My Story

Intensive cannabis use was my downfall - I mean it brought on psychosis in me; there is some debate in the public realm over whether this is possible, but for me it was unquestionably the case. I began to imagine that my then-girlfriend was benig unfaithful, to a horrible extent, which was heart-breaking and led to much conflict and turbulence between us. Breaking up with this innocent individual on the grounds of her causing me excessive stress, I went to university, where most of the people I socialised with in the halls of residence made up a group who smoked cannabis regularly; I took to smoking cannabis intenseively alone, as well as with the others. By this time I was using cannabis as a means to get closer to God, as I had had a spiritual awakening and a number of unusual experiences apparently of a mystical nature. It is very important to note as a constituent in my story that I entered a new stage of personal development through a spiritual awakening, ('spiritual awakening' simply means a combination of new and vital fervour in seeking God and probably also key personal experiences of a mystical nature). By and large the cannabis smoking brought me not the union with God that I desired, but truly hellish hallucinations; these hallucinations were of a nightmarish reality, experienced as real, wherein friends and family were subjected to all manner of the worst assaults, mutilation, and grisly and treacherous deaths. I myself was also the focus of horror in the guise of supposed persecution by mind-reading and merciless terrorists.

I stopped smoking cannabis when I moved away from my associates in the second year of university. A counsellor had identified that I had problems of a mental nature, which led to a diagnosis of depression. Although I was no longer experiencing such grand hallucinations, as mentioned above, my mental perception was compromised to the extent that it felt as if a protective shell had been damaged and removed and anyone in my presence could be aware, if spiritually sensitive, of my inner thoughts; secondly, since my breakdown I had many delusions of grandeur of a messianic variety, extending to prophethood and sainthood; thirdly, I experienced what seemed to be spiritual intrusion into my mind of acute frequency, with sensing an intention of injuring me by causing 'psychological' pain .
Briefly, my situation today is that the sense of openness remains, the symptoms of delusional grandeur have eroded over time, and the sense of intrusion has been an integral and painful part of my experience since my breakdown ten years ago.
P.S.: My speech capability was largely knocked out by the breakdown, though this has recovered; I still quite often feel awkward speaking though I am articulate in my writing. I also developed social phobia along with the first breakdown, which means I feel uncomfortable around others, except for my very closest family, and this remains unchanged.


One more thing: last year, I had a breakdown from stress; a regular breakdown, things got too much for me on the career front, I went to bed for two weeks, was kind of feverish, not eating and not taking my medicine... After two weeks I felt fine, in fact I felt very good, so I decided I didn't need my small daily dose of medication. Because I had stopped taking the medicine suddenly (instead of tapering off), I jacknifed into a full-blown episode of hallucination, similar to the one I had experienced many years ago, and I mostly lacked insight that I was not well. Once again the frightening hallucinations and beliefs occurred - but this time I was detached, and the misperceptions were easier to handle. I was taken to hospital, given a new kind of medicine and now I am back to the previous status quo - having an experience of openness and frequent 'intrusion'. For me, medicine does not block out such symptoms.

This brings me full circle. The first eighteen years of my life were totally free of psychosis. I have had an unusual coming of age charctersied by an alternative perspective on Life and much solitude, and now I am well enough to consider coming off the medicine I take. The psychiatrist who supervises me grudgingly agrees to me attempting Life unmedicated, for which I am grateful. I believe that since my condition is stable, I won't experience any adverse effects, and I am habituated to handling my difficult symptoms. I intended to write a blog charting my decrease in medication and any changes that occur afterwards, but I couldn't wait!, since I also intended to write putting forward my argument for the inclusion of a spiritual perspective alongside the rational perspective that dominates current Western mainstream psychiatric thinking. I hope to write about coming off medicine too, next year (2010).