Change of Heart

Looking back through some old posts - I have been writing now for over ten years, which 'plots' a journey and is a good achievement - I notice a habit in my writing about the voices.


I was just reading in a book about the power of love to change lives, and about how love "does not judge or criticise." I have been heavily critical of the voices.

We have different ways of speaking about the same thing - we can be angry or generous, angry or patient, angry or kind. I would say anger is not itself an evil, it serves a purpose, but I read of it being called the poison of the world! That is, the first thing to look at and change in ourselves.

What do you call these voices? Given that spiritual scientists say it is possible to have intrusive spirit entities with us, and it is possible that these can influence our minds and being and be heard as interior voices. Given that the voice hearing experience can be based in reality, what do we call them? Naming can be a shaming and a cause of conflict - that's an archetypal human issue. We have options.

Secondly, how do you talk further in describing these voices? Mine are problematic to me, I find they are often opposing my wellbeing and sabotaging my mental strength. How do I describe them in themselves? They seem to come from a lower place than myself (or anyone I know) and are rarely in great calm and stability and normal generosity. As soon as you fix a description of someone, it is creative and begins to call forth a repetition of the pattern of its qualities. It matters what words you use to describe. If you hold a high thought, it creates a high reality in response - that's metaphysical truth of how the universe works. You can think high thoughts about the voice-beings - or about anyone.

I have been responding with criticism. Basically, getting angry with them for being harsh to me, from a place of expectation that they should understand to treat others better, just as I understand. Sometimes or quite often, when they choose their routine of deliberate hurting, I might get angry and use language choices that are harsh though seemingly appropriate to describe them. This is criticism that is not very helpful, effectively giving them back like for like (returning harshness). Praise heals a person and a relationship. It is actually going to save a situation and bring in change to look for ways to praise and leave off from criticising. Because what is happening? It is merely a moment where you have the moral high ground; in another moment, you probably might not be in the right. The idea of fairness driving the criticism I would call a kind of illusion.

You have to be very careful, I think, not to denigrate when you are angered by another, and not to label them when they do something repeatedly, because it perpetuates trouble and division and suffering. Good words change the world. That's not a new idea: I was reading about the two millennia old religion we call Zoroastrianism that has the motto to live by "Good thoughts, good words, good deeds" as a path of closeness to God.

I have to find ways to bring in peace, and I don't do that by choosing more dramatic language, more condemning language or more disrespectful language, neither do I do it by staying in what is quite volatile anger and emotion of disgust. Instead, I could be feeling patience, generosity, kindness. There are 'keys' to do this, for example the one I noticed about expectation - you can't expect everyone to have perfect moral understanding in every case (which is doing good without thought of reward and also neither doing deliberate harm nor retaliating to harms).

I understand better just recently about forgiveness and the humility it involves and how I can forgive.

Part of the problem is the Problem of Rest. If you can't move away from a social/ego threat you get worn down. It is a problem of spaciousness, having voices as I do, they are always there! People require conscious rest like they require air, food, water and love. My voices can be unloving. If I don't rest enough, which easily happens, eventually I will be unloving back. I will find a way to verbally retaliate or even intimidate somehow or criticise. This is not unique and personal to me, it is standard for anyone who does not have perfect power and control for some reason. Maybe you saw the behaviour at some stage growing up and took it on; maybe you are tired or hurt; maybe you have not reached maturity in years; maybe you didn't grow up in a utopia! I can give myself grace for that behaviour, though I would like to change it.

Recently I found that I can use ambient noise (a loud water fountain) and at the same time some quite loud music (music that is more 'neutral') and I can meditate with all that noise and get into some conscious restfulness and recharge myself. It helps because the sound is loud and more ambient. Still it's an effort to meditate and I don't like to do it every day. This method mostly stops me from hearing the interior voices, and then the mind naturally heals up a bit, which is great! Maybe you readers out there in Internetland with difficult interior voices could try this.

