She is accredited by testimonials, she seems knowing and sincere, but I'm not sure I trust her methods, from what I read in an account of a session she did. We'll see.
I don't know, maybe she will turn out to be an extremely powerful personality, who can give me healing effects and not just a (quite expensive) healing routine. Trip all booked and paid for...

Straight From The Horse's Mouth: On Spiritual Safety

Margaret West ends her post on spiritual possession (found at the Blog "Connecting With Spirit") in this way:

"It is important if we become awoken to spirit that we learn how to protect and shut ourselves down properly to avoid this conflict that might occur."

• She means by ' this conflict', "conflicted relations with the world of spirit"
• She means by 'awoken to spirit', "an important awakening that leaves us sensitive to spiritual phenomena".
• She means by 'protect and shut ourselves down properly', that we should take care of our auras. I read elsewhere that this is our side of the deal with Heaven for keeping us safe - if we look after our auras, they will do everything else possible to keep us safe. I have written elsewhere (the post "Spiritual Solutions To Attack: A Summary" of 23/11/2010) that we can protect ourselves by visualising ourselves filled with light (bright, healing light) and by closing down our auras after spiritual activity (closing the 'chakras'). There is much literature online giving instruction on how to look after your aura. It is a widely recommended practice for those who are spiritually awake or engaging in spiritual practices such as meditation. Time to get yourself an education if spiritual safety concerns you!

Three last things:

1. You have a 'biofield', an aura of energy around your body.
2. The aura is the interface operating when you are caused spiritual disturbance.
3. You can help yourself be happy and spiritually safe by managing the health of your aura with certain techniques.

A really good book on aura care is "Chakra Clearing: Awakening Your Spiritual Power To Know And Heal", by Doreen Virtue Ph.D.

An edition of this book comes with a CD with a guided chakra clearing process on it for morning and evening use, read by Dr. Virtue. The guided visualisation means you are walked through filling your chakras with light and closing them down appropriately at the end of the day. A highly recommended book on this subject!

Moving On: I Will Be Seeing A Trained Shamanic Healer. [Very Important Post! Read This Beauty...]

Next week I will be seeing a prestigious shamanka (female shaman) from London. Wish me luck! I will report back on the results; it's bound to bear fruit for me.

I am doing what I was told to do by the world of spirit - "Seek shamanic help", I was told when praying for help one day.


Traditionally, (according to Wikipedia), the shaman or shamanka is a healer and a mediator with the world of spirit.




PS I read yesterday that in the old days of the New Testament, the language for "oppressed by a devil" and "possessed by a devil" was the same - they used the same word for it, for someone sufficiently under the power of a malicious spirit to be oppressed by such a being. The sensation of control/possession is twofold: the feeling that the spirit has a 'lock' on me the way fighter planes can do with each other; the ability the spirits have to pressure my thinking one way or another. I wonder if the first control, the sense of being connected is to do with something happening outside the aura, like the spirit is influencing me through the aura; last night I projected my influence outside my aura space, banishing the spirit in the name of Jesus, and it seemed to clarify things, my mind felt noticeably lighter. Anyway, I'm sure this sounds confusing! I'm still just an amateur in my knowledge and special safety techniques. However I had read about overshadowing just prior to these new ideas on safety: is this a case of overshadowing that the spirit who is oppressing me can influence my thoughts? I had read, "Overshadowing is where spirit wrap themselves around the medium's aura in order to impress their thoughts and personality." (my underlining) [See Sarah Tyler-Walters' Website Voices of Spirit]. Usually this happens in a controlled way by experienced mediums surrendering themselves to the spirit world for a purpose, but what if it is a forced happening? The website says that such things cannot happen without permission, but I doubt this. Back to the safety tips, I had the sense that the top of my aura had some heaviness around it - heavy emotion and a heavy feeling too - is this how the spirit 'attacker' makes himself known? As I said, it seemed to work to direct flame-bright light in large quantities and use the name of Jesus to discourage the presence and influence of the spirit.

