Thursday 10 February 2011

Insight Into Psychic Well-Being vs Psychic Protection




The Creator within creation, that is who you are. The Divine Light and awareness within a human experience, that is who you are. Humanity and the material experience is awakening its awareness within your life, your body, your experience, and it is in a sense lifting up all those things that have been imbedded or bound. Then your being, the great light, the love that you work with and call forth in healing is perhaps chasing them away. Perhaps it is to dissolve, perhaps it is to leave. Do you understand? There is not a separation. Perhaps the place to look is that place that says ‘I have to control’.




[Additional reflection from Spirit: To us it is a place of where a person is sitting when they ask the question. If they are sitting in a place of saying these negative energies are coming into me, what can I do to protect myself, to transform them, what can I do…….that is a place that they are then sitting. And it is a place where there is still limitation, because they are not allowing their greater divinity to be present within that experience. They are containing their divinity within their identity. The containment again, the security. You can say I am Divine, it lives within me. I AM…….all these things you can say, but unless there is a surrender to the fullness of experiencing, of feeling of that experience, then there is a limit, a containment around it, a control of sorts. Anytime you are challenged and there is something that is not in your control, it is an opportunity to expand and surrender to the greater being that you are. At that time it is ‘go bigger’, expand, not control and protect more.]



Some Simple Logic On My Paranormal Schizophrenia

Psychic + Trouble is not equal to Psychotic

Psychic + Trouble + Former Psychosis is not equal to Psychotic Now

Psychic + Trouble + Former Psychosis + Some Mistakes In Thinking Now is not equal to Psychotic Now




Psychosis does not disclude being psychic.
I have been psychotic. If I am really psychic now, then I am not psychotic now, because my only symptoms of mental disease are to do with supposed paranormal extra sensory psychic pehenomena happening now.

It may not be in your personal or social experience that someone can be psychic or very psychic, but I urge you to consider that the possiblity is real.

Does the Western-based medical psychiatric system have all the answers to the human mind?
I say that it does not. It is a modern, recent science that mislabels the personal truth of masses and of ancient cultures.
THERE IS A GREATER DIMENSION TO HUMAN LIFE! There is a 'spiritual', or 'extra-sensory' reality.

Wednesday 9 February 2011

Consequences: Why I Am Where I am

I asked myself today, what are the causes that lead to the consequences of my being psychotic and experiencing psychic attack?

The simple answer: it was using cannabis, without understanding or initiation.

I was not prepared for the potential of cannabis to cause fearful anxiety, nor for its potential to induce spiritual experiences. Both of those factors resulted in a downfall for me, as I became terribly anxious, then withdrawn, delusional and had hallucinations as the fear increased; I also opened up spiritual sensitivity - both to God and to the spirit reality. 
Cannabis can actually be a mystical aid in its spiritualising properties, and the possibilities of spiritual opening are best prepared for with some kind if teaching, to prevent paranoia and to ground a person to avoid sudden change of personality and outlook. 

As for attracting spirit attack, this could have come about through the general toxic mindset I had at the time of breakdown, being full of fear and having perceptions of evil and horrible hallucinations, and because spirits from realms of less Divine Light awareness can be drawn to those on Earth whose inner light is blossoming through spiritual awakening [I read recently that spirits can be drawn to those who are spiritually awakening].



This was supposed to be a simple post! I was just going to write that I got into this difficulty through using cannabis without knowing what it could do.

Theory Of Having A Disposition To Psychosis AND To Psychic Sensitivity

A theory for the spiritual believers among the readership of Diagnosis: Schizophrenia!: here is a 'what if' scenario for you.


What if, just as some people have a natural disposition to psychosis, given the necessary circumstances and emotional conditions, maybe some of the same people also have a natural disposition to 'psychic' receptivity! Then you will have someone who will have a psychotic breakdown and psychic awakening at the same time [or psychic and / or spiritual awakening at the same time as a psychotic breakdown]. This would account for a dual situation of psychosis and psychic phemonena in the same individual.

