I've given conflicting messages on this blog, and I'd now like to sort them out.
In one post I say that psychoactive drugs can be used responsibly in some conditions, and are beneficial to humanity under those conditions. In another post I write that psychoactive drugs can cause insanity (as they certainly did in me).
That psychoactive drugs can cause insanity is a medical fact. Another fact is that this is not the cause for everyone, but for those with a history of mental illness in themselves or their family, and those with a genetic predisposition to insanity - others may not have problems with their sanity and go on to give the taking of psychoactive drugs its reputation for being a worthwhile pursuit. But even those who remain mostly sane can suffer from addiction, and all manner of side effects such as poverty and criminality and social rejection and even death.
So there are two things being said there - that psychoactive drugs can A) cause insanity, but B) not in everyone. But I'm not a doctor. All I know is what I've read and what happened to me. However, if I had a child who wished to take psychoactive drugs, and I couldn't stop them from doing so, I'd wish them to be careful.
South Carolina, Switzerland and Israel are currently experimenting with psychedelics... see the bottom section of the Wikipedia page on psychedelic therapy . It may be that this becomes a mainstream way of helping people cope with death, trauma and other serious aspects of the human condition. I don't know much about these experiments, but presume that low doses are being used to avoid causing mental illness. Lets not forget that medicinal use of cannabis to relieve pain is permitted in parts of the world (I just wonder how those users cope with the health risk - and then how governments cope with the risk of being sued for damages by those who become permanently and incurably insane from using prescription medicines).
One factor that emerged from psychedelic research was that set and setting are important. This amounts to being careful what circumstances you take a drug in and how you are mentally prepared for the occasion. The theory is that correct set and setting will minimise the danger of adverse psychological reactions to a drug. So if that dear loved one of mine were wishing to find out what a psychoactive drug is like, and I couldn't stop them, I'd wish for them to take care of the set and setting of use.
Many psychoactive drugs have a history of indigenous use around the world, but we don't know much about their health - presumably those many cultures believed the benefits to outweigh the risks.
I believe that the correct set and setting would emphasise the aesthetic whilst reducing stressors, including the subject engaging only with people they wholly and habitually trust.
I'll say again, this discussion should not be thrown away on the grounds of it being controversial, it should not be condemned but approached with an open mind: limited legality of psychedelic drugs may become a fact of life, to treat serious medical conditions. Like morphine versus heroin, there may be permitted use of psychedelics while a street culture of use continues. Perhaps psychedelic therapy will lead to an understanding
that asylums for the mentally ill should likewise have the optimum set and setting, - emphasising the aesthetic while limiting stressors within a social situation of pure kindness and trust.
This does not come down to a pro- or anti-drug stance on my behalf. I've said before that our maturity in handling psychedelics is variable, as a species. Secondly misuse of psychedelics is extremely costly, both to the self and the society that cares for the self. But is there a place for psychoactive drugs in society? We will see.
Thursday 22 July 2010
Why I Am Ill
I became ill because of intensive use of the intoxicant cannabis.
I was always well before. I was a fairly good student who got good grades. I smoked cannabis with friends, then with one other person, then alone, using it heavily over an eleven month period.
Cannabis brought me great heights of suffering in hallucinations that lasted weeks, and has brought me great widths of suffering off and on through every day over TEN years. Almost all my adult life has been changed through using cannabis.
Cannabis induced schizophrenia in me - besides the spiritual awakening induced by the mystical properties of the intoxicant, cannabis induced schizophrenia in me.
I will never use the intoxicant cannabis again.
Cannabis is not without side effects even if it does not trigger psychosis, whether through slowing the mind down as the medical advocates say, or through polluting and weakening the aura as the spiritual advocates say. Still, one puff can trigger depression (as it did in Goldie Hawn), and there is much evidence that heavy use by youths and young adults leads to schizophrenia, which I can tell you is a very serious health problem. I do not doubt that cannabis can cause schizophrenia.
I am also ill because I became psychologically dependent on cannabis, believing that it was the gateway to feeling the love of God and being unified with God. As more valuable experiences came to me, the more dependent I became, but I also became more sick.
Looking beyond the purported psychological effects of taking any psychoactive drug, you can always still know God by safe means.
I was always well before. I was a fairly good student who got good grades. I smoked cannabis with friends, then with one other person, then alone, using it heavily over an eleven month period.
Cannabis brought me great heights of suffering in hallucinations that lasted weeks, and has brought me great widths of suffering off and on through every day over TEN years. Almost all my adult life has been changed through using cannabis.
Cannabis induced schizophrenia in me - besides the spiritual awakening induced by the mystical properties of the intoxicant, cannabis induced schizophrenia in me.
I will never use the intoxicant cannabis again.
Cannabis is not without side effects even if it does not trigger psychosis, whether through slowing the mind down as the medical advocates say, or through polluting and weakening the aura as the spiritual advocates say. Still, one puff can trigger depression (as it did in Goldie Hawn), and there is much evidence that heavy use by youths and young adults leads to schizophrenia, which I can tell you is a very serious health problem. I do not doubt that cannabis can cause schizophrenia.
I am also ill because I became psychologically dependent on cannabis, believing that it was the gateway to feeling the love of God and being unified with God. As more valuable experiences came to me, the more dependent I became, but I also became more sick.
Looking beyond the purported psychological effects of taking any psychoactive drug, you can always still know God by safe means.
Prognosis
1) My illness is steadily being ironed out.
I owe a lot to anti-psychotics (but they owe me some, too). They helped me get over delusions, but they have also been dangerous - they were as bad as cannabis in producing a psychotic break when I stopped taking my medicine suddenly (through stress).
Still I'm left with painful 'symptoms' of mental suffering - and the doc won't prescribe me any tranquillisers to take away the considerable pain - again good and bad, no addiction, but still some extremely painful and difficult days.
2) I think I've done myself enough psychic damage to last me most of my life - I think spiritually it will be a long time before I recover. Read this for a spiritual perspective into the psychic damage that can be caused by cannabis use. It's not just the psychiatrists who warn us not to use cannabis.
I think, in twelve years and more, at the current rate of progress, I should be free of mental intrusion from the astral.
I feel it could be another thirty years before I integrate the psychic changes that using cannabis intensively has caused me, but by then I should be quite highly developed as a psychic. We'll see. I'd also like to give something back to society in the mean time, if possible.
I owe a lot to anti-psychotics (but they owe me some, too). They helped me get over delusions, but they have also been dangerous - they were as bad as cannabis in producing a psychotic break when I stopped taking my medicine suddenly (through stress).
Still I'm left with painful 'symptoms' of mental suffering - and the doc won't prescribe me any tranquillisers to take away the considerable pain - again good and bad, no addiction, but still some extremely painful and difficult days.
2) I think I've done myself enough psychic damage to last me most of my life - I think spiritually it will be a long time before I recover. Read this for a spiritual perspective into the psychic damage that can be caused by cannabis use. It's not just the psychiatrists who warn us not to use cannabis.
I think, in twelve years and more, at the current rate of progress, I should be free of mental intrusion from the astral.
I feel it could be another thirty years before I integrate the psychic changes that using cannabis intensively has caused me, but by then I should be quite highly developed as a psychic. We'll see. I'd also like to give something back to society in the mean time, if possible.
"Delusions Of Reference": What It's Like On The Inside
Delusions of reference, as I understand it, is when you watch TV or films, or listen to music or the radio etc, and think that there is some personal communication going on between you and the media involved, when there isn't.
When I get this, I feel a surge of force coming in apparently from outside me, with hostile intent attached to said force, and then some negativity will leave me like an arrow fired from a bow - and the negativity will be some very deprecating observation intended to cause emotional injury, and this apparent communication occurs more on a dimension of knowing than on a verbal telepathic basis.