[↓Read This Bit ↓]

OMG Excuse me for 'shouting' and swearing at the same time, I have just found a blog entry at http://magsx.blogspot.com/ called Spiritual Possession that backs up what has been said here on this post and on this blog. Take note that she says people with schizophrenia were once thought to be possessed with a devil (ie also oppressed by 'devils', see above part of this Post Script).
First quote from her post:
"However I do need to add it is possible, to those who are spiritually aware, to experience a mild to quite severe spiritual attacks or unnerving experiences carried out on them by a spirit who is either cloaked in their own darkness (hell of their own making) or they are lost souls seeking help. These can be malignant spirit people and are often themselves in a confused and disturbed state of mind."
Second quote from her post:
"In the worst case scenario, vulnerable people can be over shadowed by a spirit person giving the feeling they are being Demonic Possessed, this is however very rare. Demonic possession to all intents and purposes is the ability for a bad spirit to have an effect on an individuals mind. This can vary from mild sensations to a spirit being able to over shadow to the extent of taking control of the mind for a time, but not the body."

Third quote from her post on afterlife transition and earthbound spirits:
"I know a lot of people believe that when you pass into the next world you go into a beautiful light. That is mostly true. But some don’t. Usually those who feel that they have unfinished business or are not at peace enough to let their earthly ties go. Sometimes spirit people get stranded because they died very traumatically and on a very rare occasion, they don’t fully realise that they have died."
These quotes were from Margaret West's blog; she is apparently a fully proficient psychic medium specialising in trance - someone who "knows"!

Phew. This is immensely important for me. I put into words what I think is happening to me and then find someone else's expert testimony supporting everything I've gone through. I left her this comment:

• Hi, You don't know how helpful that post was in validating my experience!
  
  I have had painful intrusion into my mind every day for ten years. I have come through schizophrenia after excessive use of cannabis and now am left with this remaining condition - that the doc calls psychosis (because he absolutely claims that there is no sixth sense).
  
  Thank you so much for this. You don't know what it means! I have written a hundred or so posts on my blog describing and defending what happens to me, as well as offering tips for anyone else in this "very rare" position you describe, of harmful overshadowing. I am seeing someone next week who may be able to help me (shamanic tradition).
  
  
  
  Thank you so much. I will be following your blog!
  
  
  
  Yours anonymously,
  
  
  
  Mr S
  

Wow. Thank you Margaret. That's Margaret West's Blog, Connecting With Spirit. Follow her blog!

Guess I officially have to look into 'overshadowing' now.





PPS I also read something which makes it look like I have been making a mistake in my terminology: that there is a difference in meaning between the terms 'psychic' and 'medium':

• a person who is psychic is sensitive to energies around people and places
• a person who is mediumistic can make contact with celestial beings at will for information.

I guess I'm between the two, being psychically sensitive and able to hear the voice of Heaven and spirits stuck on Earth, although I don't have full interaction with my guide so as to be able to get any information at will like TV mediums do.

A Spiritual Truth I Found That Helps Me Understand My History

"Every tragedy of the human experience can be attributed to one human decision - the decision to withdraw from each other."

The above is a quote from Neale Donald Walsch I came across on the web - that's to say, it's very probably a quote from God, via Neale Donald Walsch, because that's what they do. Mr Walsch has shared his inspirations in the books Conversations With God (in three volumes) and in other books since they were published. these books are one of a kind; I found them deeply informative, and comforting, even amusing - they're great! But if you are new to these books, they will require you recalibrate your awareness of the Divine, because they are different to other sources of spiritual information. You will have to be more expansive in outlook, because the God that came to Neale Donald Walsch one night in conversation to help him is everybody's God, not the God of this or that religion. Recommended reading, just on a 'life' basis, rather than schizophrenia-basis, - but certainly the books Mr Walsch has produced will help everyone feel more comfortable.

