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Hi readers,


I am still checking up on the blog now and then to review stats and comments. You can get in touch with me here if you are interested, and we can exchange views in the comments section.

I think the blog is interesting - I have written so much, and my views have evolved over time, to the extent that I could go back and edit what I have written, but I would like to let it stand as it is as a testament for examination and your information.

I have really enjoyed sharing with you all here, and I could write more. Last year I stopped clozapine,  having tapered off, but without ‘staggering’ the dose... [by tapering, I mean reducing over months, by staggering I mean for example missing one day’s dose in week one, two of the days from week two, and so on until there is just one dose in week seven and then stop, to ease the substance from the body with minimum risk of shock to the brain and withdrawal crisis].  Result: within three days a withdrawal psychosis began, then hospitalisation for three months, when I was very far out. I can’t help thinking the psychiatrist didn’t know what she was doing. And that clozapine gives, I suggest, a worse discontinuation syndrome than less effective medications. I actually got worse for about five weeks in hospital while being put back on an antipsychotic, which was Abilify, because I guess the after effects of ceasing clozapine were still grinding to a halt
It then took another six months to get back to normal after being in hospital. To cut a long story short, I showed some manic traits during the psychotic episode, was prescribed a medicine (sodium valproate) for that under the new diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder; because the medicine made me lose hair and hurt my virility and it can cause sterility in men, I persuaded the psychiatrist I was under to stop it, again tapering and not staggering (!!) and had a pretty serious second psychotic episode, like an aftershock to an earthquake, which lasted maybe two and a half months.

I feel like now I have a new start, I have changed and grown, I am stronger.

Medicine is currently Abilify and an antidepressant, which is fine, it works well, though the antidepressant has some side effects and I look forward to stopping it in two months. (It is recommended to take them at minimum for six to nine months after initial prescription).

So I could write more about that ten month journey, to tell the tale.

I have enjoyed writing on this blog and love the outlet it has given me and that it serves you the readers out there in internetland. I really recommend blogging as a way of connecting with others in a meaningful way and releasing the self in a constructive manner.
Perhaps I have written enough on my pet subjects of the paranormal spiritual as it overlaps with paranoid schizophrenia, and how there is a confusion and contradiction between science and religion.
I would still like to share my drawings with you, and music too. This would be good.

So, from Mr S, and the diagnosis schizophrenia blog (or should that be “diagnosis schizoaffective disorder blog”??!), goodbye for now. 

Popularity of Posts on Diagnosis Schizophrenia: My Drawings

In terms of written posts,. most people come here to find out about "psychic attack", and less come for my autobiography on living with psychic/spiritual attack and the blurred lines in my culture between mental suffering and being psychic or sick.

However, way more (twice the number) of people come to see my drawings, from my initial breakdown and from time since then - which is a BIG surprise! It is unexpected, and I really like that people are interested in the drawings. Those drawings (from the search item "schizophrenia drawings") are very unusual. First I was an ordinary person, capable but not overly interested in art, then I was in a borderline mental place and drawing with passion or rapture and bringing forth designs from the unconscious. These drawings I hold to be special; I have had two of them made into posters, that I framed and hung on my walls in my home, they have a special place in my life, and rise above being a symbol of illness.

For me, the main point here is that most people who come to my blog are looking for some manner of support to respond to psychic attack or spiritual warfare, perhaps also with an emphasis of being disorientated and supposed insane . In many parts of the world and among the general population, awareness of spiritual attack is obviously non-existent (and you might well know that this awareness may merely be manifested as utter skepticism), and where it does it exist, it is likely to be known as fact rather than experience, or be special knowledge held by a few or by knowing ones. Which is not surprising. Psychic attack is "a big deal", you can buy many books on "psychic protection" on Amazon now, for example, but this condition of experiencing psychic aggression in an everyday or pronounced way is, I suppose, quite or very marginal. If you are reading this, you are likely a skeptical scientist or a spiritually sensitive person. If you are here as a spiritually sensitive person, then good luck to you, it is not all bad, you must be in the grace of God and on  a path with many gifts and wonders in store! Peace be with you, whatever the reason why you are reading this.

