Spirituality Reality, Schizophrenia Diagnosis and Cultural Norms

Diagnosed with schizophrenia today, the doctor said that she had to think of my relation to spiritual cultural norms when making the diagnosis. Which is funny (!), because she didn't know anything about the spiritual reality, it seemed. She didn't know what "psychic" means.

I think, in my country at least, that non-religious people outnumber those who are active members of religious communities. Of those who do attend religious ceremonies, a smaller percentage will have spiritual awareness of some kind, and a smaller percentage again will have problems from their awareness (such as empathic issues, even ordinary issues of psychic attack) - and then a tiny minority will suffer from demonic possession, ghost attachments and demonic attack/ spiritual attack.

In other words, most people know nothing of this kind of reality painfully raised as a problem here on Diagnosis: Schizophrenia!!!!!!!!!!! It's not a spiritual awareness, ESP or parapsychic community norm! Good luck trying to get many healers to believe you! (I'm sorry, but I've come to the belief that many professional healers are not strong enough to deal with advanced psychic attack like this, not even to recognise it or believe in it often.) Religiously speaking, I believe it would take about seven Christian bishops 'laying their  hands' on me to restore me to health; that's the kind of power required here (guessed going on feel and experience). If I ever recover by myself I'll be as strong as seven bishops...


And here's another post item, but I'll wrap it into this one: ignorance is only a small excuse when it comes to spiritual danger.
I was raised in a religious family, but one without any notion of spiritual techniques for well-being, and consequently, I had no idea of spiritual dangers - like acquiring the attention of transient spirits, like the possibility of over-spiritualisation by drug use, like psychic pollution. Part-knowledge of spirituality was handed to me.
The fact is that we are expected by Heaven and God to look after ourselves in part - we have some responsibility for our psycho-spiritual well-being. This may be as simple as shielding the aura three times daily with white light. We could go on to spiritual grounding, and then on to energy chakra maintenance, depending on our personal need. These subjects are all covered in psychic development, and with luck we can find out for ourselves about these things as and when we need to.

I'm really going on something I read, that each of us is expected to do our bit to maintain our psycho-spiritual well-being, which goes a long way to helping God and Heaven help us. But that's a great thing. At least then we know, and can answer some of our feelings, that it is partly up to us to care for ourselves.

In the first place, ideally, be knowing. In the second place, take care of yourself.



So, I now know about the spiritual dangers of drug-taking (I suppose mainly for sensitive people). And I know that there are methods for generating a positive energy for oneself, and going on from there to purify the self if necessary. I am not helpless, I can help myself.

Here's a theory to leave you with: that some parts of the 'civilised' world, although they are becoming rapidly more spiritual, are lacking in the cultural 'apparatus' (spiritual beliefs and techniques) to always ground the new energy that spirituality brings them, resulting in insanity and spiritual disturbance for some. What do you think?

Paranoid Symptom: Distrusting Others and Feeling Disliked

If you read my recent post called "A Spiritual Truth I Found That Helps Me Understand My History", you will have picked up that I experienced massive quantities of very fearful jealousy, conjuring worst case scenarios into my mind about my then-lover. You will also have read that in her heart she began to love another in the same way she had loved me, and colluded with another in secret; an irony.

This has brought back memories of another fearful delusion and scenario. The feeling you get when you have suspicions that all of the people around you - acquaintances, let's say - secretly do not like you. Do not like you at all. This is a disconcerting feeling, and a very toxic emotional 'environment' for the mind. For me this was a profound and strong feeling. Another irony - in reality it wasn't far from the truth that I was disliked. Acting very strangely, showing up to smoke cannabis but not contributing to the cost of it, isolating myself, and irritating people with my mistaken beliefs. Plus there were clear signs that they feared me, a combination of stereotyping and being afraid seeing me act strangely, not knowing what to do about that. It is not excessive to say that they would have talked conspiratorially about me behind my back, frightened by my illness, laughing perhaps, and disgusted or annoyed by my lack of communal spirit and generosity. So much for that. It's not an excessive idea at all, it's human nature, though not so much on its generous and strong side. These were people who didn't know me at all, and within two days, I was acting strangely, saying things in a  way that wasn't normal, making no sense. These people were mere acquaintances with whom I was an unwelcome but strangely tolerated guest. Once I was thrown out of a room, for talking about God in a strange and charismatic way, fresh from personal religious experiences and full of fervour - and slightly 'unhinged'. Another time, I may have been ignored by my group of associates when I came and knocked on the door to share their cannabis; (I don't know for sure - a gray area, and gray areas are always painful, they are where anxiety grows). Another time I was discluded from a room, on the grounds that the few people in there had serious private business to discuss.
But there were many, many times when we were together and I was kind-of accepted.
Once I was so much in a haze of awareness that I was anxiously trying - and failing  -to discern whether a computer game I was taking my turn to play with in the group was on 'Demo' mode or not - was it? where they playing a trick on me? I even voiced my concerns. That's being way out.
There was never any outright rejection, it was all in my mind. Or was it? Ironically, as I said, I seemed to be somewhat disliked, irritating to very many of them, and very often I sensed little love from them.