So. What did you read all that for? Now to the real point of the post! Re-read the quotation. Tragedy in our lives is always due to one decision, that is the decision to withdraw from each other. Wow. this is an especially poignant idea for people with schizophrenia, for whom social withdrawal is a key element (though perhaps sidelined element) as people with health issues. It goes beyond health issues, it is a social issue. A person connecting is a happy person and an active person. A person who hides themselves does so because it makes loneliness easier, because of their pain. I know I have been accustomed to an inner alarm of pain and panic when outside the home or near strangers, even when near family friends. I liken the social side of my condition to the ability to fly: you get injured, you forget how to fly, and meanwhile all the confident fliers around you are wondering what's wrong with you. I'm sure you can identify with that, if you are reading from the perspective of someone with schizophrenia.

What's wrong with us, then? What is the key injury? Perhaps for everyone this serious root of all problems is different. Looking back, I was really helped by this spiritual or metaphysical truth quoted above. Question: as social beings, can a serious illness like schizophrenia be put down to the moment when we withdraw, or begin to withdraw from others? Looking back, I can remember the exact day when the illness and withdrawal began - that seems to corroborate the statement that heads this post.

I was thinking, well, the first person I withdrew from was my 'love' at the time, a person I was very close to, and the withdrawal was purely of speech, I stopped speaking and confiding. Then I went on to become very socially withdrawn, isolating myself physically; at this stage I had 'forgotten how to fly' socially - gone was any sense of affableness, that gels social gatherings, I was awkwardly on the sidelines, and strangely silent. Next was the internal withdrawal. I retreated into my mind, to the centre of a place of pain, having terrible hallucinations and comforting myself with the presence of something that ironically was also hurting me and was my downfall - the intoxicant cannabis.

Back to the first moments of withdrawal, we find one piece of a two piece puzzle, the second of which only becomes obvious in context.

My first sign of illness and withdrawal was this: I was with my love in her bedroom in a simple communal flat; we decide that I will go out to buy some Coca Cola and other items for a pleasant snack; a  man enters the room and converses with my love in a friendly way, he is very confident in a laidback way, and a single man; while I am away, the real love that dares not speak its name - jealousy- enters my mind, and in a powerful fearful way - is she being unfaithful right this minute with that man, who lives in her neighbouring room?

Jealousy and fear. Irrational. The tendency to be jealous must be a natural weakness of the human mind, in its irrational fear.

Wikipedia describes "morbid jealousy" or "delusional jealousy" as a disorder also nicknamed "Othello syndrome". Wow. I'd never seen this information until I just looked it up to double check that there is a syndrome of thinking called delusional jealousy. Phew. Thinking your lover is having illicit relations with others when going to a public toilet, out of the room, or spending time with your best friend; I even once spent a short time outside her flat watching to see if she would leave after me, late one night. Ironically, the delusions came true, she formed a deep emotional attachment to my best friend, and I discovered them embracing one night in secret - merely embracing, but illicitly. I tried to make her confess, sat her down made her write, tears were coming from her eyes. There was nothing really to confess; he was my faithful friend and would not cross a line - close as brothers, yet we broke off contact soon after. I was mad. mad with jealousy, sometimes utterly heart-rended. My later withdrawal could have been a kind of emotional exhaustion, from all this.

This delusional jealousy is a pitiful state, truly inhabiting the ghost of Othello in all its drama and tragedy. My downfall - delusional jealousy. But hold one, didn't we say that cannabis was my downfall? This is that other piece of the puzzle, clearly. Illness onset with intense use of cannabis, and proceeded to take root and grow through yet further intense use of the illegal drug. It can only be that prior to this initial experience of jealousy was a quiet unhinging of my mentality, a loosening of the screws that would deny me the capacity to limit and disregard jealous thinking, or allow me to be afraid of infidelity in that situation in the first place.