I hope I have been some help in guiding spiritually sensitive people on Earth at this time who are coping with spiritual wounds and warfare. Perhaps it is coming to the end of the 'investigation', this parapsychologist writes, as I am hopefully about to go to hospital and be initiated into the "bunker-buster" of psychiatric medications, called Clozaril, which may shut down and heal any excessive sensitivity of mind that I have. But I expect to report on that attempted treatment too, as it is also worth writing about for the world.

Until next time, good luck, and happy reading. Remember, the truth is out there...

Update: Reflections and Clozaril

I have noticed that sometimes the darkness that comes into my consciousness is stronger than me, and it is determinedly evil. But you can't expect to always be stronger than others. But this is serious, it is no joke, I realize, to be thus in relation with unquiet souls. But I am grateful that it is not worse, that I am not in relation with truly demonic souls, just ones who are emotionally disturbed.


I have really started to hang on to the idea of taking Clozaril. I have had my blood taken for testing, and hope to go into hospital in the next few weeks. I am hoping it will desensitize the psychic awareness that has for so long been excessive. I am hoping I won't lose my 'friends' from the spirit world, just - what a wonderful idea - to tune out the earthbound spirits around me who attack, and the voices of the two poor spirits attached to me. I have been thinking I will have to go to a spirit release expert again, to help those attached spirits to get home (again, again).

I have great hope that the pain will go away. I don't know how my world will change, exactly, though. I have faith in spirituality and the reality I know and that others speak of - I don't wish to lose that part of my life.

Keep the faith, those of you who come here to this blog looking for direction and affirmation of your spiritual world-view and extra-sensory experience.

I will (hopefully) be going into hospital for a few weeks, and then the medicine carries on having its most  beneficial effects for maybe six to twelve months more. I will report back, here, on what the journey was like. I wonder what it will be like. Will it feel like a dam breaking? Will it open my eyes? Will it reawaken my bright feelings? It may well be that it reaches the tired open part of me and heals that shut. That would be great.

So I believe in "more than the eye can see", and I also have hope in medicine to help me. I know medicine has helped me in the past. I say, don't give up on medicine.



Recently I was lying in bed late at night before going to sleep, and I had a vision of a man in armour with a sword, and he waved a hello to me in a very friendly fashion. I thought this was my spirit guide, and he must have been exploring my immediate astral environment to lead away or deter unquiet souls. I just thought I would share that, as a post script. The spirit world is always there, in all its glory. Neither madness, nor science - nor dark beliefs - can destroy it. I pray for everyone who is finding their way through life with very enhanced psychic sensitivity, who suffers because of it and perhaps could use more corroboration from the world. Good luck finding your peace.

Doc Drops The C-Word! Clozapine/Clozaril

I went to the doctor today and reported to him that in my last mini-depression I thought of self-harming and suicide. It is unusual for me to think of self-harming, but fairly regular for me to think of suicide in my depressive periods (which last up to five days). The reason is usually overwhelming irritation of my mind due to high levels of thought disturbance, namely of the experience of apparent intrusion into my mind by unwelcome spirit-people.

It's getting serious!

The doc upped my anti-depressants by 50%, did not describe an anti-anxiolytic for intermittent use as I was expecting, and suggested changing my anti-psychotic to clozapine. If you didn't know, clozapine is the drug that reaches the parts of your mind that other drugs cannot... If you are "treatment-resistant", then doctors may recommend clozapine, a powerful drug that requires patients to be monitored for white blood cell count anomalies and for blood pressure changes. Looking up about clozapine today, I was a bit scared by the side effects that can occur, such as myocarditis, a heart disorder that can result in cardiac failure (and physical expiration).


I still believe there are paranormal psychic phenomena going on in my life, and that these unusual phenomena are not hallucinations but real perceptions of spiritual reality. However, if a drug could take away those phenomena... I would be grateful.

My mood: I am feeling a bit gung-ho about the idea of taking a drug which could kill me. However, I feel hopeful about the prospects of improving under this medicine. But my white blood cell count is low; normal but low - and this may affect whether or not I can successfully be allowed to  be treated with clozapine.


We shall see.