My first year at university, having a major schizophrenic breakdown, living in a student apartment block that was built with no aesthetic value [my father said it was 'Kafkaesque', after the bleak, bleak, empty industrial world Franz Kafka pictured in his writing] - and on top of all that using a great amount of a psychoactive drug (that requires a benign 'set and setting'), becoming totally withdrawn and receiving very little warmth of love from those I associated with.

PS In terms of 'set and setting', emotionally the equation "YOU + Psychoactive drug = Trouble," when you  do not feel loved by the people you are around. Esoterically speaking, energetically speaking, "You + Psychoactive drug = Big Trouble" when you feel unloved and anxious - it is dangerous and places you on a slippery slope.

I look back at all this with surprise, having forgotten how bad it was. I think I do a pretty good job of capturing the tone of the scene here. A fairly tragic episode in my life, just from the social aspect. And to think of all the good will I spent on them during my hallucinations!! No gratitude for the ways in which I saved the world for them!!
I had a waking sense of one of them, more of a friend, being killed treacherously - a display of evil. I had another drama play out in my mind of another person, also more of a friend (to my mind an angel on Earth, a friend and guardian) being killed fighting - although I tried to 'help' him from a distance, in my mind.

There were many 'deaths' in those few months. I have revealed some horrible ideas; I'm sorry for any distress caused; but maybe you can identify with what I went through, so much. But, and it's a big 'but', you 'wake' up from hallucination and it's not real anymore, just strange painful memories left - this is good fortune, that it is not objectively real. I could cycle away from home, think my father had been killed, go home and find him happily tending to the garden. [My father 'died' several times! Maybe that was why it was not so hard when he passed on for real, through already having gone through it and been well and truly burnt out in it. - That's worth another post, - my near-totally 'griefless' emotionality I have these days].

Look back a few paragraphs and you will see that I regarded at least a couple of those individuals as friends. they showed me some kindness and warmth, one helped to rescue me somewhat from the ongoing process of withdrawal, by talking to me in public as if there was nothing strange about me. In truth, I did receive kindness and respect here and there, and I'm grateful for it; but also there was dislike from some others; one person defended my honour once. There was community but also an empty space between people. I didn't connect with any of the others in a way that I would recognise as a close friendship that made me truly happy.

Think I am muddying the waters! Did they like me, or didn't they? Yes, no, no more than yes, and in my mind they often unsettlingly did not like me.
I've seen this paranoia, from cannabis use, twice. When I became jealous, that lover also synchronously became distrustful of me, distrusting my intentions at a basic level; it was clear to me that she did not feel psychologically safe, that she did not trust my intentions, and there was nothing I could do to stop her. That was hard. It was plainly written across her face. Speaking to her, her mind was flooded with fear, in small ways that I suppose she thought were hidden. She had just come from an intensely difficult relationship, and presumably she still bore some injury that turned into full-blown delusional distrust.
The second instance of this cannabis distrust that I have witnessed was when, years later, I felt drawn to take cannabis again, and did so on one occasion; the set and setting were wrong for my friend. For me I was able to detach from mental disturbance, and this was refreshing and relaxing. [I have to state that I will never take cannabis again]. My friend grow obviously anxious, and voiced concerns about not trusting someone who had come into the room. There was a busy party going on in her house, and the door to the room we were in was open! Not exactly conducive to a relaxing change in reality. I could tell - it was obvious - that she fundamentally distrusted the person who had come in, someone who appeared to all the world to be friendly, her familiar housemate. I recognised at once her thought processes from outward signs. She fundamentally distrusted this person's emotions, who as I said was showing friendliness. Rather, should I say, she distrusted the intention of the person, the intention behind their emotion. In short, she thought they were lying, deceiving her in their behaviours in the most sinister way. That's basically cannabis paranoia, and it is very unpleasant, distressing, and can be an ongoing condition of perception. You end up a nervous wreck from it, shaking in shock from the horror of the emotions apparently being expressed.