This will be especially true if someone has been over-using spiritualising drugs, for example cannabis, as I did. (The really important thing to know about cannabis, for education and safety, is that it can be spiritualising, it can take you deeper - it's not just for fun and relaxation.) This is because any psychoactive drug can cause mental ill health - and if they are actively spiritualising as well, it makes sense that they will lead to an awakening of psychic receptivity. And that equates to a hard time - not just being misunderstood, but yourself misunderstanding and getting a bit lost by being 'delusional' and psychic at once, feeling self-doubt and possibly the negative situation of having an excess of sensitivity or having problems with negative energies or thought-forms.

I think all that sounds pretty reasonable, if you have a spirituality-inclusive world-view. It feels nice to 'talk' to the spiritually-minded! Usually I am defending my views, as if to "an unbeliever"! (Apologies if you are feeling left out, you who do not believe in an extra-sensory reality).

Tuesday 8 February 2011

Doc Drops The C-Word! Clozapine/Clozaril

I went to the doctor today and reported to him that in my last mini-depression I thought of self-harming and suicide. It is unusual for me to think of self-harming, but fairly regular for me to think of suicide in my depressive periods (which last up to five days). The reason is usually overwhelming irritation of my mind due to high levels of thought disturbance, namely of the experience of apparent intrusion into my mind by unwelcome spirit-people.

It's getting serious!

The doc upped my anti-depressants by 50%, did not describe an anti-anxiolytic for intermittent use as I was expecting, and suggested changing my anti-psychotic to clozapine. If you didn't know, clozapine is the drug that reaches the parts of your mind that other drugs cannot... If you are "treatment-resistant", then doctors may recommend clozapine, a powerful drug that requires patients to be monitored for white blood cell count anomalies and for blood pressure changes. Looking up about clozapine today, I was a bit scared by the side effects that can occur, such as myocarditis, a heart disorder that can result in cardiac failure (and physical expiration).


I still believe there are paranormal psychic phenomena going on in my life, and that these unusual phenomena are not hallucinations but real perceptions of spiritual reality. However, if a drug could take away those phenomena... I would be grateful.

My mood: I am feeling a bit gung-ho about the idea of taking a drug which could kill me. However, I feel hopeful about the prospects of improving under this medicine. But my white blood cell count is low; normal but low - and this may affect whether or not I can successfully be allowed to  be treated with clozapine.


We shall see.


I am savouring the idea of being without mental disturbance. It's an amazing thought. "It would be a miracle if it worked," I told the doc.


Also, next to the frightening possibility of fatal side effects, are the probability of significant sedation and increased appetite. I weigh 15 stone at present; the normal for my height is maximum 13.5 stone. I know what it's like to be 17.5 stone, after the increased appetite I had on Olanzapine. This weight gain brings a risk of diabetes.


Right now I'm feeling my mortality.I don't wish my family to bury me any time soon (whatever the pain sensations are during depression).

I'd like to take this medicine. I'm thinking about my future and my purpose and my ambitions - I had planned to go to university this year, but if I'm heavily sedated and in need of frequent tests... Maybe I will postpone or abandon my plans. Hard thought.


My brother asked me what I would like to try, if anything, what is there in the world that could help me get better, other than this medicine? My answer was apparently not realistic. "I would like to be totally looked after and to have a forest I could walk around."
Then I remembered the area near the psychiatrist's office where I had been earlier today. I had got off the bus early to enjoy the walk. There were the most exquisite pine woods there... such a delight to see. Ironically they were in the grounds of a former asylum (a place where I could have gone to convalesce and been totally looked after, had I lived in another time). That very large pine wood would have been enough of a forest for me.
It makes sense that if self-neglect is an issue sometimes, then a person would benefit from being 'totally looked after' all the time. I don't have that. I live alone; I wouldn't want to give anyone, like my mother, a responsibility of care for me. But I guess it's difficult for me, it adds a fair degree of stress to be looking after myself.

That pine wood was a place of dreams, a place where all your cares would vanish... If you feel stress, I wish you happy times in nature.


With best wishes,

Mr. S.



Monday 7 February 2011

Condition Summary


In addition to previous schizophrenic symptoms of hallucination and delusion, I experience painful spiritual phenomena based around past trauma, personal power, and the ability of other beings to be energetically 'attached' to me. These spiritual symptoms are as follows:



Telepathic psychological abuse, also described as mental domination by spirits, is the central element in the condition. It operates by thought disturbance, by forceful manipulation of thinking and attention rather than by heard voices.