OK, so in the spiritual outlook, people have varying degrees of sensitivity. Some people may be aware of being stared at from behind (the famous scenario when you're sitting on the bus/train and feel someone reading your newspaper over your shoulder). Some people may be responsive to others brooding over their personal faults. Some people can go through life, living three score and ten years, and never have a psychic spiritual experience of any kind. Then you have Colin Fry, Gordon Smith, Derek Acorah - the fully-functioning mediums, people born with great spiritual sensitivity. Me? I claim to be clairaudient, and disagree that 'hearing voices' is always a sign that a brain is malfunctioning and producing perceptual distortions/auditory hallucinations. I also believe in telepathy, which is some form of direct mind-to-mind communication. Most often it is supposed to occur under episodes of heightened emotion, and even then it depends upon someone sensitive to 'send' the thought. With me, I feel psychically 'naked' in public, as if my telepathic side is broken, and some of my mental energy is forced out of me. This is more pronounced when watching television, listening to radio and so on, and I most often have a sense of interference so that a hostile energy causes me to make a telepathic connection. I usually feel that some connection is made, so I avoid mass media, to keep my karma good (!!).
If you were following this, I may have lost you in the last paragraph. Surely if everyone schizophrenic is watching a TV program, they can't all be telepathically communicating with, say, the presenter?
Well, I can only say that the interference of a hostile person seems real, the negativity most likely feels like it does engage with the intended person. [By the way, the same interference on a knowing level occurs to injure me, normally, when the disturbance is more distant than 'local' (local being negative interactions with 'ghosts' around me)]. I wish it were not so. I like watching TV and films at will, but I abstain, partly because I believe that a disturbance is happening, and partly because I don't like the experience of having intrusion and interference. I don't think that my situation is so common. When I have these moments of intrusion and manipulation of my mind, the forces involved are very powerful. Likewise, when I am in public, the forces I feel around my mind are very powerful. It could well be that I am a powerful sender of thoughts, and my spiritual awareness is certainly high enough to allow that (already being open to Spirit in clairaudience etc), and my sensations of psychic nakedness would help any interference and direct mind-to-mind communication to occur.
I believe there could be a correlation between psychic sensitivity and schizophrenia. I believe a lot of schizophrenic people are actually psychic, powerfully psychic and often psychic in a dysfunctional way. Being ignored in this by medical helpers is a barrier to wellness - obviously the doctor might think a person is much more ill than they are if they seem to be experiencing massive psychic traffic and they count that as psychosis.
Have you seen "The Men Who Star At Goats"? All of this would have been taken seriously by them! They would have had me in their division!
I read recently that communication is telepathic, and that when we meet each other face-to-face, we join in an energetic way, and have a higher sense of knowing about each other, so we can consciously easily guess what the other is feeling, guess how their mood is and how they feel about themselves in terms of self-love and self-esteem.
I actually get interference to my face-to-face communication, so that others' first impressions of me may be negative, because of the negativity coming through me from outside. In this way I am quite mediumistic, and like a 'channel' - it expresses not just within my mind but externally in my physical self, my eyes and face and even movements.
As I said above, there is psychic nakedness; I feel as if some mental shell is removed and damaged in me, ordinarily (presumably from intensive cannabis abuse around the age of 18). Combined with a powerful negative emotionality watching over me, it is no wonder that I feel self-conscious in public and prefer to remain at home, where I feel psychologically comfortable and more natural. This nakedness is to be noted as a significant aspect of the condition. It is a hyper-sensitivity, and probably the reason why I can feel actively watched and interfered with by the hostile ones who I believe are spirit-people, (people who were once alive in dense form on Earth and now have died, left the body and spiritually are in part-ascension and choosing to disrupt mortal life on Earth). There is a shell missing, so there is easy intrusion.
OK, this has likely been a taxing read. Quite an intricate group of statements. Class dismissed! For now...
I hope this has been helpful to the reader, providing insight into the life of the 'schizophrenic' person.
When I get this, I feel a surge of force coming in apparently from outside me, with hostile intent attached to said force, and then some negativity will leave me like an arrow fired from a bow - and the negativity will be some very deprecating observation intended to cause emotional injury, and this apparent communication occurs more on a dimension of knowing than on a verbal telepathic basis.
OK, so in the spiritual outlook, people have varying degrees of sensitivity. Some people may be aware of being stared at from behind (the famous scenario when you're sitting on the bus/train and feel someone reading your newspaper over your shoulder). Some people may be responsive to others brooding over their personal faults. Some people can go through life, living three score and ten years, and never have a psychic spiritual experience of any kind. Then you have Colin Fry, Gordon Smith, Derek Acorah - the fully-functioning mediums, people born with great spiritual sensitivity. Me? I claim to be clairaudient, and disagree that 'hearing voices' is always a sign that a brain is malfunctioning and producing perceptual distortions/auditory hallucinations. I also believe in telepathy, which is some form of direct mind-to-mind communication. Most often it is supposed to occur under episodes of heightened emotion, and even then it depends upon someone sensitive to 'send' the thought. With me, I feel psychically 'naked' in public, as if my telepathic side is broken, and some of my mental energy is forced out of me. This is more pronounced when watching television, listening to radio and so on, and I most often have a sense of interference so that a hostile energy causes me to make a telepathic connection. I usually feel that some connection is made, so I avoid mass media, to keep my karma good (!!).
If you were following this, I may have lost you in the last paragraph. Surely if everyone schizophrenic is watching a TV program, they can't all be telepathically communicating with, say, the presenter?
Well, I can only say that the interference of a hostile person seems real, the negativity most likely feels like it does engage with the intended person. [By the way, the same interference on a knowing level occurs to injure me, normally, when the disturbance is more distant than 'local' (local being negative interactions with 'ghosts' around me)]. I wish it were not so. I like watching TV and films at will, but I abstain, partly because I believe that a disturbance is happening, and partly because I don't like the experience of having intrusion and interference. I don't think that my situation is so common. When I have these moments of intrusion and manipulation of my mind, the forces involved are very powerful. Likewise, when I am in public, the forces I feel around my mind are very powerful. It could well be that I am a powerful sender of thoughts, and my spiritual awareness is certainly high enough to allow that (already being open to Spirit in clairaudience etc), and my sensations of psychic nakedness would help any interference and direct mind-to-mind communication to occur.
I believe there could be a correlation between psychic sensitivity and schizophrenia. I believe a lot of schizophrenic people are actually psychic, powerfully psychic and often psychic in a dysfunctional way. Being ignored in this by medical helpers is a barrier to wellness - obviously the doctor might think a person is much more ill than they are if they seem to be experiencing massive psychic traffic and they count that as psychosis.
Have you seen "The Men Who Star At Goats"? All of this would have been taken seriously by them! They would have had me in their division!
I read recently that communication is telepathic, and that when we meet each other face-to-face, we join in an energetic way, and have a higher sense of knowing about each other, so we can consciously easily guess what the other is feeling, guess how their mood is and how they feel about themselves in terms of self-love and self-esteem.
I actually get interference to my face-to-face communication, so that others' first impressions of me may be negative, because of the negativity coming through me from outside. In this way I am quite mediumistic, and like a 'channel' - it expresses not just within my mind but externally in my physical self, my eyes and face and even movements.
As I said above, there is psychic nakedness; I feel as if some mental shell is removed and damaged in me, ordinarily (presumably from intensive cannabis abuse around the age of 18). Combined with a powerful negative emotionality watching over me, it is no wonder that I feel self-conscious in public and prefer to remain at home, where I feel psychologically comfortable and more natural. This nakedness is to be noted as a significant aspect of the condition. It is a hyper-sensitivity, and probably the reason why I can feel actively watched and interfered with by the hostile ones who I believe are spirit-people, (people who were once alive in dense form on Earth and now have died, left the body and spiritually are in part-ascension and choosing to disrupt mortal life on Earth). There is a shell missing, so there is easy intrusion.
OK, this has likely been a taxing read. Quite an intricate group of statements. Class dismissed! For now...
I hope this has been helpful to the reader, providing insight into the life of the 'schizophrenic' person.
Wednesday 21 July 2010
Relationships: Another Note On Life With Schizophrenia
During my second breakdown, I was avoiding my family, feeling that we were too close and that the closeness was oppressive. I didn't like being told what to do or not having the emotional privacy to be settled - it was unsettling feeling I was expected to call home everyday, knowing that some people call home once a week or less.
My breakdown was discovered when my family came to my home, where I had spent about six weeks in solitude, never leaving the premises.
My brother refused to close the door and sit down, so I became aggravated. Clearly he had detected that I was ill and became frightened. But I felt he had no need to be frightened. He looked scared. I became furious, silently motioning for him to sit down. He left and called the police.
That he called the police was all he could do, but it feels like betrayal [yes, present tense, feels like, still feels like].