I am savouring the idea of being without mental disturbance. It's an amazing thought. "It would be a miracle if it worked," I told the doc.


Also, next to the frightening possibility of fatal side effects, are the probability of significant sedation and increased appetite. I weigh 15 stone at present; the normal for my height is maximum 13.5 stone. I know what it's like to be 17.5 stone, after the increased appetite I had on Olanzapine. This weight gain brings a risk of diabetes.


Right now I'm feeling my mortality.I don't wish my family to bury me any time soon (whatever the pain sensations are during depression).

I'd like to take this medicine. I'm thinking about my future and my purpose and my ambitions - I had planned to go to university this year, but if I'm heavily sedated and in need of frequent tests... Maybe I will postpone or abandon my plans. Hard thought.


My brother asked me what I would like to try, if anything, what is there in the world that could help me get better, other than this medicine? My answer was apparently not realistic. "I would like to be totally looked after and to have a forest I could walk around."
Then I remembered the area near the psychiatrist's office where I had been earlier today. I had got off the bus early to enjoy the walk. There were the most exquisite pine woods there... such a delight to see. Ironically they were in the grounds of a former asylum (a place where I could have gone to convalesce and been totally looked after, had I lived in another time). That very large pine wood would have been enough of a forest for me.
It makes sense that if self-neglect is an issue sometimes, then a person would benefit from being 'totally looked after' all the time. I don't have that. I live alone; I wouldn't want to give anyone, like my mother, a responsibility of care for me. But I guess it's difficult for me, it adds a fair degree of stress to be looking after myself.

That pine wood was a place of dreams, a place where all your cares would vanish... If you feel stress, I wish you happy times in nature.


With best wishes,

Mr. S.

Meds Part 2: The Search For Pain-Management

I am seeing my consultant psychiatrist shortly, having arranged a meeting to discuss medication. I think doc thinks my condition is moderate, causing me manageable discomfort and disturbance to daily life - and that's not always true for me, sometimes the condition is severe, and I suffer great pain that I struggle to manage constructively. I don't wish to be explicit, but obviously you can guess what kind of thoughts a person has when their pain peaks to intolerable levels.

I will ask the doctor to address this, and I presume (and hope) he will prescribe me with a strong benzodiazepene for the hard periods I get, which come roughly and regularly twice every five weeks or so.

Mantra: . We have to affirm the power of the human spirit, and the power of the human spirit in conjunction with faith in something or someone. Still, medicine is a good thing. I can see that the right medicine could make my life much easier. [Anti-psychotics do not reduce or remove the active/positive symptoms of my illness, I mean hearing voices, feeling influenced, thought disturbance etc., all of which is painful and can be overwhelming, as described].


So I really hope this can be treated. I have been angry, feeling failed by the medical profession over this (having previously asked a few times for something to treat this); but now I understand that the doctor didn't really realise how bad things can be for me.

Here's hoping...

My Perspective: An Interesting Position

My perspective is interesting because I am making my own way, intellectually. The education I get to frame my experience, I find myself, no one is training me, or informing me directly. I rely on my own understanding and efforts.

Having become psychically aware very suddenly, I went through a long process of re-orientation, with no one to guide me; I found any information myself, and over years. This blog is a means for me to serve others in my position, and I have to say, I think those people are lucky in finding this blog and having it to lead them. I am 'bigging myself up', it seems, but really I'm making an important point about information - and orientation. Knowing where you are.

Medically, I see a GP every six months, I see a psychiatrist every three to five months; if I was to complain, I would say they medicate me, and leave me to it. There is a community psychiatric nurse who sees me once a month or every three weeks, which is great, and he helps me by talking things over; last time he was warning me about stress. He said that anyone can have a psychotic breakdown given enough stressors in their life - which I found strangely comforting, as it made me feel less odd! (He also said that if anyone took an antipsychotic, then suddenly stopped taking it, they would probably become psychotic...)
What I am working round to saying (!) is that they don't work too much in guiding me either, or trying to pick apart the elements of my inner world to heal me.

I have been growing in a 'vacuum'. Following my own initiative and finding out truth for myself. Also gaining added awareness and clarity over time.
It is a stressful process, sometimes, to be a student and teacher at the same time - I mean to depend on myself for learning.