These days I don't call the ones talking into my brain 'devils' or demons or damned or infernal, I don't like to label them as wicked. I think those are old terms based on superstition and not psychologically literate. The ones I have known are not actual demonic beings at all, but human beings awaiting transformation by Divine Love.
I have read of them being called lower spirits, which can be useful, but even that can sound derogatory. I would advise against labelling them negative or hostile. I could call them "entities" - a common term for "uninvited auric residents" among spiritual healers - but it sounds too impersonal as they are still spirits of human beings (the ones I have had). I keep a journal, and when I write about them, I have been making myself call them venerable, out of new understanding and to bring balance. Venerable spirits! After the Buddhist tradition of seeing all life as venerable. You can. I am reschooling myself not to retaliate - part of that involves respect.

It is worth closing with a Buddhist teaching "The Five Methods for Removing Annoyance". This shares how we can hold goodwill, compassion and 'onlooking equanimity' towards those who might annoy us, while ignoring them where possible and affirming that the venerable being in question has responsibility for the effects of their choices. Doing all that we come from a high level. I have been helped a lot by this.


I hope you have benefited from this post. I am growing and beginning to see better ways of relating to the human beings I am aware of in Spirit. I see now that love is part of the release process; I think anything other than love will only bind you closer.

Wrath! New Psychiatrist, Diagnosis and Clozapine

Saw my new psychiatrist today.

Lots of history talk - my life history. Then the diagnosis. I think she was okay until I started to tell her about bad spirits exerting force on my thoughts to direct them towards painful ideas and cause me suffering. She explicitly said that it was the fact that I said there were spiritual forces manipulating my thoughts that had her worried - and earned me the diagnosis of schizophrenia.

It's not nice to be told you are insane - when you believe you are not. It hurts, like losing or being disqualified.

So then, on to medication. I had explained that the emotional pain was so frequent that I feel it in my body (around the diaphragm) - tiredness and pain. Could she do anything about it? Her answer was clozapine, because my condition was partially resistant to treatment. With clozapine, she said, there is a 50/50 chance of recovery - and a 1/100 of permanent damage to white blood cell generation (which is why once weekly blood tests are necessary); starting clozapine you also need to be admitted to hospital to be tested for blood pressure changes as well.

She also told me I should definitely take medicine for the rest of my life. She believed that if I came off anti-psychotic medication, I would be okay for a while, and then my health would deteriorate.

"Some people have one episode of psychosis, and then recover, but should always take medicine to prevent any recurrence. Another group of people have recurring episodes of breakdown [people like me, she said] - and these people should always take medicine. And another group never recover - and they should always be medicated as well."

The doc also did not know what clairaudience was. I had taken in a book I am reading and really value, called "Basic Psychic Development". She knew nothing about what being psychic is! I asked her if she was interested in it. I asked her how she could give a diagnosis when she knew nothing about this system of beliefs. I asked her if she believed in an invisible reality, as so many world religions do.

Nope, she didn't. Her belief system versus mine, she said - and who could tell who is right? Better to keep taking the medicine.


I believe I would be more myself without medicine, less repressed in so many ways. Do I really need them? I survived okay without them before (when undiagnosed,. back in 2000). The only thing that remains is my supposed spiritual perceptions, which I am at least used to, even if I haven't adapted to them yet.
I suppose there is a danger of psychotic breakdown through stress - but that can happen anyway, medicated or not - I know that much from previous experience (my second episode in 2008).


I was brought low by the idea of being on medication for life. I was also shocked by the risk of permanent damage to my system by clozapine. I was thirdly really brought low by following the doctor's idea that I was hallucinating every voice and every force on my thoughts, and that there s no invisible, "extra-sensory" reality - and I left the clinic thinking "Great: I'm TOTALLY crackers" (that means, 'completely insane' in the English idiom!) Not a nice feeling.
Hence the title of the post, "Wrath!" I feel low, and rebounding from that I feel angry that I have been, effectively, misjudged. I am also left wondering if the belief system of the psychiatrist will change over time. How can they ignore rare spiritual possibilities behind mental suffering?





What to do now?




The thought occurred to me, the host of heaven must resent the fact that we pretend we can't hear them when they come close, and that we suspect we are crazy when they speak to us.

When spirits came near after my doctor's appointment, I joked with them that I couldn't hear them / wouldn't listen to them, because they weren't real!




I would actually like to try clozapine - but then there's the old cliche that I wouldn't like to lose my 'good'
 voices. I actually think they wouldn't go, but that the clozapine might close down the parts of the brain that open me to the bad spirits. There it is. Crazy, or not...?