I can say that my lucidity was underestimated throughout, although I was also 'raving mad', gone off the deep end in my beliefs. All the time I felt I had one foot firmly in clarity. As this is my blog, my brother isn't here to interrupt and contradict me! My family believe they literally saved my life in rescuing me, I say I was not going to kill myself and I would have left the flat soon to get more food (that angers me too, that they disagree with me.
But still, looking back, if I had been sane enough, I should have called the police myself much earlier and said I was having trouble, please take me to hospital.
All this must still have been bubbling under when I was hospitalised. When I saw my family, before treatment had got well underway, I bubbled over with resentment, talking 'at' them not to them. I voiced my concerns, that we were too close. The relationship stress had contributed to my breakdown.
I am normally a peaceable person, but here was all this anger coming out in an uncharacteristic way. Psychologically speaking, a remarkable change. I calmed down though with the longer I received the antipsychotic medicine.
I was speaking about self-harming when I entered hospital. I wanted to self-harm within the framework of a higher sense of purpose. I thought it would be good for the Earth; I thought it was right; I thought it would make me more powerful. I was quite happy with the fact.
I was very ill. Though I maintained lucidity, [I knew what day and date it was at all times] I was also delusional and communicated that frequently. Even after five weeks of medication I was still displaying some irrational obsessions.
Gradually though, my obssession with 'self-harming' passed away. This did not stop me having, because of my mother's and the ward sister's concern, someone sitting in my doorway at all times for the first week of hospitalisation. I was peaceful, there was no way of me harming myself, I had become ill through privacy issues... and there was someone removing my privacy. But they had the right intentions. It was psychologically painful. Fortunately, though I was aware of being supervised, I didn't know this was down to the concerns of my mother, or I would have been even angrier.
Back to my extraction from my home: my brother said I tried to hit him with a guitar. I know I feinted half a strike. I was angry, in a primal state - I was very sensitive to the fact that he and the police were intruding on my territory and I wanted to frighten them off. Yet still I could be reasoned with, though my speech was often delusional in content.
My main point in this post is not to communicate my frustration with the police or the hospital or my family, but to remark on the change of character I went through. I was given cause to be angry. I had been harbouring cause to be angry too. Then when my self-awareness was released by the psychotic break, out came an aggressive subpersonality to frighten my family. Never physically violent anger, just the interpersonal emotion. That undercurrent of anger was keeping me in my home all that time, was keeping my family at arm's length while I locked myself away.
Most hurtfully, my mother and brother came with flowers and gifts for me and I rejected their show of kindess completely. Thankfully this all was soothed away by medication, as I became more me again.
I could still do to have a more normal family life, with less contact, but that's for me to negotiate in a reasonable, and not resentful way. Only because I get tired out travelling backwards and forwards to meet up for family events, and this and being away from home for long periods is very disruptive to me. But I'll sort it out.
I am back on good terms with my family, but we all still remember and carry emotions about that time.
Thanks for reading.
My breakdown was discovered when my family came to my home, where I had spent about six weeks in solitude, never leaving the premises.
My brother refused to close the door and sit down, so I became aggravated. Clearly he had detected that I was ill and became frightened. But I felt he had no need to be frightened. He looked scared. I became furious, silently motioning for him to sit down. He left and called the police.
That he called the police was all he could do, but it feels like betrayal [yes, present tense, feels like, still feels like].
I can say that my lucidity was underestimated throughout, although I was also 'raving mad', gone off the deep end in my beliefs. All the time I felt I had one foot firmly in clarity. As this is my blog, my brother isn't here to interrupt and contradict me! My family believe they literally saved my life in rescuing me, I say I was not going to kill myself and I would have left the flat soon to get more food (that angers me too, that they disagree with me.
But still, looking back, if I had been sane enough, I should have called the police myself much earlier and said I was having trouble, please take me to hospital.
All this must still have been bubbling under when I was hospitalised. When I saw my family, before treatment had got well underway, I bubbled over with resentment, talking 'at' them not to them. I voiced my concerns, that we were too close. The relationship stress had contributed to my breakdown.
I am normally a peaceable person, but here was all this anger coming out in an uncharacteristic way. Psychologically speaking, a remarkable change. I calmed down though with the longer I received the antipsychotic medicine.
I was speaking about self-harming when I entered hospital. I wanted to self-harm within the framework of a higher sense of purpose. I thought it would be good for the Earth; I thought it was right; I thought it would make me more powerful. I was quite happy with the fact.
I was very ill. Though I maintained lucidity, [I knew what day and date it was at all times] I was also delusional and communicated that frequently. Even after five weeks of medication I was still displaying some irrational obsessions.
Gradually though, my obssession with 'self-harming' passed away. This did not stop me having, because of my mother's and the ward sister's concern, someone sitting in my doorway at all times for the first week of hospitalisation. I was peaceful, there was no way of me harming myself, I had become ill through privacy issues... and there was someone removing my privacy. But they had the right intentions. It was psychologically painful. Fortunately, though I was aware of being supervised, I didn't know this was down to the concerns of my mother, or I would have been even angrier.
Back to my extraction from my home: my brother said I tried to hit him with a guitar. I know I feinted half a strike. I was angry, in a primal state - I was very sensitive to the fact that he and the police were intruding on my territory and I wanted to frighten them off. Yet still I could be reasoned with, though my speech was often delusional in content.
My main point in this post is not to communicate my frustration with the police or the hospital or my family, but to remark on the change of character I went through. I was given cause to be angry. I had been harbouring cause to be angry too. Then when my self-awareness was released by the psychotic break, out came an aggressive subpersonality to frighten my family. Never physically violent anger, just the interpersonal emotion. That undercurrent of anger was keeping me in my home all that time, was keeping my family at arm's length while I locked myself away.
Most hurtfully, my mother and brother came with flowers and gifts for me and I rejected their show of kindess completely. Thankfully this all was soothed away by medication, as I became more me again.
I could still do to have a more normal family life, with less contact, but that's for me to negotiate in a reasonable, and not resentful way. Only because I get tired out travelling backwards and forwards to meet up for family events, and this and being away from home for long periods is very disruptive to me. But I'll sort it out.
I am back on good terms with my family, but we all still remember and carry emotions about that time.
Thanks for reading.
Life With Schizophrenia
Hooray! I have now hit 50 posts on Diagnosis: Schizophrenia!
I have also initiated proceedings to link with schizophrenia.com, so if that works out, welcome to browsers from that site.
I wanted to write about my dad. This is a personal post [albeit on an anonymous blog!!].
Before I got ill was the best time of my life, among family, and then socially. I would like to concentrate on the family part.
It was the best time of my life, I was really close with my father. I was seventeen and we were working together on a renovation project. They were brilliant times, full of genuine shared excitement and true joy.
Then I went away from home for a while and came back sick. Then I went away from home again and came back sicker. I had to take time out from university and lived at home. Suddenly I was closed out. Money troubles and work troubles on my father's part made life hard for him, and he made my life hard too. Losing his temper that I didn't speak (because of the symptom alogia), and showing no or little affection to me.
This continued until he died in 2006. Clearly he was depressed because he couldn't understand his want of success on the work and financial front, and this accounted for ornery behaviour. But he gave me a hard time when I was vulnerable. Never physically violent, thank God, but psychologically hurtful, though from a lack of awareness that he was being anything other than benign, probably.
This is a problem, because when someone dies, you think well of them, in a natural way, yet sometimes I can't help looking back and remembering times that I could not think well of him for.
The way I see it, I was like the baby bird handled by a human, that the mother bird then rejects. I had a funny smell all of a sudden. I wasn't the same son anymore.
My mum tells me it was because I couldn't communicate with him, and that was something he couldn't bear.
And yet, thankfully, there is still love between us. But I know that others with schizophrenia may be able to identify with this, and also their relations too.
Luckily I stayed close to my mother, who showed a mother's loyalty in not rejecting me when I behaved and spoke strangely, and all due to my own choices (I became ill through smoking the illegal drug cannabis). I never told my father that I was ill because of the cannabis use, because I was afraid of his anger.
Now as they say he is with the angels and will see all sides of this situation. RIP dad.
I have also initiated proceedings to link with schizophrenia.com, so if that works out, welcome to browsers from that site.
