Saturday 15 May 2010

Who Am I?

Who am I? This is not an existential question! Nor is it time for me to expose my identity.

I mean by this, who am I in daily life? If you met me, how would I appear?

Well, first, what do I say about myself?

I am calm, rational, and high-functioning. I am a creative person. I manage all my bills myself, all my shopping and cooking and cleaning. I am well-educated, even at my age of 29.

If you meet me I am very shy, and you may detect some unnaturalness in the way I speak, the way I order words. [I am shy because some of the spirits who influence me seek to project an aura of strong untrustworthiness through me, which makes me seem untrustworthy; other times I am shy because of the berating the spirits give me in trying to persuade me I am a person somehow of low worth]. I talk less than most other people.

I just think this is an interesting question, of who I am, because it fills out the picture presented by the blog here at "Diagnosis: schizophrenia!" It's important for me to tell you that I am, in my own opinion, a carefully reasoning, reflective individual.

If you met me, you would likely not have a clue of my condition - just unless you mentioned telepathy and malevolent spirits and suffering...


All I'm saying is that I have a problem with spirits - next to any schizophrenic symptoms I have had - a problem which some  Christian churches (in an un-politically correct fashion) call 'demonic infestation', or oppression. I have a problem with spirits. [And not spirits of the drinking kind].

There is a spiritual reality as well as a material reality.
We have each of us a soul and there is perseverance of the soul.
Some troubled souls cause trouble post-mortem.
Oh, and there is such a thing in Heaven called the Law of Non-Interference, so prayers for protection may well seem unanswered.

As time goes on I will become healthier and healthier, more rational, stronger, yet I can guarantee that this condition will be unchanged, until I can find someone to help me with it, because it is independent of my mental health. It is indeed an ongoing challenge to my mental health, making it hard for me to blossom again as an individual after my breakdown ten, yes, ten years ago.

I'm doing my best in this blog to put forth a persuasive account of my story. I hope it does persuade (that's not such an easy task, it's demanding, even if the theme of my plaint were different).

I sometimes wonder what it must be like not to be troubled, I was that person once, only dealing with the mundane, and fully operational, not incapacitated in anyway by the causes of pain I know today. So if you're reading this and you are well, thank your lucky stars, thank God, and go out and do something good, enjoy Life and spread happiness.

My diagnosis

I am diagnosed with a psychotic condition - my psychiatrist didn't bother giving me more details. [I'm always having a go at my psychiatrist in my blog!] I have previously been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I thought I was being influenced by other people (mortal people); I had, I suppose, lost some of my soul power to the degree that I felt completely overwhelmed, and I was overwhelmed, although my thinking was paranoid. I suppose, too, that I was right in thinking that I was under a dark shadow that was making me feel abnormally bad, - bad in mood and bad about myself.

But, all that besides, I am quite comforted by the fact that my illness was induced by cannabis misuse (overuse). It feels like I don't really have proper schizophrenia, not like other people... I mean that this fact helps me dissociate from people who develop the illness naturally, thus causing me to feel less stigma - and also hope, that my illness will pass more easily.
I don't mean to distance myself from others who have schizophrenia in a spirit of rejection.


On a related note, what do I call what I have? I tend to call it 'my condition', rather than an illness, becuase I believe my symptoms are derived from a naturally occurring phenomenon, namely haunting.

Haunting is rare. Ghosts, I think, are not rare; neither are spirits who seek to injure the living. but there are more workers for Light than detractors seeking destruction and harm.
To get to my position, you have to have a) strong sensitivity, and b) strong vulnerability (both of which cannabis use and overuse may cause or trigger). I guess that combination, which will expose a person to spiritual threat and attract danger, is not common. Still, it happened to me. It may be with me for many years, but there are advantages for me -  I get stronger, and wiser.

Thinking, Thinking

A common phenomenon for me is 'backtracking'. This word 'backtracking' refers to my reaction when my thoughts get overrided by spirits. It may be the spirits round me, or the ones further away. (The ones nearby are more tame, the ones further away are mroe savage and intent on causing injury).

Typically the interference, or disturbance, pointedly contravenes my personality type, so as to be rude. I will then respond in various ways, with patience or reproach, or focussing healing intent to repair any damage done. By rude, I mean profane humour, racist humour, sexist humour and such like. The worse the disturbance, the more serious it is, and the more injurious it is, for example cruel judegements and disrespectful observations of others.

I may be thinking, and my thoughts will literally rush into an uncharacteristic or unnatural channel, as they get railroaded by spirits. It's a kind of possession. I have only once been fully possessed, and that was just for a moment, but I very often get this irritating, upsetting or polluting version of thought possession.