I suppose it is natural for love to trust, and very natural for strong love not to question, even when suspicious - thus I remained silent. And more and more silent, not expressing myself at all. That's a kind of silence, that once overt in tantrums-without-explanation, is very injurious,  that must have caused a pain of similar proportions in the one I loved. But really, this episode gave me peaks of emotion almost unrivalled, except by thinking my father had been murdered, later on during that initial full breakdown that was to come with further cannabis abuse and isolation. But I'm still here.

So what about withdrawal? It first came in the withdrawal of verbal communication in not expressing my fears, - the suspiciousness, the jealousy. It then came in the withdrawal of my social abilities, I suppose as I became different in my mind and lost normality; it was like I had lost all 'presence' all powerfulness when in a social scene - physically I was withdrawn, shoulders huddled up, looking down, looking around with shyness, not able to think fast enough to contribute speech to conversations - and interested in other things through delusion maybe, through new religious fervour that had spontaneously begun with cannabis use. Then finally I withdrew inside, pushed the boat out; now I was ready to not talk, to not talk to others in 'social' settings - and even not talk when spoken to. Later my silence would infuriate my father, who misunderstood it as an offense.

Love, innocence of danger, cannabis use, subtle derangement, delusional jealousy, SILENCE, withdrawal, full madness.

So perhaps, if the opposite of withdrawal is reunion, then, (for me at least), it begins with a word spoken, with the opening of my mouth spontaneously and bravely to speak in a friendly way.

Remember this: speak up! It's so important! Share your thoughts. It's OK. And forget about being afraid of how others might react.

If the tragedy is withdrawal, then the illness is repaired by speaking and establishing anew meaningful connections with others - which action can seem so hard to someone who has developed a vritual phobia of social contact (the alarm bell in the stomach that alerts to the presence of "people"). What about the internal aspect, the return to the world from within? It must begin with willingness and intent, a full, living and hearty desire to commune and be a member of the Whole in awareness (as well as in fact, which is unchanging), a desire that is fed by thoughts that recognise the Light in the world and the love in society (whatever the health of society might be today).

I guess that's all. And the motto is "Health in Unity" and "Happiness in Unity". Saints say the way to become close to God is to serve humanity, and it is said that we do not know ourselves until we interact with other beings. Not just mother, father, brother, sister; not just beloved dog, cat or horse, (angels though they are, with four feet). Love all people; there is Light within everyone (whatever they say). It's a Divine wish, a wish of God that we love one another, for we are all so special to God.

I read that the Universe reciprocates to this effect: feed others and you will be fed; so if you are 'hungry', Get Up And Feed Another! And be faithful that in that reunion you will find the meaning that restores happiness to you.

Wishing you readiness and willingness to enter into community again, for your full health and happiness,

Mr S

Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds

(Meds = medication)


This was originally going to be a blog about demedicating, about coming off the anti-psychotic major tranquillisers. I believe they are called major tranquillisers. They have been in the newspapers recently as the "chemical cosh" for the elderly demented, as actually causing damage to the brain. I read too that they chiefly serve as an emotional sedative - they dull your feelings; the writer described them as potentially a way of pacifying difficult people for the benefit and ease of society at large. What do I think? I am concerned by the thought of brain damage. I read too that not everyone needs them - some do fine without them, provided, the research said, that they had certain personal strengths before becoming ill, such as independence. Plus there's the 'can of worms' that is the fact that the scientists don't know the brain well at this stage in history and cannot say exactly how the medicine works anyway. Understanding is developing.

I would rather not take medicine.

I have had a setback recently. I have reduced, with medical consent, the dosage of the anti-psychotic, but find that I am 'sleeping round the clock'. The reduction and the sleeping seem to be related, and it's a fairly intolerable state. We'll see what the answer is; I'd rather not increase the dosage again.