I think I'm going to go for clozapine treatment - probably in August this year. I still believe that I'm pretty much mentally healthy in my perceptions and thinking, but I am also open to the possibility of clozapine taking away the painful patterns my mind is subject to.


Thanks for reading.

Doc Drops The C-Word! Clozapine/Clozaril

I went to the doctor today and reported to him that in my last mini-depression I thought of self-harming and suicide. It is unusual for me to think of self-harming, but fairly regular for me to think of suicide in my depressive periods (which last up to five days). The reason is usually overwhelming irritation of my mind due to high levels of thought disturbance, namely of the experience of apparent intrusion into my mind by unwelcome spirit-people.

It's getting serious!

The doc upped my anti-depressants by 50%, did not describe an anti-anxiolytic for intermittent use as I was expecting, and suggested changing my anti-psychotic to clozapine. If you didn't know, clozapine is the drug that reaches the parts of your mind that other drugs cannot... If you are "treatment-resistant", then doctors may recommend clozapine, a powerful drug that requires patients to be monitored for white blood cell count anomalies and for blood pressure changes. Looking up about clozapine today, I was a bit scared by the side effects that can occur, such as myocarditis, a heart disorder that can result in cardiac failure (and physical expiration).


I still believe there are paranormal psychic phenomena going on in my life, and that these unusual phenomena are not hallucinations but real perceptions of spiritual reality. However, if a drug could take away those phenomena... I would be grateful.

My mood: I am feeling a bit gung-ho about the idea of taking a drug which could kill me. However, I feel hopeful about the prospects of improving under this medicine. But my white blood cell count is low; normal but low - and this may affect whether or not I can successfully be allowed to  be treated with clozapine.


We shall see.


I am savouring the idea of being without mental disturbance. It's an amazing thought. "It would be a miracle if it worked," I told the doc.


Also, next to the frightening possibility of fatal side effects, are the probability of significant sedation and increased appetite. I weigh 15 stone at present; the normal for my height is maximum 13.5 stone. I know what it's like to be 17.5 stone, after the increased appetite I had on Olanzapine. This weight gain brings a risk of diabetes.


Right now I'm feeling my mortality.I don't wish my family to bury me any time soon (whatever the pain sensations are during depression).

I'd like to take this medicine. I'm thinking about my future and my purpose and my ambitions - I had planned to go to university this year, but if I'm heavily sedated and in need of frequent tests... Maybe I will postpone or abandon my plans. Hard thought.


My brother asked me what I would like to try, if anything, what is there in the world that could help me get better, other than this medicine? My answer was apparently not realistic. "I would like to be totally looked after and to have a forest I could walk around."
Then I remembered the area near the psychiatrist's office where I had been earlier today. I had got off the bus early to enjoy the walk. There were the most exquisite pine woods there... such a delight to see. Ironically they were in the grounds of a former asylum (a place where I could have gone to convalesce and been totally looked after, had I lived in another time). That very large pine wood would have been enough of a forest for me.
It makes sense that if self-neglect is an issue sometimes, then a person would benefit from being 'totally looked after' all the time. I don't have that. I live alone; I wouldn't want to give anyone, like my mother, a responsibility of care for me. But I guess it's difficult for me, it adds a fair degree of stress to be looking after myself.

That pine wood was a place of dreams, a place where all your cares would vanish... If you feel stress, I wish you happy times in nature.


With best wishes,

Mr. S.

Meds Part 2: The Search For Pain-Management

I am seeing my consultant psychiatrist shortly, having arranged a meeting to discuss medication. I think doc thinks my condition is moderate, causing me manageable discomfort and disturbance to daily life - and that's not always true for me, sometimes the condition is severe, and I suffer great pain that I struggle to manage constructively. I don't wish to be explicit, but obviously you can guess what kind of thoughts a person has when their pain peaks to intolerable levels.

I will ask the doctor to address this, and I presume (and hope) he will prescribe me with a strong benzodiazepene for the hard periods I get, which come roughly and regularly twice every five weeks or so.

Mantra: . We have to affirm the power of the human spirit, and the power of the human spirit in conjunction with faith in something or someone. Still, medicine is a good thing. I can see that the right medicine could make my life much easier. [Anti-psychotics do not reduce or remove the active/positive symptoms of my illness, I mean hearing voices, feeling influenced, thought disturbance etc., all of which is painful and can be overwhelming, as described].


