Since becoming ill, I have had a setback in certain aspects of my health - in my sociability (emotions, speech and spontaneity), becoming quite withdrawn and being afraid of encountering my fellow human beings; I had a setback in the lucidity and accuracy of my thinking; I had a challenge to my world-view, which seemed to be disorientated and 'rebooted' (I literally felt like a new person). I also had these symptoms of apparent disturbances to my thinking and feeling, as if another person in spirit watches me and seeks to injure me through my mind.
All of my symptoms change and alleviate, barring the daily influx of low-evolved mentality - I mean barring the apparent malicious disturbances to my thinking and feeling that I believe involve an external and objective reality. So my speech improves, my social graces improve, my thinking has clarified and my world-view has re-emerged from innocence into grounded stability.
And still I am not in full health. The basic effect of the disturbance is distress, and generally, is then my being unnaturally put into 'depression', as we often call it, or heaviness of emotion, fatigue and reluctance to take part in the world. Whatever you define the reality of my condition as, these 'symptoms' of depression and frequent distress are how I, rightfully, earn the financial support of the British people in the form of disability benefits. But I do not accept these benefits of citizenship lightly, I accept them with humble gratitude, and hope to repay these favours in the future.
Health to me is not only feeling good and thinking in the same way as the consensus about the major things in Life it is being able to express this state of mind; as far as I am concerned, my health is good now, except as it is repressed by these overbearing forces of aggression - so to me health is being able to express myself, to live in the Light and to spread the joy I feel, and to be able to pursue my desires in the outer world.
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