Spiritual domination following damage to aura by extensive cannabis use can also be accompanied by spiritual possession of telepathic faculties that may harm others, whenever possible. Pronounced psychic awareness was developed or awakened by cannabis use, and is now disadvantageously serving to allow psychic attack by spirits (for unknown reason) and signalling the presence of ghosts.

Voices of ghosts are frequently heard, which can be as painful as psychological abuse sometimes. Not only experiencing psychic nudity, but sharing space with ghosts and experiencing no physical privacy.



But enough of complaints, enough of what is spoken partly through suffering!

I have close spiritual friends also, through the gift of clairaudience communicating with spirits from 'Heaven' who visit and attend to me apparently constantly. I have a strong belief in an afterlife, and hence in a spiritual reality and in God. I am 'spiritual' and happy!

Secondly, I am gaining spiritual mastery, learning about primal creativity - manifestation - and how to control it in a positive loving way.

Thirdly, I am helping to change the beliefs of the world via this blog, sabotaging (!) in a small way the split between science and the traditional spiritual beliefs of the world, in favour of a more flexible system of medical psychology. I recognise that I have become a parapsychologist with useful knowledge to complement my useful parapsychic abilities.

Fourthly, I may actually get better, and mostly through my own efforts. These efforts will be spiritual; I will also have to work on my emotions, thoughts and perceptions of my life history.

There it is!
Good luck to all of you. May you understand and feel free.

This Just In! I've Found The Answer... Again...

I had another "aha" moment while on the net today. I had opened a book up recently and found reference to the aura (the bubble that keeps our subtle energy machinery intact), and how its outer surface is slightly tougher. The aura has a skin, a 'membrane'. So I searched "auric membrane", and one search item caught my attention, because it mentioned psychic attack. This website, http://www.lightsmith.com/ turns out to be an excellent site, to my tastes, for 'channeled information' - a New Age term for information that is received by psychically sensitive individuals from spirits. In effect, the spirits speak through people who are on Earth in dense material form.

Anyway, here's the latest information I've found, courtesy of the aformentioned website, and here is the link to the page for you to look for yourself:

Psychic attack is only possible when the auric membrane has trauma or damage.


Two things: it's like there's no mental barrier, so it's easy for spirits to know what goes through my mind. They can just come in and manipulate my thoughts, being stronger. Secondly, as I have written before, cannabis use weakens natural auric defenses: when I got ill, I remember having the sensation that others knew my thoughts, as I walked by them on the street. Could it be that I have experienced the sensation of the schizophrenic symptom of 'thought broadcasting' ever since my cannabis use, because my auric membrane was damaged? Another website says that the auric membrane can become fragmented. Certainly there is [the appearance of] psychic vulnerability and psychic nudity in my position. (Psychic nudity by the way, for me at least, feels uncomfortable).


In another page of this website, found here, the Spirit group channelled offer information on possession. Briefly, possession occurs when a soul is weakened, probably due to trauma, and a stronger soul imposes itself upon the weaker soul, not for real love, but for lower ego ends. Again, damage to the auric membrane is cited as a contributing factor. In other words, your energy becomes permeable, open to outside influences. With me there are two problems: spirit attachment, and psychic attack by spirits. The second problem, spirit attack, is mainly described as manipulation of my mental activity to painful ends. But it does not stop at domination, as stated elsewhere on this blog, disturbance also extends to temporary possession of my telepathic faculties, so that I might be a transmitter - a medium or channel - of unhealthy energies to injure others; I feel them projecting from my third eye, and I'm aware of their force or words. (A force will call attention to an uncomfortable idea, and a voice will communicate the idea in words). Obviously there are karmic issues here, but should I come to be free from this negative telepathic influence on me, then I should quickly 'burn off' this karmic debt.

Interestingly, the website also says that any kind of victim consciousness, or "I don't want to be here" consciousness, or "I'm not strong enough for this" thinking will work against a person who is already in the flow of being possessed or dominated in mind - it will draw them further into 'manifesting' this reality, and it will put them further into the invading soul's power. Makes sense, as all those sad thoughts are essentially affirmations of weakness. This is important for me, because I can think like this sometimes.