I wanted to write about my dad. This is a personal post [albeit on an anonymous blog!!].
Before I got ill was the best time of my life, among family, and then socially. I would like to concentrate on the family part.
It was the best time of my life, I was really close with my father. I was seventeen and we were working together on a renovation project. They were brilliant times, full of genuine shared excitement and true joy.
Then I went away from home for a while and came back sick. Then I went away from home again and came back sicker. I had to take time out from university and lived at home. Suddenly I was closed out. Money troubles and work troubles on my father's part made life hard for him, and he made my life hard too. Losing his temper that I didn't speak (because of the symptom alogia), and showing no or little affection to me.
This continued until he died in 2006. Clearly he was depressed because he couldn't understand his want of success on the work and financial front, and this accounted for ornery behaviour. But he gave me a hard time when I was vulnerable. Never physically violent, thank God, but psychologically hurtful, though from a lack of awareness that he was being anything other than benign, probably.
This is a problem, because when someone dies, you think well of them, in a natural way, yet sometimes I can't help looking back and remembering times that I could not think well of him for.
The way I see it, I was like the baby bird handled by a human, that the mother bird then rejects. I had a funny smell all of a sudden. I wasn't the same son anymore.
My mum tells me it was because I couldn't communicate with him, and that was something he couldn't bear.
And yet, thankfully, there is still love between us. But I know that others with schizophrenia may be able to identify with this, and also their relations too.
Luckily I stayed close to my mother, who showed a mother's loyalty in not rejecting me when I behaved and spoke strangely, and all due to my own choices (I became ill through smoking the illegal drug cannabis). I never told my father that I was ill because of the cannabis use, because I was afraid of his anger.
Now as they say he is with the angels and will see all sides of this situation. RIP dad.
Monday 19 July 2010
Causation
How did I get into this situation?
1) Logical answer: cannabis use - either a) caused insanity or b) opened me up to spiritual trouble.
2) Metaphysical answer: I chose this myself, bringing about a crisis of spiritual attack to bring myself closer to my soul.
3) Karmic answer: I have the Devil's own karma and am suffering spiritual attack for my sins.
4) Innocence answer: I am like a wounded lamb in the flock of humanity, easy prey to 'wolves' through no fault of my own.
5) Destiny answer: I planned this from before I was born.
6) Creationist answer: some thought or feeling has magnetised this situation to me.
7) Spiritual cause and effect: I have caused some spirits offense, and they are attacking me out of anger.
About these answers:
3) I for one do not believe in a karmic system that punishes.
4) There's martyrdom and there's martyrdom. Maybe this comes into it, through the sheer volume of attack - I did recently here a celestial spirit call me a martyr (it seemed to be someone's guide that spoke to me as I passed the person, a stranger; I do not doubt the reality of this occurrence). This is not m7y main theory however, that this whole episode of my life is meaningless, just an accident of fate because I am or was vulnerable.
5) Difficult. Some people I've read persuade me that we sometimes choose to suffer, for our higher good, or for the higher good of all. I think though, why would we choose to suffer, if we could choose anything, if we could develop through joy? My opinion is that the possibility of all this was accounted for, but this was not actually planned.
1) Who could argue with this answer? I would just argue over whether or not it's a situation of paranormal nature, or pure insanity.
2) This is tempting, but it's gone on for about ten years with little change, and been fairly merciless at times - though no doubt, it has brought me closer to my soul.
6) I went through states of profound fear and strong negativity, and so did others around me - I think this is the strongest argument, that there is some 'thought-form', as some call them, that has attracted my situation to me. The theory is that every being is creative, and thoughts and feelings we have magnetise people and situations to us - well, in the main, the thing is that I've attracted some vengeful spirits to me, who I seem to have offended, though I don't know how. That's the impression that I get, that I offended them, somehow.
So 7), which was a post-script is probably also relevant, though they may be attacking me just through their own hostility.
No one clear answer, in my opinion, but I lean most strongly towards 6).
1) Logical answer: cannabis use - either a) caused insanity or b) opened me up to spiritual trouble.
2) Metaphysical answer: I chose this myself, bringing about a crisis of spiritual attack to bring myself closer to my soul.
3) Karmic answer: I have the Devil's own karma and am suffering spiritual attack for my sins.
4) Innocence answer: I am like a wounded lamb in the flock of humanity, easy prey to 'wolves' through no fault of my own.
5) Destiny answer: I planned this from before I was born.
6) Creationist answer: some thought or feeling has magnetised this situation to me.
7) Spiritual cause and effect: I have caused some spirits offense, and they are attacking me out of anger.
About these answers:
3) I for one do not believe in a karmic system that punishes.
4) There's martyrdom and there's martyrdom. Maybe this comes into it, through the sheer volume of attack - I did recently here a celestial spirit call me a martyr (it seemed to be someone's guide that spoke to me as I passed the person, a stranger; I do not doubt the reality of this occurrence). This is not m7y main theory however, that this whole episode of my life is meaningless, just an accident of fate because I am or was vulnerable.
5) Difficult. Some people I've read persuade me that we sometimes choose to suffer, for our higher good, or for the higher good of all. I think though, why would we choose to suffer, if we could choose anything, if we could develop through joy? My opinion is that the possibility of all this was accounted for, but this was not actually planned.
1) Who could argue with this answer? I would just argue over whether or not it's a situation of paranormal nature, or pure insanity.
2) This is tempting, but it's gone on for about ten years with little change, and been fairly merciless at times - though no doubt, it has brought me closer to my soul.
6) I went through states of profound fear and strong negativity, and so did others around me - I think this is the strongest argument, that there is some 'thought-form', as some call them, that has attracted my situation to me. The theory is that every being is creative, and thoughts and feelings we have magnetise people and situations to us - well, in the main, the thing is that I've attracted some vengeful spirits to me, who I seem to have offended, though I don't know how. That's the impression that I get, that I offended them, somehow.
So 7), which was a post-script is probably also relevant, though they may be attacking me just through their own hostility.
No one clear answer, in my opinion, but I lean most strongly towards 6).
Wednesday 14 July 2010
Self-Image As Someone Mentally Ill and Psychically Aware
I would like to feel normal.
I've been insane, and now I've aligned myself with those who believe in the paranormal. That's two reasons to feel out of the ordinary. There's a lot of prejudice in the world against the insane and the psychic! But let's ignore that and focus on the positive!!
I would very much like to feel ordinary again - not strange, not someone to be afraid of (as an insane person).
I guess it would help to be part of a spiritual community that has strong sixth sense awareness, I mean like a New Age community or a spiritualist church, where my level of awareness is ordinary and accepted. I think that would cheer me up a lot.
So this is good, there are opportunities for people like me to feel normal!
I've been insane, and now I've aligned myself with those who believe in the paranormal. That's two reasons to feel out of the ordinary. There's a lot of prejudice in the world against the insane and the psychic! But let's ignore that and focus on the positive!!
I would very much like to feel ordinary again - not strange, not someone to be afraid of (as an insane person).
I guess it would help to be part of a spiritual community that has strong sixth sense awareness, I mean like a New Age community or a spiritualist church, where my level of awareness is ordinary and accepted. I think that would cheer me up a lot.
So this is good, there are opportunities for people like me to feel normal!
Psychic Protection, Spiritual Safety
I turned a corner recently, in my thinking. I read that rather than visualise white light around ourselves to protect us, we are to think of it as a practice that is very powerful in raising our vibration and transmuting energy that is not moving back into light.
This is amazing!
This was the first time in all my reading that I had come across such an idea. Previously I had read only of shielding ourselves from 'negative entities', 'demons' and 'evil'.
Love thy enemy! you can't love them when you are thinking ill of them (rather than acknowledging their divinity and thinking of them with compassion). Still, people do evil. They are not themselves evil, I believe, since God makes them and cares for them still - but they are free to act irresponsibly. - And like Jesus said, he without sin cast the first stone - we are better off not judging anyone, but praying for those that hurt us.
The point is there is a vast difference between a point of view of "protection against darkness", which essentially carries a motive that affirms conflict, and "safety with Light", which is a healing and peaceful perspective. With a healing and peaceful perspective, we react to injuries not so much with anger, but with strength and compassion, understanding why a being chooses to act in a way contrary to its nature and do harm.