I am the only person who is very psychic that I know - so there is no one to validate or inform me, to support and reassure me. And now I have reached enough understanding to begin to share it, with you the reader - that's a good thing.

Question On My Condition: Am I Still Schizophrenic?

When I was telling my story to the healer two days ago, an interesting point was raised. Although I was attempting to say that my schizophrenic symptoms had gone away, I still had that second full breakdown  two years ago. Unfortunately, my memories of it now are fading. This is what I think happened.

1. I remember thinking two months in advance that I had a special connection with someone and was 'channeling' information. I think a lot of that was 'woolly', now.
2. On the day the breakdown started, I went to the bank and had a personal meeting with a manager, during which I laughed and laughed and laughed, for no apparent reason; I was just undergoing some kind of hysteria. I then went home and collapsed, more or less, lying on the floor in my living room, before going to bed.
3. I stayed in bed for about two weeks, during which time I stopped taking my medicine; since I  felt very well., I was happy and thought I didn't need my medicine. However I soon started to have perceptual disturbances (thinking my body very small/large), and hallucinating, thinking an apocalypse was going on outside.
4. I then turned into the full breakdown, frightening fears and hallucinations and delusions.

The point is, that retelling my story, I had missed out the first step listed above. My version of the story in my mind had always been that I had a breakdown from stress, then stopped taking my medicine by happenstance, felt fine, stayed off it, and got ill without realising. But why was I already showing signs of being ill? I remember feeling kind of light-headed, like a type of mania - why was that happening? I was going through a lot of stress, to do with work; somehow this must have broken through the capability of the medicine I was on - yet I also feel that the medicine was ceasing to work for me, like a kind of toxic reaction? I don't know. Why did I start to get 'unhinged' a few months before I collapsed from mental exhaustion?

Although I have been otherwise stable and without symptoms except for apparent paranormal sensitivity and mental disturbance, it seems I am still susceptible to full schizophrenic symptoms, given sufficient stress. That complicates matters. Rather than being someone who has come through schizophrenia, I am someone who will always be at risk of a schizophrenic breakdown.

PS This is a big deal for me, that I apparently could be subject to further breakdowns. I had looked on the second break I have had as a freak occurrence, forgetting that I was already "going off the rails" a little... I need to think about this, and analyse it to find the truth of it. It's unsettling to realise that I was wrong and am potentially still in danger of further illness, and should remain on medication (contrary to my preferences). It may be that I can live a normal life without medicine, but will always be in danger of another breakdown from stress - but that's true on medicine or off it, stress is a universal danger for people who have schizophrenia.

Thanks for reading.

Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds Meds

(Meds = medication)


This was originally going to be a blog about demedicating, about coming off the anti-psychotic major tranquillisers. I believe they are called major tranquillisers. They have been in the newspapers recently as the "chemical cosh" for the elderly demented, as actually causing damage to the brain. I read too that they chiefly serve as an emotional sedative - they dull your feelings; the writer described them as potentially a way of pacifying difficult people for the benefit and ease of society at large. What do I think? I am concerned by the thought of brain damage. I read too that not everyone needs them - some do fine without them, provided, the research said, that they had certain personal strengths before becoming ill, such as independence. Plus there's the 'can of worms' that is the fact that the scientists don't know the brain well at this stage in history and cannot say exactly how the medicine works anyway. Understanding is developing.

I would rather not take medicine.

I have had a setback recently. I have reduced, with medical consent, the dosage of the anti-psychotic, but find that I am 'sleeping round the clock'. The reduction and the sleeping seem to be related, and it's a fairly intolerable state. We'll see what the answer is; I'd rather not increase the dosage again.


I have had a period before, before diagnosis, of being untreated and ill, and things were not so bad. There were no major hallucinations, only some delusions persisting from my dramatic first breakdown. I had got ill from abusing the illegal drug cannabis - once I stopped taking it, I stopped getting hallucinations. Then I took medicine, upon being correctly diagnosed, and this cleared up my delusions relatively quickly. I feel that without medicine, I would be stable ( as I was then), I would feel better and be more alert, and be more creative (yes please), and I would sleep less, and eat less. I think it will surprise everyone in my family. They are doubtful of any of this - to an aggravating extent.