A solution the spirit speakers suggest is to claim personal responsibility. It makes sense that we become stronger by rebuilding our personal power.

The first page linked to above lists various ways of helping with a damaged aura that is permitting psychic attack, and the information is definitely worth looking at. It recommends working with the Earth energy, the angelic realm and unconditional love, and finding a true healer who is in tune with unconditional love.


I've been ransacking that website for information for hours! Their Responses From Spirit pages are very interesting (and have relieved me of a number of spiritual worries).


Nice to be validated to the effect
  • mental domination by stronger spirits can happen
  • there is an explanation for this mental domination
  • there is a solution to this mental domination
  • psychic attack can happen
... and the people at http://www.lightsmith.com/ have authority I don't have, because they do not seem mentally ill. I however have had mental illness and these psychic problems with 'strong' souls from the lower astral realm, beings not yet ascended to Light and love.


On the plus side, I have realised that all this has made me into a parapsychologist!

So, please accept my (borrowed) sharings and detective work on the role of the auric membrane in mental suffering that is conditional to spiritual interactions.

Saturday 5 February 2011

Ups and Downs

This morning I was trying to edit my writing and my (deceased) father was obstructing me.

I appreciate it does not seem to be celestial behaviour to obstruct people's freedom in this way; these are also my sentiments - it does not seem right, so I resist it, and I get angry.

Without alienating my dad entirely, I'd like to write that today I thought I was the luckiest person on the planet because of the celestial assistance I am given. A number of people come down every day and keep company with me, and in ways that make me feel very lucky. They're friends.

Apart from my dad, no one tries to overrule my choices. But I understand that he loves me and wants the best for me (although I may not understand why he does what he does); that's what I understand of his motivation, at least. I get very angry with him.

I have written before about my dad and his strange obstruction of my mental processes and liberty. But today I mean to write about how lucky I am to have friends in Heaven - and to note how lucky I am to have firm faith that Life goes on.


PS I carried on editing my poetry. It wasn't as easy as it can be, but I did it anyway. I can be stubborn - but unfortunately/fortunately, I got it from my father!! So he didn't let up as I stared at the page for two hours or so! I love him, he loves me, we differ in our definitions of love... 

Thursday 3 February 2011

Meds Part 2: The Search For Pain-Management

I am seeing my consultant psychiatrist shortly, having arranged a meeting to discuss medication. I think doc thinks my condition is moderate, causing me manageable discomfort and disturbance to daily life - and that's not always true for me, sometimes the condition is severe, and I suffer great pain that I struggle to manage constructively. I don't wish to be explicit, but obviously you can guess what kind of thoughts a person has when their pain peaks to intolerable levels.

I will ask the doctor to address this, and I presume (and hope) he will prescribe me with a strong benzodiazepene for the hard periods I get, which come roughly and regularly twice every five weeks or so.

Mantra: . We have to affirm the power of the human spirit, and the power of the human spirit in conjunction with faith in something or someone. Still, medicine is a good thing. I can see that the right medicine could make my life much easier. [Anti-psychotics do not reduce or remove the active/positive symptoms of my illness, I mean hearing voices, feeling influenced, thought disturbance etc., all of which is painful and can be overwhelming, as described].


So I really hope this can be treated. I have been angry, feeling failed by the medical profession over this (having previously asked a few times for something to treat this); but now I understand that the doctor didn't really realise how bad things can be for me.

Here's hoping...

Drugs and Drug Dependency

I write this article from my own perspective, having had a relatively extended period of dependence on cannabis (hemp/marijuana).

Cannabis is often called a recreational drug... But when does 'recreation' turn into 'occupation', I mean, what leads a person to intoxicate themselves on a very frequent basis in a mood of depression or whilst being out of touch with daily life?

Lets look at the words. We can call drugs many things; somehow the descriptive word 'recreational' has stuck to cannabis. I'd like to work with that a little.

Cannabis certainly works as a recreational drug, providing the entertainment of real hysterical amusement and laughter, and inducing positive feelings of ease and relaxation. For some that is enough. I think for others though, including myself, these recreational sensations are more desirable - and why? Perhaps we feel as if there is not enough happiness and peace in our lives, not enough rest and play: we resort to a way of inducing recreational sensation artificially to replace a recreational deficit.