So I really hope this can be treated. I have been angry, feeling failed by the medical profession over this (having previously asked a few times for something to treat this); but now I understand that the doctor didn't really realise how bad things can be for me.

Here's hoping...

Life With Schizophrenia: Everyday Stress

I just completed a questionnaire at http://www.about.com/ on how well I am coping with schizophrenia.

It made me realise how badly I cope sometimes. And I also now have an understanding of the medical terminology of the schizophrenia diagnosis, because of the questionnaire.

Here's my evaluation:


My active symptoms - eg voices etc, feeling negatively overpowered, thought disturbance - these are unchanged by medication, and intrude into my everyday life most of the time.

The passive symptoms, including my ability to look after myself and eat well and look after my dwelling/ clear up after myself - these are all impacted by the active symptoms. Periodically I go into depressions because of the painfulness of the condition, and at those times, I have trouble looking after myself in an ideal way.

In terms of cognitive symptoms, I am pretty normal, I think. Although my spoken language can often be awkward.


I was surprised to see that obsessive remorsefulness about the past is a symptom of the illness. I certainly have that, often feeling uncomfortable about past misdeeds.


Here is the link to the test:  Schizophrenia assessment


I admit, I was also surprised to see that my chief active symptoms were summed up in these words, when I was asked if I:

• Feel that you have some "special" ability that others don't have
• Fear that others are working/using their powers to hurt or harm you
• Hear sounds or voices when there is nobody around
• Think that others can read your mind or control your thoughts

So there's a consensus where we can meet, in those words. That's a pretty accurate diagnosis, above, of what the bad side of the condition is like - in theory. And I, who have the condition, will advocate for the opinion that the cause of this pain-causing condition is spiritual; the medics will argue that I am insane, although they have no spiritual perspective on Life in their system.



All this is interesting. I was in a good mood before I did this questionnaire, then I realised how much stress I am under! I have no job, but I still have stress. I have no dependents, but I still have stress. I do have lots of free time, but my quality of life means that the value of all the free time is sadly somewhat diminished.

I can describe the passive symptoms of trouble with routine and self-care by saying that every little thing seems a challenge to be avoided. But I have exhaustion too, (I really do), which adds to the difficulty and stress. But on the depressed days, I can be living in a real mess. I said today, things would be a lot easier if I had people to help me as a cook and a housekeeper!

So we can learn that stress is something to notice, because it causes breakdowns. And worse. I know how I feel sometimes. It's ultimately painful. I wish there was some medicine that would work for me, either for pain or for the strange inner drama I have! Let's wait and see...

On The Outskirts: Life With Schizophrenia

Two things come to mind for this post:

1. A sense of being different
2. My relationship to my peers

I wish to write about what it's like when you have schizophrenia and you compare yourself to others.

As I have written elsewhere on this blog, as someone bearing the diagnosis of schizophrenia, I am a human with full humanity, who also has an alternate perception of the world. I have illness, but I also have the same desires from life as anyone. I wish for the same things that someone with good health wishes for.

• I wish to be successful in the world
• I wish to have a mate [a partner]
• I wish to have an active social circle

These are ordinary wishes, but for various reasons, I feel that I don't match up to my peers in these areas. I don't have an established career, or own a house; I am not married, I have no children. You can end up feeling gloomy about this, about this comparing. In the end, though, you don't have to compare.


But then, I am different. I was once like anyone else, then I found myself outside of normality, and  my whole mental life and personality and way of relating to the world and to other people has been different since - but it's becoming more normal. From being vastly delusional, I now have only a few discreetly held (but major) unusual beliefs about reality. From being very withdrawn, I can now pass for shy, yet courteous. From being very reluctant to speak, I am now someone who can seem normal in conversation. I still feel different, in terms of my confidence levels, and general state of relaxation. And I can't claim to be as externally successful as others my age. And I carry a diagnosis of mental illness that I feel can set me apart from many people. But I value where I've come from and the strength I've gained, and I believe I have something to contribute for being out of normality, and that those gifts will emerge when I'm ready.

Life on the outskirts, but coming back in; and becoming better able to relate to people.

Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds

(Meds = medication)


This was originally going to be a blog about demedicating, about coming off the anti-psychotic major tranquillisers. I believe they are called major tranquillisers. They have been in the newspapers recently as the "chemical cosh" for the elderly demented, as actually causing damage to the brain. I read too that they chiefly serve as an emotional sedative - they dull your feelings; the writer described them as potentially a way of pacifying difficult people for the benefit and ease of society at large. What do I think? I am concerned by the thought of brain damage. I read too that not everyone needs them - some do fine without them, provided, the research said, that they had certain personal strengths before becoming ill, such as independence. Plus there's the 'can of worms' that is the fact that the scientists don't know the brain well at this stage in history and cannot say exactly how the medicine works anyway. Understanding is developing.

I would rather not take medicine.

I have had a setback recently. I have reduced, with medical consent, the dosage of the anti-psychotic, but find that I am 'sleeping round the clock'. The reduction and the sleeping seem to be related, and it's a fairly intolerable state. We'll see what the answer is; I'd rather not increase the dosage again.


I have had a period before, before diagnosis, of being untreated and ill, and things were not so bad. There were no major hallucinations, only some delusions persisting from my dramatic first breakdown. I had got ill from abusing the illegal drug cannabis - once I stopped taking it, I stopped getting hallucinations. Then I took medicine, upon being correctly diagnosed, and this cleared up my delusions relatively quickly. I feel that without medicine, I would be stable ( as I was then), I would feel better and be more alert, and be more creative (yes please), and I would sleep less, and eat less. I think it will surprise everyone in my family. They are doubtful of any of this - to an aggravating extent.

I have got to the stage that I can handle the 'symptoms' I still have well enough - God knows (excuse me), God knows the medicine has not changed the so-called magical persecutory syndrome I have; the medicine has never changed the mental sensations of intrusion and being harassed. I feel that I would be better off without the medicine.

Do I really need the medicine?
I had a problem two years ago. I gradually started to lose a sense of reality, had a breakdown from stress and stopped taking my anti-psychotic medicine and quickly became very ill. Does this mean that without the medicine I am very psychotic, or does it mean that the brain suddenly deprived of a strong medicine to which it has become accustomed rapidly turns psychotic in its activity? I think the latter, and according to one of my doctors, it's what happens when you suddenly stop taking the medicine. You feel great, healthy, happy, then soon decay into a psychotic break. I thought at the time that the medicine was bad for me - when they readministered it in psychiatric hospital, I noticed it caused an increase in distressing thoughts; whatever the truth of that is, the medicine was clearly becoming less effective, one way or another, whether being impeded through my increasing stress or on its own becoming toxic or less effective. Worryingly, it showed me that stress can bring me down - but that's the same for everyone. I am told that no medicine can prevent a break when it's from stress. So what would happen if I was off medicine and had a break from stress? I guess I would become delusional and have hallucinations. That's not good; but I would rather watch my stress levels and not take medicine, for the benefits of being medication-free and because of the health I believe I would have without the medicine.
Actually, my first breakdown happened from cannabis-overuse (and my natural 'allergy' to it); my second breakdown happened from stopping taking the medicine suddenly. Remember, I felt healthy at one stage in the process of stopping taking my medicine suddenly. These are both unusual events; unless I use cannabis again to that degree or stop taking the medicine suddenly, I presume I will be well.

Fortunately all this is my choice. No one is making me take the medicine, and the doctor has approved(grudgingly, but approved) my reduction and cessation of medication. I live in the UK, which, for all the bad press it gets for its foreign policy and actions abroad, is a country with integrity, where no one gets 'disappeared' by the government. There is no death penalty. This is a place that has respect for my human rights, that is leading civilisation in the right direction. I have a vote when it is election time. I have freedom of speech. And I have the right to live without medication for a diagnosed mental illness. Thank God; because I have come to a place of stability and intellectual lucidity that I think allows me to live without anti-psychotic medication.

I'm fairly sure I will continue to suffer without the medication, since there will still be the spiritual reality I deal with. Strange. However, it may well be that in time I reach a point of strength and control that heals my relation to the spiritual reality. Until then, as I said, I can cope with the condition I have. I certainly do not expect that the 'attacking' syndrome will get worse. I expect to feel more powerful as an individual through increased emotional range and depth, to be more normal in my social capacity through feeling more relaxed and having more 'fertility of thought'. These other changes will make life easier, just as they make it better.