I have got to the stage that I can handle the 'symptoms' I still have well enough - God knows (excuse me), God knows the medicine has not changed the so-called magical persecutory syndrome I have; the medicine has never changed the mental sensations of intrusion and being harassed. I feel that I would be better off without the medicine.

Do I really need the medicine?
I had a problem two years ago. I gradually started to lose a sense of reality, had a breakdown from stress and stopped taking my anti-psychotic medicine and quickly became very ill. Does this mean that without the medicine I am very psychotic, or does it mean that the brain suddenly deprived of a strong medicine to which it has become accustomed rapidly turns psychotic in its activity? I think the latter, and according to one of my doctors, it's what happens when you suddenly stop taking the medicine. You feel great, healthy, happy, then soon decay into a psychotic break. I thought at the time that the medicine was bad for me - when they readministered it in psychiatric hospital, I noticed it caused an increase in distressing thoughts; whatever the truth of that is, the medicine was clearly becoming less effective, one way or another, whether being impeded through my increasing stress or on its own becoming toxic or less effective. Worryingly, it showed me that stress can bring me down - but that's the same for everyone. I am told that no medicine can prevent a break when it's from stress. So what would happen if I was off medicine and had a break from stress? I guess I would become delusional and have hallucinations. That's not good; but I would rather watch my stress levels and not take medicine, for the benefits of being medication-free and because of the health I believe I would have without the medicine.
Actually, my first breakdown happened from cannabis-overuse (and my natural 'allergy' to it); my second breakdown happened from stopping taking the medicine suddenly. Remember, I felt healthy at one stage in the process of stopping taking my medicine suddenly. These are both unusual events; unless I use cannabis again to that degree or stop taking the medicine suddenly, I presume I will be well.

Fortunately all this is my choice. No one is making me take the medicine, and the doctor has approved(grudgingly, but approved) my reduction and cessation of medication. I live in the UK, which, for all the bad press it gets for its foreign policy and actions abroad, is a country with integrity, where no one gets 'disappeared' by the government. There is no death penalty. This is a place that has respect for my human rights, that is leading civilisation in the right direction. I have a vote when it is election time. I have freedom of speech. And I have the right to live without medication for a diagnosed mental illness. Thank God; because I have come to a place of stability and intellectual lucidity that I think allows me to live without anti-psychotic medication.

I'm fairly sure I will continue to suffer without the medication, since there will still be the spiritual reality I deal with. Strange. However, it may well be that in time I reach a point of strength and control that heals my relation to the spiritual reality. Until then, as I said, I can cope with the condition I have. I certainly do not expect that the 'attacking' syndrome will get worse. I expect to feel more powerful as an individual through increased emotional range and depth, to be more normal in my social capacity through feeling more relaxed and having more 'fertility of thought'. These other changes will make life easier, just as they make it better.

A load of conjecture? I don't know for sure what will happen, but I've given an explanation, and I expect that I will remain stable and be happier, on the whole. There have been no mental changes so far, through a halving of the dose of medicine I was on. Let's hope it all works. There will be more updates as things progress.

To Medicate Or Not To Medicate

It occurred to me that some may find this blog, in a state of poor health and possibly afflicted by spiritual disturbance, and think that it would be enough to only seek out spiritual healing. Maybe it would be enough, but I would say try spiritual healing and talk to a doctor. Medication could do things for you that a healer may struggle to resolve. At the end of the day it's better to be well than to avoid the doctor.

Cultural Norms

Maybe there's something wrong in the details of what I'm writing/thinking, but sometimes I feel like I'm not sane, when I wholeheartedly believe that I am. Is this insight creeping in, you may think? No, actually it's My Culture. (!)

I was trying to write in my last post the suggestion that spirits were causing me depression by weighing me down with the force of their dislike for me - I had to stop, because it didn't sound sane. Then I thought, in some societies, firstly this would be an acceptable proposition, and secondly, they would be able to deal with it. There are some highly evolved spiritual traditions in the world that are not very well known, such as the oldest traditions of religion on Earth, of shamanic mediation between the Worlds of spiritual and material Reality.

