Drawings

It seems that my drawings page is very popular! Even more popular than my highest ranking post, by far!

I had three drawings on the drawings page, and have now added a further seven. I noticed that on Google, an image search for "schizophrenia drawings" is very popular. It was a nice feling to se my pictures down around page 23! Wow. It makes you feel valued. Nice.

The drawings I just put up are mostly from my initial breakdown 10 years ago. And they do suggest a little bit what it was like. But I see them as being very creative, and they are very special for me, as I had never done anything like that before. I think they are good.
At that time I was unmedicated, and unknown to the health services, very very delusional, hallucinating and suffering. But still enjoying drawing. It was something I really enojyed - but the initial outpouring of creativity ran dry after a while - I guess I exhausted it (probably due to drug use). Within a couple of years however, I was drawing again as a form of enjoyment or relaxation, with a similar artistic vision, but less creative energy, under the calming, clarifying effect of medication.

Well if you are interested, take a look at the drawings page. Enjoy!

Consequences: Why I Am Where I am

I asked myself today, what are the causes that lead to the consequences of my being psychotic and experiencing psychic attack?

The simple answer: it was using cannabis, without understanding or initiation.

I was not prepared for the potential of cannabis to cause fearful anxiety, nor for its potential to induce spiritual experiences. Both of those factors resulted in a downfall for me, as I became terribly anxious, then withdrawn, delusional and had hallucinations as the fear increased; I also opened up spiritual sensitivity - both to God and to the spirit reality. 

Cannabis can actually be a mystical aid in its spiritualising properties, and the possibilities of spiritual opening are best prepared for with some kind if teaching, to prevent paranoia and to ground a person to avoid sudden change of personality and outlook. 

As for attracting spirit attack, this could have come about through the general toxic mindset I had at the time of breakdown, being full of fear and having perceptions of evil and horrible hallucinations, and because spirits from realms of less Divine Light awareness can be drawn to those on Earth whose inner light is blossoming through spiritual awakening [I read recently that spirits can be drawn to those who are spiritually awakening].

This was supposed to be a simple post! I was just going to write that I got into this difficulty through using cannabis without knowing what it could do.

My Story Part II: Poem

Here's a poem I wrote about my first breakdown. It's from a collection that I am about to have privately printed for family and friends.





Psychosis Episode 1


The Earth shook

I heard the sky speak

I faced a shadow army

Many voices chanted holy Name

A wraith appeared and saved me from murderers

I walked tall like an angel

I was an angel

I saw the sky turn Paradise purple

I was an Adam

I heard the hearts of mountains breaking at the End





There's something special about these experiences. Grand auditory hallucinations - hearing booming voices in the sky, feeling like the First Human, sensing mountains to be alive and their hearts breaking as the very End of the World sternly approaches. There's something special about such things that are valuable - unlike other unenviable schizophrenia-induced circumstances which are dark, almost too dark too mention in detail. I made the above list of experiences exulting in the grandeur of them, but I'd rather not write about their companions - getting up close and personal with the powerful essence of evil, or reliving numerous moments in which I thought my family to be in grave peril or dying.