A load of conjecture? I don't know for sure what will happen, but I've given an explanation, and I expect that I will remain stable and be happier, on the whole. There have been no mental changes so far, through a halving of the dose of medicine I was on. Let's hope it all works. There will be more updates as things progress.

"Delusions Of Reference": What It's Like On The Inside

Delusions of reference, as I understand it, is when you watch TV or films, or listen to music or the radio etc, and think that there is some personal communication going on between you and the media involved, when there isn't.

When I get this, I feel a surge of force coming in apparently from outside me, with hostile intent attached to said force, and then some negativity will leave me like an arrow fired from a bow - and the negativity will be some very deprecating observation intended to cause emotional injury, and this apparent communication occurs more on a dimension of knowing than on a verbal telepathic basis.


OK, so in the spiritual outlook, people have varying degrees of sensitivity. Some people may be aware of being stared at from behind (the famous scenario when you're sitting on the bus/train and feel someone reading your newspaper over your shoulder). Some people may be responsive to others brooding over their personal faults. Some people can go through life, living three score and ten years, and never have a psychic spiritual experience of any kind. Then you have Colin Fry, Gordon Smith, Derek Acorah - the fully-functioning mediums, people born with great spiritual sensitivity. Me? I claim to be clairaudient, and disagree that 'hearing voices' is always a sign that a brain is malfunctioning and producing perceptual distortions/auditory hallucinations. I also believe in telepathy, which is some form of direct mind-to-mind communication. Most often it is supposed to occur under episodes of heightened emotion, and even then it depends upon someone sensitive to 'send' the thought. With me, I feel psychically 'naked' in public, as if my telepathic side is broken, and some of my mental energy is forced out of me. This is more pronounced when watching television, listening to radio and so on, and I most often have a sense of interference so that a hostile energy causes me to make a telepathic connection. I usually feel that some connection is made, so I avoid mass media, to keep my karma good (!!).


If you were following this, I may have lost you in the last paragraph. Surely if everyone schizophrenic is watching a TV program, they can't all be telepathically communicating with, say, the presenter?
Well, I can only say that the interference of  a hostile person seems real, the negativity most likely feels like it does engage with the intended person. [By the way, the same interference on a knowing level occurs to injure me, normally, when the disturbance is more distant than 'local' (local being negative interactions with 'ghosts' around me)]. I wish it were not so. I like watching TV and films at will, but I abstain, partly because I believe that a disturbance is happening, and partly because I don't like the experience of having intrusion and interference. I don't think that my situation is so common. When I have these moments of intrusion and manipulation of my mind, the forces involved are very powerful. Likewise, when I am in public, the forces I feel around my mind are very powerful. It could well be that I am a powerful sender of thoughts, and my spiritual awareness is certainly high enough to allow that (already being open to Spirit in clairaudience etc), and my sensations of psychic nakedness would help any interference and direct mind-to-mind communication to occur.

I believe there could be a correlation between psychic sensitivity and schizophrenia. I believe a lot of schizophrenic people are actually psychic, powerfully psychic and often psychic in a dysfunctional way. Being ignored in this by medical helpers is a barrier to wellness - obviously the doctor might think a person is much more ill than they are if they seem to be experiencing massive psychic traffic and they count that as psychosis.

Have you seen "The Men Who Star At Goats"? All of this would have been taken seriously by them! They would have had me in their division!

I read recently that communication is telepathic, and that when we meet each other face-to-face, we join in an energetic way, and have a higher sense of knowing about each other, so we can consciously easily guess what the other is feeling, guess how their mood is and how they feel about themselves in terms of self-love and self-esteem.
I actually get interference to my face-to-face communication, so that others' first impressions of me may be negative, because of the negativity coming through me from outside. In this way I am quite mediumistic, and like a 'channel'  - it expresses not just within my mind but externally in my physical self, my eyes and face and even movements.
As I said above, there is psychic nakedness; I feel as if some mental shell is removed and damaged in me, ordinarily (presumably from intensive cannabis abuse around the age of 18). Combined with a powerful negative emotionality watching over me, it is no wonder that I feel self-conscious in public and prefer to remain at home, where I feel psychologically comfortable and more natural. This nakedness is to be noted as a significant aspect of the condition. It is a hyper-sensitivity, and probably the reason why I can feel actively watched and interfered with by the hostile ones who I believe are spirit-people, (people who were once alive in dense form on Earth and now have died, left the body and spiritually are in part-ascension and choosing to disrupt mortal life on Earth). There is a shell missing, so there is easy intrusion.