It's hard for me to comment on this feeling of inadequacy that I had, because it's not so much a part of my experience anymore - things are easier for me now, I've healed. However, I still experience negative spiritual interactions, which may as well be taboo, because the frame of reference has largely fallen out of my culture - I can't discuss what I'm going through with my granny, for example, and very easily retain her respect. Ordinary people outside the spiritual healing profession have little everyday awareness of spirit trouble. You could say there is a lamentably low spiritual awareness in the First World, whether in medical science's consistently denying independent individuals' testimonies of problematic spiritual interaction or in the common awareness of what is or is not spiritually safe. But then as regards safety my condition is surely quite rare, it's within the esoteric realm - I even had trouble convincing some spiritual healers of what I have been going through. There must be a benefit to this lesser cultural awareness, though - less superstition, and also less sensitivity and thus less exposure to danger. Still, most people are not going to need psychic protection, either because they aren't sensitive, they don't put themselves at risk through drugs or unwise practices, or because their natural and ordinary benevolence bounces negativity away. I don't think that under normal circumstances a person will end up getting haunted, usually.

There's still the power in the Church. When I was last really ill, I went to a religious service in hospital; at communion I signified that I wished for a blessing instead of receiving the Host, and the priest made the sign of the cross in front of my head with the wafer - as he did so I felt the energy clear around my head and there was a moment of alleviation of psychic pressure.

I don't wish to turn "Science" into a sceptical Enemy, and bad-mouth every doctor, but I do think that the First World, though triumphing in places due to rational argument, also wears the belt of scepticism too tight. I have an experience that I can't talk about fairly, it seems; there's a blanket ban on my credibility in suggesting an unusual spiritual phenomenon may be happening to me.

I suppose my experience affirms to me two things: 1) that there is an afterlife; 2) that psychicness is real. I would also like to affirm to the reader that the circumstances of spiritual disturbance I am in are rare - I feel a duty of comfort and of balancing of perspective, since I am arguing in a way for the derangement of conventional boundaries, which I think may be frightening for those who are new to these beliefs. Also I affirm that Life has other purposes for me than to suffer, and it is my task to find and fulfil the true purpose of Life for myself.

Not very long ago, when praying for Divine Intervention - actually I was despairing/angry, I didn't understand why God, the Almighty Spirit, did not intervene to stop the frustrating and painful abuse of my mind - ... when praying for Divine intervention, I heard a voice say "You are to seek shamanic help". The voice was a 'higher' voice, trustworthy and female (and it sounded slightly impatient!) I trust that there is someone who can help me balance my relationship to the spiritual and restore my mental health.

I'm grateful for the medical treatment I've received (despite the laissez-faire "Here's some medicine, go away and good luck" kind of approach). Anti-psychotic medication I believe helped my brain heal so that I left behind all manner of delusions. The sense of interaction with an unfriendly mind remained, however, for all the years of treatment, and remains undiminished in its hostility. Since I was stable between the period when I was using cannabis intensively and the time when I was correctly diagnosed, I believe, given that I am used to the negative 'symptoms' I have, that Life without medicine is viable, for the sake of feeling more alive, and I will hopefully try this next year. It was my intention to write a blog charting this process of 'demedication', but I also wished to write about my world-view, and couldn't wait! I would suggest to anyone reading this that you should certainly have your doctor's approval before coming off medication. (My doctor grudgingly approves of my wish to be drug-free!)



Time. Time is a wonderful thing. I read that of all people with schizophrenia, one third have their illness resolved immediately after medication, one third are much improved after ten years, and one third never get better; I must be in that middle third. Time is a wonderful thing. I look forward to getting better. I am really starting to enjoy Life - and this will surely lead me back to full functionality.

As a closing note, I'd like to say, please don't be too afraid of darkness. Everyone has their own guardian angels and spirit guides who protect them. I blew my natural defenses using cannabis, which is unusual. If you're still worried learn about closing down the chakras for added safety(see earlier post and link). The best way to be safe, as many sources say, is to focus on Love; conversely fear (and unlovingness) endanger you. So relax!