I think we are more likely to be safe when we adopt a position of spiritual wisdom and reconciliation with all of Life. Not to set up walls and barriers to hide behind - not to be divided against others, but to be open within the healing safety of Divine Light.
Lastly, they say every attack is an appeal for love. This is hard to see, but we can pray to be powerful in our love and compassion and be given the gift of being increased in our power to bless with health those who attack us. It's as though this drama of love happens in the unconscious parts of ourselves and plays out in the conscious in ways we don't see clearly into. There is a kind of illusion. We identify a hostile motive, but not the vulnerability beneath it. Pray, pray pray for peace to come to the consciousness of those who attack you.
Everything changes with a change in perspective.
Love embraces, fear divides, and division is endless.
In the highest sense, we are always safe! The soul is a part of the Almighty God.
I'd like to end this post with a prayer.
O God I pray for those who have harmed me in spirit:
May they find peace;
May they reflect upon their cause for aggression and find peace;
May they be reunited with the embrace of God's Light and know every good emotion that exists in God;
May their consciousnesses be healed on whatever level where they feel pain enough to harm me;
May they be reconciled with my spirit now and always;
May they know forgiveness for the harms they have done and may they feel forgiveness for whatever offenses I have done against them;
May there be Light between our spirits eternally;
And may they find their way Home to Heaven.
Amen.
- That's a blessing - it's benevolence, wishing another well. Light thoughts are more powerful than dark thoughts, so benevolence, correctly applied, will heal any situation!
This is amazing!
This was the first time in all my reading that I had come across such an idea. Previously I had read only of shielding ourselves from 'negative entities', 'demons' and 'evil'.
Love thy enemy! you can't love them when you are thinking ill of them (rather than acknowledging their divinity and thinking of them with compassion). Still, people do evil. They are not themselves evil, I believe, since God makes them and cares for them still - but they are free to act irresponsibly. - And like Jesus said, he without sin cast the first stone - we are better off not judging anyone, but praying for those that hurt us.
The point is there is a vast difference between a point of view of "protection against darkness", which essentially carries a motive that affirms conflict, and "safety with Light", which is a healing and peaceful perspective. With a healing and peaceful perspective, we react to injuries not so much with anger, but with strength and compassion, understanding why a being chooses to act in a way contrary to its nature and do harm.
I think we are more likely to be safe when we adopt a position of spiritual wisdom and reconciliation with all of Life. Not to set up walls and barriers to hide behind - not to be divided against others, but to be open within the healing safety of Divine Light.
Lastly, they say every attack is an appeal for love. This is hard to see, but we can pray to be powerful in our love and compassion and be given the gift of being increased in our power to bless with health those who attack us. It's as though this drama of love happens in the unconscious parts of ourselves and plays out in the conscious in ways we don't see clearly into. There is a kind of illusion. We identify a hostile motive, but not the vulnerability beneath it. Pray, pray pray for peace to come to the consciousness of those who attack you.
Everything changes with a change in perspective.
Love embraces, fear divides, and division is endless.
In the highest sense, we are always safe! The soul is a part of the Almighty God.
I'd like to end this post with a prayer.
O God I pray for those who have harmed me in spirit:
May they find peace;
May they reflect upon their cause for aggression and find peace;
May they be reunited with the embrace of God's Light and know every good emotion that exists in God;
May their consciousnesses be healed on whatever level where they feel pain enough to harm me;
May they be reconciled with my spirit now and always;
May they know forgiveness for the harms they have done and may they feel forgiveness for whatever offenses I have done against them;
May there be Light between our spirits eternally;
And may they find their way Home to Heaven.
Amen.
- That's a blessing - it's benevolence, wishing another well. Light thoughts are more powerful than dark thoughts, so benevolence, correctly applied, will heal any situation!
Another Intellectual Challenge To The Status Quo
Simply put, when spirituality is an acceptable idea, why are negative spiritual interactions discounted?
We are ready to believe in and consider the spiritual aspect of Life, but why discount the possibility of spirituality being a cause of urgent complaint?
I dare say for vast numbers of people, spiritual negativity is something they talk about and think about and counteract, but don't actually encounter. I mean, you can believe in the Devil, and avoid the temptations of the world (intoxicants of body and mind), whilst never actually seeing or hearing or sensing a horned and pointy-tailed embodiment of evil.
People are protected. People have natural protection.
If you have or believe you have problems with your spiritual safety, by all means look into informing yourself about ways of being safe through written media or professional spiritual helpers - but generally people are spiritually safe, I believe. People don't experience the spiritual emerging into their daily lives in a negative way - that's why we call it the 'paranormal', which literally describes something 'beyond' normal. It doesn't usually happen that people get spiritually disturbed or harassed.
Spiritually, everyone has protection, a natural thick skin, as well as the protective energies of God surrounding them. I admit some people are naturally sensitive, and others like me develop sensitivity suddenly, and such ones may encounter the spiritual in a variety of ways, both positive and negative.
Cannabis is notorious for disabling the natural spiritual defenses of the human organism, so there you go, that's why you get sensitivity and openness (or nakedness) to the spiritual. Use of psychoactive drugs is not recommended for spiritual safety, as it will cause problems for a portion of users. (However I believe that drugs might perhaps be more safely used by those who are initiated and guided by the wise).
Still, though we are generally safe, there are still mountains of evidence in the form of folk traditions around the world that the spiritual world has a shadow that is to be feared. One of the duties of the Christian faithful, for example, has traditionally been to 'cast out' or exorcise evil spirits. It's all very well getting rid of superstition, as we have done in parts of the world over the last several hundred years, but don't prune away useful parts of our heritage that are always relevant. Those who can handle the spiritual dimensions should be prized, they should be valued for the help they can bring the rest of their community - I'm thinking of those who can perform a range of tasks, from getting rid of a lingering uncomfortable atmosphere in a new home, to moving on lost spirit-people, to helping people like me.
When I was in a mental asylum two years ago, I attended a short Christian ecumenical service there, the priest blessed me with the sign of the cross, and for an instant, the energy around my head 'cleared' and felt light (rather than heavy) - the priest had performed a little miraculous spiritual healing through his faith and the power of God. Imagine what the potential is for liberating people who are spiritually shipwrecked and disturbed by harmful energies. It does not always seem abundantly easy to find the figures in society who will disconnect a person from harmful spiritual energies and realign them with Light - it's a specialist service, rather than being down to a given figure in every community.
I'm not advocating a return to superstition. There's still a kind of superstition in my society, in prejudice towards people who are spiritual - the door has swung the other way. I'm advocating a revivifying of awareness that the paranormal will almost always be an issue for some people in human society, and that those who bear the mantle of spiritual leaders should foster the ability to deal with it in full.
Now we have denial. Orthodox psychiatric denial of the spiritual and the ability of the human being to interact with the spiritual (through the sixth senses). The psychiatrist is for most people in my country the person who wears the biggest hat of authority in the realm of mental health - despite being in direct opposition to the state-sanctioned organisation of Christian religion with its beliefs in the invisible and tenets valuing exorcism. Sorry you docs for putting you down, but we're in opposition. That's a confused society, with duplicity of views, with hardened, conflicting stances within itself.
I'm in a strange position when I put forward my position in the psychiatrist's office, talking about mental ill health and making claims for the reality of the spiritual and complaining of painful spiritual interactions! So the doctor will tell me to my face that I have a psychotic condition. When people think you are insane, in my experience they treat you with a kind of loving pity, tolerance at arm's reach, whilst trying to talk to you in a way so as to demonstrate to you that they don't think you are crazy! That amounts to condescension, at least from my perspective, beating my drum for parapsychology.
Let us all be happy in our spirituality, and have compassion on those few who have troublesome interactions with the spiritual energies - and let's pray for everyone who needs it to find the help and information they need to be safe and have the same chance of happiness as anyone else.
White Hero
White Hero
- White as in purity and spiritual light.
In my dreams recently, someone hailed me as a White Hero. I respect this. I had a strong sense of gravity and self-command as I was having that dream.
I'm very glad to think of myself as a White Hero, and see this dream as trustworthy. It means I'm strong. It means I've made real spiritual gains under attack and held my own. I hope this aspect of myself will emerge as a core element of my future self, as I develop and improve my ability to deal with my condition.
There you go; not a victim or an underdog, but a White Hero.