Or maybe "a cigar is just a cigar". Sigmund Freud, the great psychologist, was asked why he was forever smoking cigars, when cigars can be considered as having a phallic shape (Sigmund Freud made great progress in understanding the role of sexual tension in our society as it was when he was alive - which is still relevant today). Maybe, therefore, we find pleasure in a drug and naturally seek more of it, pleased with what we have found, and then become attached to the pleasure, as we might to any other - perhaps that is a satisfactory explanation of drug dependence, where it is not very obviously physically addicting or sought as a meanas of emotional relief.

Maybe too often we as a society second guess ourselves, and our real motivation, post Freud, and do so needlessly. Maybe there is not always actually "something missing" in our lives when we turn recreational drug use into a full-time occupation, - maybe it is just initially about pleasure, finding and exploring pleasure. But how effective or safe might it be to to use artificial means of inducing pleasurable states? Surely things can go wrong - whether mental illness creeps in, or we grow attached to the drug, or unexpected changes in consciousness occur due to taking in the drug. Also, if you forget where you were when you began using a drug a lot, then you are in danger of becoming trapped in your personal growth if things develop unexpectedly.

I was not abnormally prone to depression when I started using cannabis often. And I look back and can see that the laughter that came from using cannabis in the beginning of my relationship with it, which was among close friends, - that laughter reflects a happiness I had probably not known as much since early childhood. Just moments of it, but a number of moments. Laughing at something so hard you can't breath for about a minute! Sharing laughs.
Probably my psychological problems began with the deeper states that cannabis can bring, rather than the light euphoric states.

This is why earlier I loosely questioned the use of the word 'recreational' to describe cannabis. In different times and places around the world it is and has been used as a 'mystcial' drug and as a 'shamanic' drug. That's not recreational, not something to be played with! Not something to be ignorant about. Controversially, perhaps we are safer if we do not attempt to go too deeply in association with cannabis in-take.

After a while then, I began to see cannabis as offering me a channel towards Divine union: I was taking in the drug cannabis to offer me more feelings of spiritual wholeness. From recreational use, my use changed into mystical use, but one with attachment and without much insight. No wonder I felt holy and grandiose. First came major delusional jealousy then delusions and hallucinations. The delusional jealousy ended when I left my then-girlfriend, the hallucinations stopped with cessation of cannabis use, and the delusions of a paranoid and grandiose nature gradually subsided with anti-psychotic medication, but I have still been left with a daily experience of painfully disturbed thinking and mental awareness.

I think education is a good thing. I mean drug education for the young, for all ages. Cannabis is not just fun, it is spiritual as well. It probably requires some kind of initiation or guidance for deeper relationship with it, to safeguard against madness and allow full personal growth. It requires use in an appropriate condition - favourable environment, true understanding and emotional stability and peacefulness are all important (or all-important, if you wish to avoid a syndrome that damages person and society).
PS People also need to know that cannabis can lead you to focus on very fearful thinking, and that those thoughts can become mental habits in the form of pronounced anxiety (often anxiety concerning social relationships, a natural precursor to full social phobia). That's why environment, companions, emotions, and understanding are very important - if any of those factors are unfavourable (i.e. an unpleasant environment, with unfriendly companions, whilst feeling sad or unsettled, and not knowing what to expect from the drug intake) the result may well be frightening and possibly cause mental illness immediately or in the long term. Scientists say that mental illness is particularly a risk for younger cannabis users, up until the middle of young adulthood, around the age of thirty, some say, due to psychological maturity. But for a balanced view, let's not forget that cannabis is well-tolerated by many, who enjoy its effects, and let's remember that the decriminalisation or legalisation of cannabis is a contemporary issue for world governments, and that there are numerous groups lobbying for a group-decision in favour of free use of cannabis. Also, even as someone who used cannabis and became insane and suffered greatly, I can't deny that there are others for whom the herb is a friend (at the very least, as an aid to pain-management for some). Hopefully cannabis will be reinstated as a medically useful substance one day, because of it's pain-modifying properties. And perhaps its euphoric properties could be adapted into a safe medicine to treat depression.
Finally, it occurred to me today, that often we look to drugs to relieve sadness that comes about through the way we behave as a species - when that behaviour could be different. Not to ignore our merits, but we could be a more caring society (and a more free society). In as far as that is true, ultimately, people around the world will either take drugs or change their minds and feelings depending on what seems to be more preferable. Some use of psychedelic drugs, for example, is currently approved by legal courts around the world; there  may be a larger niche for this in our society, as something we consider has a place, but I think really, we will change a lot to adapt to the presence of a variety of drugs in our society, negating the desire for their use. We will become more harmonious, and happier, and more respectful of individuality and individual freedoms. In conclusion, in this way people will feel full, whole and fulfilled, open to a very wide range of positive emotions without recourse to narcotic assistance. And I imagine that spirituality would have a more accepted position in society, so that people will be free and encouraged to find their own truth. Tomorrow will be different. Through sorrow or willingly, we will create a happier society, where there is fulfilment and no want, and where nobility is not selective but universal.