I have had a period before, before diagnosis, of being untreated and ill, and things were not so bad. There were no major hallucinations, only some delusions persisting from my dramatic first breakdown. I had got ill from abusing the illegal drug cannabis - once I stopped taking it, I stopped getting hallucinations. Then I took medicine, upon being correctly diagnosed, and this cleared up my delusions relatively quickly. I feel that without medicine, I would be stable ( as I was then), I would feel better and be more alert, and be more creative (yes please), and I would sleep less, and eat less. I think it will surprise everyone in my family. They are doubtful of any of this - to an aggravating extent.

I have got to the stage that I can handle the 'symptoms' I still have well enough - God knows (excuse me), God knows the medicine has not changed the so-called magical persecutory syndrome I have; the medicine has never changed the mental sensations of intrusion and being harassed. I feel that I would be better off without the medicine.

Do I really need the medicine?
I had a problem two years ago. I gradually started to lose a sense of reality, had a breakdown from stress and stopped taking my anti-psychotic medicine and quickly became very ill. Does this mean that without the medicine I am very psychotic, or does it mean that the brain suddenly deprived of a strong medicine to which it has become accustomed rapidly turns psychotic in its activity? I think the latter, and according to one of my doctors, it's what happens when you suddenly stop taking the medicine. You feel great, healthy, happy, then soon decay into a psychotic break. I thought at the time that the medicine was bad for me - when they readministered it in psychiatric hospital, I noticed it caused an increase in distressing thoughts; whatever the truth of that is, the medicine was clearly becoming less effective, one way or another, whether being impeded through my increasing stress or on its own becoming toxic or less effective. Worryingly, it showed me that stress can bring me down - but that's the same for everyone. I am told that no medicine can prevent a break when it's from stress. So what would happen if I was off medicine and had a break from stress? I guess I would become delusional and have hallucinations. That's not good; but I would rather watch my stress levels and not take medicine, for the benefits of being medication-free and because of the health I believe I would have without the medicine.
Actually, my first breakdown happened from cannabis-overuse (and my natural 'allergy' to it); my second breakdown happened from stopping taking the medicine suddenly. Remember, I felt healthy at one stage in the process of stopping taking my medicine suddenly. These are both unusual events; unless I use cannabis again to that degree or stop taking the medicine suddenly, I presume I will be well.

Fortunately all this is my choice. No one is making me take the medicine, and the doctor has approved(grudgingly, but approved) my reduction and cessation of medication. I live in the UK, which, for all the bad press it gets for its foreign policy and actions abroad, is a country with integrity, where no one gets 'disappeared' by the government. There is no death penalty. This is a place that has respect for my human rights, that is leading civilisation in the right direction. I have a vote when it is election time. I have freedom of speech. And I have the right to live without medication for a diagnosed mental illness. Thank God; because I have come to a place of stability and intellectual lucidity that I think allows me to live without anti-psychotic medication.

I'm fairly sure I will continue to suffer without the medication, since there will still be the spiritual reality I deal with. Strange. However, it may well be that in time I reach a point of strength and control that heals my relation to the spiritual reality. Until then, as I said, I can cope with the condition I have. I certainly do not expect that the 'attacking' syndrome will get worse. I expect to feel more powerful as an individual through increased emotional range and depth, to be more normal in my social capacity through feeling more relaxed and having more 'fertility of thought'. These other changes will make life easier, just as they make it better.

A load of conjecture? I don't know for sure what will happen, but I've given an explanation, and I expect that I will remain stable and be happier, on the whole. There have been no mental changes so far, through a halving of the dose of medicine I was on. Let's hope it all works. There will be more updates as things progress.

Rubber Personality

"M a l l e a b l e" would perhaps be a better term than 'rubber', meaning 'easy to mould'. Some people are more suggestible than others - easier to convince, hypnotise, manipulate even; I'm one of them. On the paranormal side, this means I am very sensitive to energies.

I wrote about the need to feel 'in grace', and the feeling of not being in grace. Being in someone's bad books - so much so that it's a chronic problem, manifesting like depression. It's like expressing yourself through a cloud of smog - the real you doesn't get through. You may feel:

• silly
• annoying
• stupid
• down
• submissive
• small
• weak
• hyper

These are personality disturbances I get. I put it down to being 'connected' to people who think strongly about me in certain ways. In ways that are negative.