Yours wishing you the full emergence of your heroic self,
Mr. S
- White as in purity and spiritual light.
In my dreams recently, someone hailed me as a White Hero. I respect this. I had a strong sense of gravity and self-command as I was having that dream.
I'm very glad to think of myself as a White Hero, and see this dream as trustworthy. It means I'm strong. It means I've made real spiritual gains under attack and held my own. I hope this aspect of myself will emerge as a core element of my future self, as I develop and improve my ability to deal with my condition.
There you go; not a victim or an underdog, but a White Hero.
Yours wishing you the full emergence of your heroic self,
Mr. S
Tuesday 6 July 2010
Don't Mention The War
In writing I'm conscious of sounding insane. I'm conscious of having what I'm saying being ignored as untrustworthy because I sound insane in my verbalisations. So partly, I'm writing persuasively. I wish for the reader to believe me. Partly this is pointless, because it's experiential - either you are under psychic attack that you are convinced is real, or not - there won't be too many people reading this out of curiosity, I suppose, they will mostly be of my experiential orientation. And them I'd like to reassure that they are sane (those of my experiential groove!)
This all sounds very contorted...
Unless you know a few people in the New Age group who are professional energy healers for example, or you came into the New Age gradually and read about it, if psychic attack gets you, you are bound to be very much lost for a sane explanation. Thus it was for me for a long time. I wonder where I'll end up intellectually now.
It's pretty weird; it involves:
Telepathy
Spiritual Unity
Metaphysics (explaining why it's happening in the first place)
Soul Life and the Afterlife - a spiritual outlook
Energetic understandings (about subtle energy)
Psychicness
- and all this you have to find out for yourself from scratch (unless you are lucky enough to discover this blog!!)
One of the biggest milestones for me was realising that I was psychic, that all of this had something to do with me being psychic. It's a drama that's playing out entirely on the psychic level; you can't measure it with a ruler.
So I'm psychic, I'm close to the spirit world, albeit partly in a negative way (they bully me). But I also hear and receive in dreams useful information - this closeness, healed, will be of value to others, in a healing or teaching capacity, and that's a great consolation.
This all sounds very contorted...
Unless you know a few people in the New Age group who are professional energy healers for example, or you came into the New Age gradually and read about it, if psychic attack gets you, you are bound to be very much lost for a sane explanation. Thus it was for me for a long time. I wonder where I'll end up intellectually now.
It's pretty weird; it involves:
Telepathy
Spiritual Unity
Metaphysics (explaining why it's happening in the first place)
Soul Life and the Afterlife - a spiritual outlook
Energetic understandings (about subtle energy)
Psychicness
- and all this you have to find out for yourself from scratch (unless you are lucky enough to discover this blog!!)
One of the biggest milestones for me was realising that I was psychic, that all of this had something to do with me being psychic. It's a drama that's playing out entirely on the psychic level; you can't measure it with a ruler.
So I'm psychic, I'm close to the spirit world, albeit partly in a negative way (they bully me). But I also hear and receive in dreams useful information - this closeness, healed, will be of value to others, in a healing or teaching capacity, and that's a great consolation.
Anatomy Of A Schizophrenic-Type Disorder
I once thought that my troubles emerged exclusively from mortal people. Then I progressed to realising it was from spirits too.
Now I see:
There are spirits around me, whose behaviour is changeable (though generally more benign);
There is much ill-will affecting me from spirit-people in the astral (who seem to be spiritually like 'career criminals', rebels against the Light)
There is some ill-will from humans affecting me (namely a psychic ex-girlfriend, and from others I have wronged in the past) [PS This is a minor, minor portion of the general problem, though still real!]
That I have caused this to happen through stirring up unhappiness, and attracted it through being very fearful (I believe the profound fear I experienced in a cannabis-induced schizophrenic breakdown attracted dark spirits to me) - since the universe operated through the law of attraction and the law of cause and effect, amongst others.
I once heard a celestial voice compliment me on my powers of intellect, calling me an impressive 'psychic scientist'. I analyse my situation, and I will find a way to heal it. On one level this means changing my energetic vibration so that I attract positive spirits and interactions; this is my will. I read recently that we attract people and situations to us based on our vibration (and our vibration is derived from our inner world of thoughts and feelings). Obviously, in my really dark days of delusional jealousy with the ex-girlfriend, then encounters with what amounts to the essence of evil under schizophrenic hallucinations, I must have got stuck in a rut energetically and attracted all bad to me. - I say all bad, but it could have been worse; perhaps I got stuck with all the bad that I could attract in my days of fearful hallucinations and relatively bad karma. It's not the utmost hell, though, to put it in perspective, it sometimes is so bad that I don't like being alive.
So, I'm a psychic scientist, and I will find a cure. I will find the panacea that changes my situation and puts me on an ecstatic path of fulfilment, for the good of all.
Now I see:
There are spirits around me, whose behaviour is changeable (though generally more benign);
There is much ill-will affecting me from spirit-people in the astral (who seem to be spiritually like 'career criminals', rebels against the Light)
There is some ill-will from humans affecting me (namely a psychic ex-girlfriend, and from others I have wronged in the past) [PS This is a minor, minor portion of the general problem, though still real!]
That I have caused this to happen through stirring up unhappiness, and attracted it through being very fearful (I believe the profound fear I experienced in a cannabis-induced schizophrenic breakdown attracted dark spirits to me) - since the universe operated through the law of attraction and the law of cause and effect, amongst others.
I once heard a celestial voice compliment me on my powers of intellect, calling me an impressive 'psychic scientist'. I analyse my situation, and I will find a way to heal it. On one level this means changing my energetic vibration so that I attract positive spirits and interactions; this is my will. I read recently that we attract people and situations to us based on our vibration (and our vibration is derived from our inner world of thoughts and feelings). Obviously, in my really dark days of delusional jealousy with the ex-girlfriend, then encounters with what amounts to the essence of evil under schizophrenic hallucinations, I must have got stuck in a rut energetically and attracted all bad to me. - I say all bad, but it could have been worse; perhaps I got stuck with all the bad that I could attract in my days of fearful hallucinations and relatively bad karma. It's not the utmost hell, though, to put it in perspective, it sometimes is so bad that I don't like being alive.
So, I'm a psychic scientist, and I will find a cure. I will find the panacea that changes my situation and puts me on an ecstatic path of fulfilment, for the good of all.
Portals And Power Struggles
In my experience, psychic attack is very much a power struggle. There are the spirits trying to conquer me, or the ex-girlfriend who seeks to hurt me to get my attention as a way of validating that she is lovable.
(Usually psychic attack is known to occur between mortals, not received from the spirit world; it is quite rare for psychic attack to occur, but less so I suppose for sensitive people, and is usually fairly unintentional rather than a result of black magic rites, they say. Occasionally I have heard the "ex" ill-wishing (we were very close, and both 'sensitive'); I used to think my entire problem was from mortals, I now realise that the attack is almost entirely from the spirit world).)
Spiritually, for me there is disturbance to my auric functioning (attested to by a energy healer), to my crown chakra, the organism's energetic portal. There is therefore a fight over my connection to spirit.
There is also disturbance to my portal to the world, in that I am sabotaged by shame imposed on me from outside, so I'm less likely to engage with others and achieve in the world.
All this amounts to power issues. For those in the know, I was told by my healer-friend that there were also signs of interference with my solar plexus chakra, the personal power centre.
At some stage, I hope, I will discover the key to taking back my power and governing these 'portals' myself. Presumably it will involve being more 'grounded' (connected to the Earth, stable) and less in the worlds of spirit, so that my power is more focused within me and not loosely spreading out into the spiritual. So perhaps I win this power struggle by endeavouring to look outside myself and engage with the world. No mean feat for someone with no job and few friends, but you have to start from somewhere!
Also, this means being stronger than my attackers, all several of them, or having enough power against them to have the advantage, which presumably means being in charge of my life and my emotions enough to counter these forces with stability, even whilst they are attacking me.
The ideal for me is for these power struggles to be dormant, to live in peace, and get on with my life. No one from above is really stepping in to stop it all at once, so I guess I can do it myself - put an end to these power struggles, and change my basic energetic vibration so that I am not troubled.