Terrible distrust. You need a hug. You need to lie down and have a good sleep, wake up and be taken care of, take a bath and be given breakfast and kissed simply on the side of your face, you need to be returned to healthy feeling.

Imagine not trusting ordinary love! How terrible. And wearing. A virus in your emotions, turning all the world into a foreign, dangerous place. Combine this with social withdrawal, and you get a flash of the reality of how the person with schizophrenia perceives in their waking reality, you begin to understand how a person can be closed down in fear to the world, become very 'shy' and reclusive, suffering phobic levels of discomfort near others. The feelings have had enough! They condition you to avoid society. After all, who needs that level of psychological battery? We don't prosper in unloving environments, it's not good for us. Like the (poor) monkey scientists removed from its mother in early infancy, that then grew up to be terribly anxious and fearful, - withdrawn. Love is good for us. Spread the love. Awaken hearts, awaken your hearts, help others keep their heads above water and not go through this, - it's good for everyone when one is saved.



(I repeat:)

Love is good for us. Spread the love. Awaken hearts, awaken your heart, help others keep their heads above water and not go through this, - it's good for everyone when one is saved.

Sharing In the Real World

:( My family are pitiful-skeptical towards a lot of what I report of my paranormality, I think quietly taking it as "real for me" but not objectively accurate. I know why - they have heard me speaking of delusions in the past, so much that they have been conditioned by it, - once bitten, twice shy.

So much for the :( part.

I would like to have a close friend / partner, but I am not ready yet on an intellectual level. It is not contained. I have not reached a satisfying level of clarity about things. Maybe I'm getting there! This posting here really helps. I feel if I tried to explain things, I'd fail, or confuse, or worse suck a person into a deluded, frightened state. Worse still, try and explain a paranormal spiritual reality to an atheist! ['Atheist' is not a swear word; it's just that they would think me wildly insane... Ha ha! That's an irony. And not a nice feeling.]

There are things then I can't talk about or can't explain, and there are barriers of understanding that would prevent a 'non-believer' from getting close to me.

Just like it would be an admirable stretch for an atheist to truly respect me, the potential friend would have to be big-hearted enough to respect some bearing the diagnosis of having schizophrenia - and to trust them too. there's that old stereotype/ conundrum that everyone who has schizophrenia is supposed to spend their free time sharpening axes for personal use... Sorry, that is an example of a bad joke, in fact, because people commit murders - (that doesn't stop it from being made into films and TV shows for our 'entertainment' though). Rewind: people with schizophrenia have an enormous public image problem, because they are thought to be firstly probably violent and as a close second, of course, potential murderers. And check the facts and you see that we are a less violent minority, that you have in illness as someone with schizophrenia the same propensity to violence as when you were healthy.
The special person therefore would have to have a compassionate, loving stance towards the person with schizophrenia, and understand that this is a person with a profound mental illness that causes them to suffer - just not to be unnecessarily afraid of them.

Let's hope.

Wishing you all good,


Mr S

Mr. S' Anonymity

Mr. S chooses anonymity in writing his blog because - well, can you guess? It's because he's afraid of people who know him finding out he's ill, should they Google his name and find the blog... but more than that, it's also because he does not wish others to think him crazy - when they read his opinions, that is.

These are fairly secret beliefs of mine, when it comes to telepathy and 'evil' spirits (evil-behaving spirits), and I'm aware that they are so far out of most people's lives as to be seen as frankly insane and not entertained, especially as I'm diagnosed with schizophrenia. (Once more, I don't deny that I have had schizophrenic symptoms, I just also think there is this unusual 'supernatural' aspect to what I go through as well).

And why not be anonymous, if I can? I'd rather publish my beliefs, that's enough. It's my choice, given what I expect would be a negative reaction to the blog. It's not just the general phobias about people with schizophrenia being all of them dangerous, it's the way we tend to see each other and grant each other respect based on judgements, as well.

It's one thing saying you have schizophrenia when you are able to behave quite normally, like I do, it's another talking about your worldview when it's... like mine.

Three aspects to my situation: frequent daily suffering, supposedly caused by real external forces, and occasional (ie twice) slipping into hallucination and delusion. Medicine has successfully removed delusions and prevents me from having hallucinatory breakdowns, but does not remove the other so-called delusions and hallucinations, the ones I claim are real, ie the interactions with etheric life.

I hear ghosts! Is that so hard to believe? PS ...and also friendly spirits. And, most of all, I am open to persecution by lower spirits.

I wonder (again) what any spiritualists would make of this.