I mentioned before that I had delusions of grandeur of a messianic variety extending into identifying myself as a prophet or saint. I'd like to write more about this now.
At the time of becoming ill I was using cannabis very intensively. I believe cannabis use brings on spiritual experience, though I had no understanding of this previously. I did not expect to have any mystical experiences, so when they came I was unprepared. The new experiences could not be integrated normally - I was left, being in a delusional state, believing that I was extra-special.
Before this episode in my Life, I was religious, but not spiritual, that is to say, I prayed and went to church, but I did not have a living, daily relationship with the great and greater being we call God.
The strength of holiness of my new experiences was such that I was left disorientated.
One day I was - and please excuse this - the Second Coming; another I was Moses, or a prophesied and universally loved saviour figure. I can still remember plunging an imaginary staff into the floor of my university bedroom to bring forth healing into the world, just as Moses broke a boulder with his staff to produce water for the Israelites. There is value in such experiences, still, I hold them special - they are valuable memories. If only I was an actor! I would have a wealth of feelings of grandeur to draw on.
Well, that was how I became paranoid, in my opinion.
I would like to add a note about sainthood. It is easy for someone spiritual in a delusionary state to believe themselves a saint. I did. (I'm glad to say that I no longer identify myself with any historical / biblical figure, nor think myself a saint).
I would now like to address the issue I see at the heart of delusions of grandeur: human worth. In short, I believe that it is impossible for someone to have delusions of grandeur! Our grandeur, as human beings and as Lifeforms is very great and very real.
OK, so this is an exaggeration, it is still possible to be delusional. What helps in those circumstances is this: not only do we have the word 'saint', we also have the word 'saintly'! There are degrees of saintliness. This helped me: that even though I may revere my wisdom, fortitude and spiritual wealth, surely I am not a miracle worker of full awareness, one of those people who we call saints - but can I not be 'saintly', still? This provides some satisfaction and consolation - and at the end of the day, this is an easier term to live with, than to try and live up to being a saint!
But where does the word 'saint' come from? The French for 'holy'! And is not all Life grand and holy and special! Admire its beauty, its ingenuity, its warmth even. From a religious perspective, we are all Created of One HOLY Creator, so we must have holiness and grandeur in relation to that Great One. In this respect, we are all saints! Yet still, the normal usage of the word 'saint' remains, and we are better off not confusing this usage.
How much better it would be for those of us experiencing breakdown if there were others there at the time who were able to say, "Yes! You are great!", to reassure a person of the grandeur they feel. Perhaps the central individual in question has had a spiritual awakening and has gained an intuitive feeling of their own true worth - wouldn't it be great to clarify this for them, and in the context of equality?
I have come to think that the worker ant can be equal with the queen ant, the foot soldier with the general, the subject with the monarch, and even the Christ with the follower. Always there are greater and lesser ones, but on one level there is equality still. You can identify yourself as great and not have to appropriate others' worth; you can identify yourself as great and remain humble.
I wish everyone who has difficulty assessing their worth the best of luck sifting truth from what is false. I hope this page has helped you.
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