(Usually psychic attack is known to occur between mortals, not received from the spirit world; it is quite rare for psychic attack to occur, but less so I suppose for sensitive people, and is usually fairly unintentional rather than a result of black magic rites, they say. Occasionally I have heard the "ex" ill-wishing (we were very close, and both 'sensitive'); I used to think my entire problem was from mortals, I now realise that the attack is almost entirely from the spirit world).)
Spiritually, for me there is disturbance to my auric functioning (attested to by a energy healer), to my crown chakra, the organism's energetic portal. There is therefore a fight over my connection to spirit.
There is also disturbance to my portal to the world, in that I am sabotaged by shame imposed on me from outside, so I'm less likely to engage with others and achieve in the world.
All this amounts to power issues. For those in the know, I was told by my healer-friend that there were also signs of interference with my solar plexus chakra, the personal power centre.
At some stage, I hope, I will discover the key to taking back my power and governing these 'portals' myself. Presumably it will involve being more 'grounded' (connected to the Earth, stable) and less in the worlds of spirit, so that my power is more focused within me and not loosely spreading out into the spiritual. So perhaps I win this power struggle by endeavouring to look outside myself and engage with the world. No mean feat for someone with no job and few friends, but you have to start from somewhere!
Also, this means being stronger than my attackers, all several of them, or having enough power against them to have the advantage, which presumably means being in charge of my life and my emotions enough to counter these forces with stability, even whilst they are attacking me.
The ideal for me is for these power struggles to be dormant, to live in peace, and get on with my life. No one from above is really stepping in to stop it all at once, so I guess I can do it myself - put an end to these power struggles, and change my basic energetic vibration so that I am not troubled.
Stumbled Across A Great Online Article
I found this article online about psychic attack that corroborates what I'm going on about here.
The essence of my condition is suffering caused by psychic attack. That's how I see it. That's emphatically what seems real to me.
The writer of the article confirms how 'schizophrenics' may be found to suffer from astral harassment.
With me however, I don't perceive any help from invoking higher powers, nor from using crystals or flower essences (though I haven't given up on them). These are quite significant forces I deal with (but I know, it could be worse, it's not absolute hell for me).
I've been thinking about this today, thinking, Why am I attracting harmfulness and rough treatment? In a world governed by the Law of attraction, I must have given some cause for this.
When I got ill I was in a deep relationship that I broke off very suddenly, because it was causing me much stress. After that I had my schizophrenic breakdown and encounter with darkness on a hallucinatory basis, and was ever after under a cloud of negativity. The person I was deeply involved with was very psychic (for a non-professional), and I have often attributed to them that they held a grudge towards me.
I did a healing ceremony today, on my own, and this person came into my awareness so clearly that I could feel their energy, and the healing brought up the history between us, and the requirement that it should be released. This is a person I have heard, telepathically, cursing me. I think it likely that this entire condition has its seeds in that other person's motive of resentment towards me - but I started it, through leaving her in an impersonal way.
A very interesting thing, the attachment with her that my healing ceremony raised.
My current theory is that this person's intense resentment post break-up served as a contagion to attract to me astral persecution. I just read about something called live haunting, which can happen when there is a problematic attachment between two people in a love relationship after they break up.
This relationship has taught me a lot about being responsible with another's heart (and my own); I figure that the massive psychic attack saga I have been through has taught me a lot about handling other beings gently, and being merciful and gracious - simply through being ingrained by the opposite dynamic and opposing that.
I liked the validation of this article. Looking uponline, I was glad to see so many entries, and so many useful ones too.
There are many forms of self-defense, but in my opinion, you really have to find the right person to help you, just as the author of the article linked above suggests.
I've found a couple of people I'm pretty sure may be able to finish this all off for me, but haven't called as yet, principally through busyness... and my social phobia that makes me averse to using the phone with strangers.
So I hope one day none of us will be haunted anymore and we will all be able to get on with our lives in peace...
The essence of my condition is suffering caused by psychic attack. That's how I see it. That's emphatically what seems real to me.
The writer of the article confirms how 'schizophrenics' may be found to suffer from astral harassment.
With me however, I don't perceive any help from invoking higher powers, nor from using crystals or flower essences (though I haven't given up on them). These are quite significant forces I deal with (but I know, it could be worse, it's not absolute hell for me).
I've been thinking about this today, thinking, Why am I attracting harmfulness and rough treatment? In a world governed by the Law of attraction, I must have given some cause for this.
When I got ill I was in a deep relationship that I broke off very suddenly, because it was causing me much stress. After that I had my schizophrenic breakdown and encounter with darkness on a hallucinatory basis, and was ever after under a cloud of negativity. The person I was deeply involved with was very psychic (for a non-professional), and I have often attributed to them that they held a grudge towards me.
I did a healing ceremony today, on my own, and this person came into my awareness so clearly that I could feel their energy, and the healing brought up the history between us, and the requirement that it should be released. This is a person I have heard, telepathically, cursing me. I think it likely that this entire condition has its seeds in that other person's motive of resentment towards me - but I started it, through leaving her in an impersonal way.
A very interesting thing, the attachment with her that my healing ceremony raised.
My current theory is that this person's intense resentment post break-up served as a contagion to attract to me astral persecution. I just read about something called live haunting, which can happen when there is a problematic attachment between two people in a love relationship after they break up.
This relationship has taught me a lot about being responsible with another's heart (and my own); I figure that the massive psychic attack saga I have been through has taught me a lot about handling other beings gently, and being merciful and gracious - simply through being ingrained by the opposite dynamic and opposing that.
I liked the validation of this article. Looking up
There are many forms of self-defense, but in my opinion, you really have to find the right person to help you, just as the author of the article linked above suggests.
I've found a couple of people I'm pretty sure may be able to finish this all off for me, but haven't called as yet, principally through busyness... and my social phobia that makes me averse to using the phone with strangers.
So I hope one day none of us will be haunted anymore and we will all be able to get on with our lives in peace...
Saturday 3 July 2010
Insight
I think that the body of science and thinking that might be called modern psychology, or Western psychology, or orhtodox psychology, could benefit by working with the spiritual traditions that are far older than it, for example Buddhism, which incoroporates an anceint practice of study of the mind. Comparatively such traditions could be seen to have more authority than modern psychology.
I have seen a book along these lines, a collaboration between the Dalai Lama and a Western psychologist. This can only be a good thing.
If insights can be gained from looking to spiritual traditions regarding normal psychology, I wonder how long it will be before science is taken to the spiritual worldviews regarding paranormal psychology, examining the transition where mind becomes spirit, and all the possible spiritual interactions that may follow. I've written on this blog before about how, roughly put, it's strange that rational people dismiss a lot of spiritual beliefs as superstition - for example amulets to ward off evil and curses, beliefs in interactions with deeply hostile spirits, and beliefs in ghosts and the possiblity of not transcending to Heaven on physical expiration. There is so much in these world traditions that could be considered evidence of the paranormal - and was wholly believed until quite recently.
But that's not everything, because spirituality does not just offer explanations of parapsychological ill health, it also offers solutions ( through the 'shamanic' ways, for example, or Christian exorcism).
Perhaps one day there will be a fuller and harmonious formal science of the mind that incorporates what is now known and practiced in religious traditions.
I have seen a book along these lines, a collaboration between the Dalai Lama and a Western psychologist. This can only be a good thing.
If insights can be gained from looking to spiritual traditions regarding normal psychology, I wonder how long it will be before science is taken to the spiritual worldviews regarding paranormal psychology, examining the transition where mind becomes spirit, and all the possible spiritual interactions that may follow. I've written on this blog before about how, roughly put, it's strange that rational people dismiss a lot of spiritual beliefs as superstition - for example amulets to ward off evil and curses, beliefs in interactions with deeply hostile spirits, and beliefs in ghosts and the possiblity of not transcending to Heaven on physical expiration. There is so much in these world traditions that could be considered evidence of the paranormal - and was wholly believed until quite recently.
But that's not everything, because spirituality does not just offer explanations of parapsychological ill health, it also offers solutions ( through the 'shamanic' ways, for example, or Christian exorcism).
Perhaps one day there will be a fuller and harmonious formal science of the mind that incorporates what is now known and practiced in religious traditions.
Terms
"Ghost-people" is more sensitve than "ghosts".
"Spirit-people" is more humanising than "spirits."
"Hostile spirits" is more prudent than "demons."