This would be one way I know that I interact with spirits - the other is that I hear them. The more powerful and more distant-seeming spirits seem to KNOW what I'm thinking very often and use their forceful influence to change the course of my thoughts. Any negative avenue (eg base humour, or more severely, critical and judgemental views) is brought up, when I would not naturally have those thoughts. The result is a very draining effect - but secondarily, because of the back-tracking, because of my responses, I have become stronger and have marshalled a body of positive thinking and attitude. I suppose it has helped me identify myself and helped me refine my personlity to be a more positive and nicer person (when I'm not under the terribly gloomy influence of these unhappy and disgruntled and malevolent spirits).


I hope this isn't too boring. I think it's interesting!

I'd love to know how they do it. I guess that is not likely, unless a celestial spirit informs me... I'd love to know how they observe and infuence my thoughts - oh, and I'd love them to stop too...

Haunting

Following on from my last post, in which I called into doubt all my experience (!) I would like to extend an electronic hand of friendship, (since we're on the Internet) to those experiencing  haunting.

Experiencing haunting, you may, in this day and age - if you are not an experienced psychic - doubt yourself and wonder if you are insane.

I think it's a major calling really - it's a major Life-experience. The sad fact is that it may be hard to clear up, but I guess it also will set you on a Life-path of spirituality and awareness.
The souls gravitate towards you because of your sensitvity and the amount of Light you are putting out into the world - its a kind of compliment.

Problem:
You're on a blog about schizophrenic-type symptoms. Experiencing haunting, your average doctor may well decide you are not well... You have to take sides and decide which world you belong to, for there are many worlds on and supported by our Earth. Conversely you can walk out and get exorcised by a priesthood, or cured by a witch-doctor type.

With me, I experience ordinary haunting, I hear usually two or more spirits trapped in the etheric near me, and a rather worse type of haunting from afar by spirits less well-known to me, who can exert influence over my mental activity. There are two tyes of haunting going on in my life. If you are goig through something simliar, I etxned my hand to you. I know something of the apin you may go through, and the heaviness of the weight of what is often more than harassment, and extends into - and mind the cliche of schizophrenic symptomology - persecution.

In this entry, I just want to say, yes, it's real, keep going, have courage, you can find a way through.
Psychicness can be nice, but this kind of paranormality isn't. You end up craving the normality you once knew. You can create any condition you like for yourself. You are very strong! Have faith that you can reclaim your spiritual space.

A final note: I read recently that aggression is a cry for help; no matter how authoritative your attacker or oppressor, no matter how strong they seem, in truth they are weak in their core - ask yourself what help they could use and what you could do for them.

I Hear

I am clairaudient, very clairaudient for a non-professional psychic person.

Today I have been thinking about something my dad said to me around Christmas-time. He called me a soldier of Christ, which is nice. It makes me proud. It makes me feel I have a duty to fulfil and a service to offer. Actually, he told me to act like a soldier of Christ, because I was misbehaving (I can't remember exactly what I was doing amiss, though).

Oh, and my dad died four years ago...



I hear things. I'm spiritually sensitive and I hear spirits. Sometimes I wish I wasn't spiritually sensitive, because then I wouldn't hear the ghosts around me, those people in spirit who are squatting near me in the etheric dimension who follow me around, and I wish I wasn't spiritually sensitive so I wouldn't be affected by intrusions and disturbances to my mental activity.


This is hard, since having a diagnosis as a person with schizophrenia, it's all harder to believe for the non-psychic person, whether they be family members or the psychiatrist I am under. It puts me in a difficult position. Sometimes, when everyones disagrees with you, you will start to agree with them, no matter what the proofs may be otherwise - funny that. ESpecially when it's all about the spiritual reality.

Paranormality or Paralunacy?

Where is the line between believing you are in the world of the paranormal and being, actually, in the realm of paralunacy?

I remember seeing a healer who 'turned off' the moment I began to talk about the finer points of telepathy. You may have the same reaction, now...: there is a force that impels my mind to make telepathic connection and it is very strong. I get hijacked by malevolent spirits. They say where thought goes, there energy follows, and well, I stopped watching TV and listening to live music a few years ago. I felt the spirits were polluting others' awareness through me, which isn't a nice situation to be in, to be a bearer of that energy.

I guess I could use this page for confession, seeing as it's anonymous; the hijacking of my mind, which is obviously telepathically 'switched-on' and susceptible to interference, has caused me great feelings of guilt, because of the darkness that previously came through me, before I abstained from those aforementioned media.


Crazy, huh?


I guess there have always been people of experience, and people who ask them, "Is this true?" Just nowadays, in the developed urban world, the orthodox tends to ask "Is this true?" in a way that discredits experience, rather than seeking to be sure of it and verify it. The skeptics are the orthodox, but the people of experience still keep rolling on. Still, telepathy like I have known must be pretty unusual.


Apparently, some people are senders and other people are receivers. I do 'hear', in the special clairaudient way, but I guess I am a powerful sender, and this faculty is open to exploitation.
Paralunacy or paranormality? What  you believe depends partly on your experience and the teachings you have received - and beyond that depends on how much you can maintain an open mind and open heart.