"I hate you"
- "You don't know me well enough to hate me."

Psychologists among the readership here will understand what's meant by holding an image of someone else that's not accurate, that says more about the first person than the other, that they even attack. I remind you of something you dislike, so you attack me. At the end of the day, you may think I'm different to you in a way that irritates you. In fact, you may be grossly mistaken. In fact, you may, through the metaphysical laws ("Where thought goes, there energy follows") be changing me, be moulding me, be turning me into your personal monster and punchbag.

An ungrounded person is more malleable. An unshielded person is more open to disturbance.

Guess I should ground more. Kneel down, close my eyes and touch the ground reverently, and wish my energy to unify with the earth.
Everyone has a 'grounding cord' coming from the base of their spine that acts as a spiritual overflow, going deep into the earth. Sometimes this cord is not well-grounded; it can be visualised as a six-foot wide 'tree trunk' touching the heartcore of Earth for better energy diffusion and well-being - this is a spiritual technique.

'Shielding' is the effect that comes from visualising your 'aura' as being full of light/Light. It has the natural effect of repelling dark spiritual influences.

My mind is open, not private, and there is an audience there who does not like me, does not trust me, and does not know me, and I find it hard to express my natural dignity and true nature because of that and because of the spiritual attacks I get injuring me and undermining my self-esteem.
The opinion held of me is similar to the thought-force that attacks me, since injuring my self-esteem will make me feel small and weak.
But I try and think good thoughts. The Buddha said that good intentions bear fruit eventually and transform circumstances/ fortune. (And likewise with unloving intention).

Ten years of daily psychic attack. I hope I may be out of it in another ten years. Out of personal verbal abuse, psychological injury and personality oppression.
I don't really remember so well what things were like before this phase of life. Disturbance to my health began when I was eighteen, I'm thirty now, I'm hoping to come through this - I gain mastery all the time, though as if from 'the other end of the rope' - at this end of the rope, there is no change, I am always the focus of the same amount of hostile mental intrusion. But I gradually become more myself, more sociable, more spiritually knowing, more clear in intellect, more able in the external world of actions.


Phew! So my point here is that the mind of thoughts, and personality, are linked and both subject to change - and 'oppression' through psychic influence. This is not just a condition afflicting the thinking life, it affects the expression of my nature through my personality as well.

PS I'd say that most people at present do not know me as I am. I think my dad would have got a shock when he came to visit me after he died and 'saw' who I really am inside. My true self is not introverted but more extraverted, is a fluent speaker (linked to confidence), and like a 'light entertainment TV host'! Maybe that's my future! Watch out for me! I have a hard time expressing that quick-witted, funny, talkative and agreeable side, but it's who I am, it's who I will evolve to reveal myself to be. That's good. I know what it's like to feel healthy. I once saw a shamanic healer who removed all mental duress and restored my feelings of ease and spaciousness and natural warmth of personality. Do you have a feel for who I am? Sadly, running for the bus afterwards, travelling on a busy train and talking to my mother on the phone, combined with a return to accustomed patterns of thinking outside the shaman's presence served to undo these immediate effects of the healing within the course of an afternoon. But I still had that! I still experienced feeling and being healthy in mind! What a miracle. I even heard his helper spirits during the healing (all shamans work with good spirits); they said to me "You who give, you will receive, you shall be well"; - I had been thinking about how I am always giving, primarily through my fending off of the mental influence of hostile spirit-people.

"You shall be well"

You have to remember to have hope sometimes; you have to remember the love of God, and the way it feels to be loved by God; you have to have hope.

Good luck, good health and happiness to you. Or should I say Grace, good vibes, and good spiritual relations to you. It's all about feeling grace and being in harmony with the rest of the cosmos - even with our own selves ultimately, probably.

Signing off,

Yours

Mr S