OK, this has likely been a taxing read. Quite an intricate group of statements. Class dismissed! For now...
I hope this has been helpful to the reader, providing insight into the life of the 'schizophrenic' person.

My Story

Intensive cannabis use was my downfall - I mean it brought on psychosis in me; there is some debate in the public realm over whether this is possible, but for me it was unquestionably the case. I began to imagine that my then-girlfriend was benig unfaithful, to a horrible extent, which was heart-breaking and led to much conflict and turbulence between us. Breaking up with this innocent individual on the grounds of her causing me excessive stress, I went to university, where most of the people I socialised with in the halls of residence made up a group who smoked cannabis regularly; I took to smoking cannabis intenseively alone, as well as with the others. By this time I was using cannabis as a means to get closer to God, as I had had a spiritual awakening and a number of unusual experiences apparently of a mystical nature. It is very important to note as a constituent in my story that I entered a new stage of personal development through a spiritual awakening, ('spiritual awakening' simply means a combination of new and vital fervour in seeking God and probably also key personal experiences of a mystical nature). By and large the cannabis smoking brought me not the union with God that I desired, but truly hellish hallucinations; these hallucinations were of a nightmarish reality, experienced as real, wherein friends and family were subjected to all manner of the worst assaults, mutilation, and grisly and treacherous deaths. I myself was also the focus of horror in the guise of supposed persecution by mind-reading and merciless terrorists.

I stopped smoking cannabis when I moved away from my associates in the second year of university. A counsellor had identified that I had problems of a mental nature, which led to a diagnosis of depression. Although I was no longer experiencing such grand hallucinations, as mentioned above, my mental perception was compromised to the extent that it felt as if a protective shell had been damaged and removed and anyone in my presence could be aware, if spiritually sensitive, of my inner thoughts; secondly, since my breakdown I had many delusions of grandeur of a messianic variety, extending to prophethood and sainthood; thirdly, I experienced what seemed to be spiritual intrusion into my mind of acute frequency, with sensing an intention of injuring me by causing 'psychological' pain .
Briefly, my situation today is that the sense of openness remains, the symptoms of delusional grandeur have eroded over time, and the sense of intrusion has been an integral and painful part of my experience since my breakdown ten years ago.
P.S.: My speech capability was largely knocked out by the breakdown, though this has recovered; I still quite often feel awkward speaking though I am articulate in my writing. I also developed social phobia along with the first breakdown, which means I feel uncomfortable around others, except for my very closest family, and this remains unchanged.


One more thing: last year, I had a breakdown from stress; a regular breakdown, things got too much for me on the career front, I went to bed for two weeks, was kind of feverish, not eating and not taking my medicine... After two weeks I felt fine, in fact I felt very good, so I decided I didn't need my small daily dose of medication. Because I had stopped taking the medicine suddenly (instead of tapering off), I jacknifed into a full-blown episode of hallucination, similar to the one I had experienced many years ago, and I mostly lacked insight that I was not well. Once again the frightening hallucinations and beliefs occurred - but this time I was detached, and the misperceptions were easier to handle. I was taken to hospital, given a new kind of medicine and now I am back to the previous status quo - having an experience of openness and frequent 'intrusion'. For me, medicine does not block out such symptoms.

This brings me full circle. The first eighteen years of my life were totally free of psychosis. I have had an unusual coming of age charctersied by an alternative perspective on Life and much solitude, and now I am well enough to consider coming off the medicine I take. The psychiatrist who supervises me grudgingly agrees to me attempting Life unmedicated, for which I am grateful. I believe that since my condition is stable, I won't experience any adverse effects, and I am habituated to handling my difficult symptoms. I intended to write a blog charting my decrease in medication and any changes that occur afterwards, but I couldn't wait!, since I also intended to write putting forward my argument for the inclusion of a spiritual perspective alongside the rational perspective that dominates current Western mainstream psychiatric thinking. I hope to write about coming off medicine too, next year (2010).