There. Just some insights. And I didn't mention ESP once... I hope all that has been valuable to you.

Tuesday 1 February 2011

Feelings

Today I woke up late, which made me angry. How late? 1730. After about 16 hours of sleep.  (Why?)

I then proceeded to try and work on my writing, but my father seemed frustrated with this, and God-knows-how, interfered with and partially obstructed my mind to the effect that I could not think creatively about what I was doing. This made me angrier. Why does he obstruct me when I am already feeling low? Why don't my spirit helpers stop him influencing me like that?

So I called him 'every name under the sun', and am now "the son of an idiot"; there it is. Better to be angry than despair in ultimate ways.

I am not responding to this very constructively right now, but at least am not following a darker route, which has been flitting across my mind this evening.


Let's take a roll call of conditions:
  • schizophrenic-type illness
  • depression
  • exhaustion/fatigue
That's a lot of stress.
But I have much to be thankful for - externally, things are as good as they could be!

I'm sorry to complain. I guess I'd rather be working happily on my writing. I'll let you into a secret: I am hoping to build a career in creative writing. I have a talent for writing.

Some months after he died (nearly 5 years ago), I was thinking about what to do with my life career-wise, and I heard my father's voice joyfully say that I am a born writer. So why does he obstruct me today (and on other days)?


Mysteries, mysteries.


I become very angry, hateful even (hence "son of an idiot"). Don't like.


Maybe this post is useful. A window into the world I live in.

Psychic Attack

I have had a new idea about psychic attack, of how to describe it.


To reiterate, I claim that I experience psychic attack by spirits, and this earns me a diagnosis of psychosis by those experts in psychology unbelieving in such things. [I'm sorry, I wrote 'experts' in psychology, in a bitter way.]


I mentioned in my last post that there are varying recognised positive/active symptoms of schizophrenia, including hearing voices, feeling malignly influenced, and thinking one's thoughts are being controlled or negatively affected.


In trying to describe this to my mother the other day, I used the analogy of a bully. She couldn't understand how it is I was being 'hurt'. "Is it the voices?" she said.


To sidetrack, the type of spirits causing an apparent focused psychic attack on me do not just use their voices, but use mental force; I feel forces on my thoughts, 'pushing' them into painful avenues, (so I think about things that make me painfully uncomfortable). The voices I hear come from celestial and earthbound spirits, (and the mental traffic caused by close proximity with the earthbound spirits can be a major cause of stress).

So, really, the hurting can either be from psychic attack, or from being spiritually overwhelmed. To use the bully analogy, the attack is like a bully hurting me not just by "calling me names", but by physically hurting me. Except it's all at the mental level. This is the symptom of thoughts being interfered with in ways that have a negative impact.

But psychic attack can come in the form of feeling malignly influenced, as well, of feeling as if a dark cloud has been put over you, that brings sadness and bad luck. And I have that too.



So there is a division of belief in the world about psychic influence.
  • One side is based on experience and is well-described in traditional belief
  • The other side is based on science - on scientific method and proof, and is a newly emerging but highly authoritative school of thought.
If that unsettles you, then good, it should. I hope you think twice about applying materialistic logic to claimed spiritual experience. And maybe the rest of us could do to be less 'superstitious', in general, too.