Introducing...

Diagnosis: Schizophrenia!

A blog for scientists, parapsychologists, and people diagnosed with schizophrenia who believe in the paranormal

This blog will feature the discussion of various perspectives of schizophrenia, as well as snaphsots from the Life of its writer.

As someone who has spent 10 years down the Schizophrenia Mines, and who begins more and more to emerge from those burdensome confines, the writer hopes that the blog-entries here will prove of value to the world-wide community. Welcome.

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[If you have come to this blog looking for help with difficult parapsychic phenomena (trouble with spirits, painfully open awareness, and so on), you may wish to go directly to the post Solutions To Spiritual Attack: A Summary from 23 November 2010. This post represents my best efforts at present to put forward solutions to spiritual attack.]
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I am interested in the science of my condition; I like to read online scientific articles about schizophrenia. However, I am also a reader of parapsychological literature. You will find that my world-view is validated more by 'parapsychology' than 'science'. See what you make of it. I wish this blog to help people - those in a position like mine, and those who study the science of schizophrenia.

In 2001 I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I don't deny that I have experienced psychosis, but on the other hand, I will argue that I also experience spiritual phenomena. I am very aware that mainstream western psychology can only count five senses, and is without a soul (without a soul that sees, hears or speaks).
This blog tells a true story: the posts you will find here give an honest account of my condition and express my real opinions. It as an anonymous blog, because of the way I imagine my beliefs would be received; however, in the everyday world, I am becoming more open to telling people about my diagnosis and history. - That's a good thing. On this blog I can sound as crazy as I like: I don't have to worry about the face you'll pull when I'm writing about my beliefs on 'evil' spirits and telepathy!
You are the privileged reader of what a person diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia really thinks. And as an educated, articulate writer, and a person with schizophrenia becoming quite lucid in their thinking as they recover, I hope you will take value from this blog of autobiography and opinions on a major mental illness.
The blog is quite serious in tone - and intention. It can be 'wordy' (I try not to be!) (It can also be less than lucid, as I try to pin down the vagaries of my opinions when it comes to some aspects of my inner goings-on.) It can be cyclical, repetitive, as I work through my preferred themes and become clearer on what I write - because this practise of blogging does bring me clarity. I might change my mind about what's real, right before your eyes! But, generally this blog has an intellectual approach to my "paranormal schizophrenia", examining information and arguing points with clarity.

I am writing now to fill out this introduction, and I would also say that after a year of blogging, I feel one of its purposes is nearly filled - to help people in my position. In this way, it reads like parapsychological literature. What do I hold is my position? Call it demonic oppression; call it psychic attack. I call it profound 'psychic' vulnerability, spirit attack. I call it having a mind too open to the world of spirit and suffering from the frequent harmful attentions of hostile spirit-people. But this condition is not without solutions, and I write about these, whether they be 'self-help' or the help of those whose full-time occupations it is to work as a medium between spirits and people.
And what about those whose full-time occupation it is to work with psyches? I am not ungrateful to them! Medication has seemingly removed my irrational thinking (such as delusions of grandeur, - thinking myself to be a demi-god, etc); the medication has stabilised me and pacified me, although it has never managed to shut down the inner 'hearing' I have.
I think I am now ready to stop taking the medicine. I would still like to write about this process of coming off medication (anti-psychotic medicine), as I am planning to live drug-free and would like to document that. I am beginning to scale down my dosage of medication, with the consent of my consultant psychiatrist.

I am aware that I sound insane in my beliefs on paranormal spirituality! But that is not far away from what some people think of all spirituality! Secondly, I realise that I may be off to a losing streak arguing for spiritual reality under a banner of a diagnosis of schizophrenia!! Really though, please keep an open mind about whether people can be mentally ill and simultaneously be psychic, with all that entails.


Thank you.


Mr. S.




POST SCRIPT

To my readers,

Please feel free to leave comments throughout my blog to let me know what you think, if you agree with me or are helped by what I write. If you don't wish to, don't worry!
Thank you very much,

Mr. S.