"Passed over" is more accurate than "dead."
My terminology is developing...
"Spirit-people" is more humanising than "spirits."
"Hostile spirits" is more prudent than "demons."
"Passed over" is more accurate than "dead."
My terminology is developing...
Telepathy
This is one that's going to get alarm bells going, too, telepathy - but I think it's far more common than most assume.
I realise that I get a lot of unidentified telepaths speaking in my mind every day.
Senders and receivers. Apparently we all fall into one of those two camps.
I must be a sender, because I get a lot of people hearing me. I get a lot of response to thoughts - flirty, funny, friendly or critical. Any of these can be intrusive - or not - but the critical ones will obviously be more likely to put a spanner in the works emotionally. Yes, being psychic can be fun, if you are 'alone', you can be laughing away because there's someone else there to share the joke!! Which, guess what, can look or sound crazy, and has embarrassed me, or nearly embarrassed me a number of times.
The amount of telepathy I get means that there must be a lot of telepathic people out there. I can sense, or figure out, that who I am hearing in my mind is mortal and not discarnate or celestial. You can just always tell. Celestial ones are loving, other spiritual ones are likely irritable or hostile, and earthly ones - I don't know, but I can tell that they're mortal.
Apparently everyone is telepathic. Apparently the telepathic centres are the meridians that run along the upper sides of the head.
Where thought goes, there energy follows is the famous saying. If you think of someone negatively, you will affect their mood - that's a telepathic effect.
It's hard to substantiate, but I think that I am so telepathic that I can cause others to awaken by being around them, and this is to do with the energy of intrusion that comes from hostile spirits. In public they can seek to shame me by causing telepathic connection with those I am around, whilst communicating a strong suggestion that I am unworthy. - That's painful, and sounds strange, but it's something that happens very often, and I think it contributes to my social phobia.
One person I was around for a while I later heard thinking "Am I mad?", as I had triggered an awakening in them; on another occasion I heard someone thinking the same thing, after spending a couple of hours in the same room with them and others during a turbulent inner conflict.
Again, I feel that last group of statements was a little weak in authority as testifying to something true and real (at the point where I was able to say that I had heard others thinking). This happens. It's the essence of telepathy!
When you hear the voices of celestial people, that's telepathy. When you hear the voices of ghost-people and hostile spirit-people in the etheric, that's telepathy.
I heard my brother thinking, not so long ago. He was going through a tough time, a personal crisis, and I heard him thinking "Who am I?" in an anguished way. I asked him about this later that night... and he confirmed it to me. This is quite a rare thing, a confirmed case of telepathy. That's a good thing to me personally, because I often feel a gap in authority when I'm telling him (and my mother) about my esoteric experiences of spiritual sensing - I suppose ever since I used to say irrational thing in the early stages of my schizophrenia; things like a confirmed instance of telepathy help my credibility with them.
They won't, for instance, believe that my once-deceased, passed-over, 'dead' father, now in Heaven, can be a pain in the back end quite often, in telling me what to do - that's not how spirits are supposed to act, they say. Maybe they aren't supposed to act that way, but they do! I get a sense of his presence, feel his irritation, and even get interference with what I am doing (most frequently a blocking of my creativity when I am playing the keyboard and he thinks I should be doing other things with my time). Quite satisfying that I now get to publicly get my own back and have a go at my dad in this post...
So, telepathy, very common among the population. There you go - and everyone's telepathic, that's how the universe works, just more or less noticeably.
I realise that I get a lot of unidentified telepaths speaking in my mind every day.
Senders and receivers. Apparently we all fall into one of those two camps.
I must be a sender, because I get a lot of people hearing me. I get a lot of response to thoughts - flirty, funny, friendly or critical. Any of these can be intrusive - or not - but the critical ones will obviously be more likely to put a spanner in the works emotionally. Yes, being psychic can be fun, if you are 'alone', you can be laughing away because there's someone else there to share the joke!! Which, guess what, can look or sound crazy, and has embarrassed me, or nearly embarrassed me a number of times.
The amount of telepathy I get means that there must be a lot of telepathic people out there. I can sense, or figure out, that who I am hearing in my mind is mortal and not discarnate or celestial. You can just always tell. Celestial ones are loving, other spiritual ones are likely irritable or hostile, and earthly ones - I don't know, but I can tell that they're mortal.
Apparently everyone is telepathic. Apparently the telepathic centres are the meridians that run along the upper sides of the head.
Where thought goes, there energy follows is the famous saying. If you think of someone negatively, you will affect their mood - that's a telepathic effect.
It's hard to substantiate, but I think that I am so telepathic that I can cause others to awaken by being around them, and this is to do with the energy of intrusion that comes from hostile spirits. In public they can seek to shame me by causing telepathic connection with those I am around, whilst communicating a strong suggestion that I am unworthy. - That's painful, and sounds strange, but it's something that happens very often, and I think it contributes to my social phobia.
One person I was around for a while I later heard thinking "Am I mad?", as I had triggered an awakening in them; on another occasion I heard someone thinking the same thing, after spending a couple of hours in the same room with them and others during a turbulent inner conflict.
Again, I feel that last group of statements was a little weak in authority as testifying to something true and real (at the point where I was able to say that I had heard others thinking). This happens. It's the essence of telepathy!
When you hear the voices of celestial people, that's telepathy. When you hear the voices of ghost-people and hostile spirit-people in the etheric, that's telepathy.
I heard my brother thinking, not so long ago. He was going through a tough time, a personal crisis, and I heard him thinking "Who am I?" in an anguished way. I asked him about this later that night... and he confirmed it to me. This is quite a rare thing, a confirmed case of telepathy. That's a good thing to me personally, because I often feel a gap in authority when I'm telling him (and my mother) about my esoteric experiences of spiritual sensing - I suppose ever since I used to say irrational thing in the early stages of my schizophrenia; things like a confirmed instance of telepathy help my credibility with them.
They won't, for instance, believe that my once-deceased, passed-over, 'dead' father, now in Heaven, can be a pain in the back end quite often, in telling me what to do - that's not how spirits are supposed to act, they say. Maybe they aren't supposed to act that way, but they do! I get a sense of his presence, feel his irritation, and even get interference with what I am doing (most frequently a blocking of my creativity when I am playing the keyboard and he thinks I should be doing other things with my time). Quite satisfying that I now get to publicly get my own back and have a go at my dad in this post...
So, telepathy, very common among the population. There you go - and everyone's telepathic, that's how the universe works, just more or less noticeably.
Friday 2 July 2010
Ongoing Saga. An important post.
I have identified a couple of top flight healers in the UK, my country, who I hope can help me. Both the individuals I am thinking of seeing have connections to the Spirit Release Foundation (I thank God for the SRF!)
As a side note, I think that spirit release (a new name for exorcism) is a valuable thing, and it's something I 'd quite like to learn about and be involved in sometime in my life, because I feel for the discarnate people who wander about the Earth plane when they should be in the higher spiritual realms.
As I have written already, I am under frequent psychic attack. How else can I describe this? Mental intrusion, loss of spiritual power, harmful spiritual voyeurism, spiritual harassment. I know what Penelope must have felt like in the Odysseus, her home full of interlopers and her husband Odysseus away - for me it's like the soul part who is the master of its territory is away, and all manner of energy is playing around my awareness instead. The level of psychic battling can be horribly intense, or very wearying, and it all starts within moments of waking,and continues until I fall asleep - it's challenging. I have been wondering recently if it was always mean to be this way, if I had planned for this before incarnating, ie if this was predestined, supposed to happen. I actually prefer to think that it was not supposed to happen.
I read the other day "We have all played the victim and the villain in our cycling through Life-experience"; I have also read that calling ourselves victims takes away our power. Instead of thinking in terms of victim and villain, we are often encouraged by knowing souls to raise our awareness and think of others harming us as servants of our growth, and we can even express gratitude to them - obviously that's quite a high level of understanding, and good for you if you reach it, it must be a happy place when it comes naturally.
I have come to realise that friendly ghosts can really misbehave sometimes - one was calling me names the other day, so I have stopped thinking of him as a friend, but send love to him at a higher level; "friends are friendly", and he's not always that.
I am mediumistic (psychic) to such an extent that I can be influenced not just at a mental level but at a phsyical level as well; the on-off friendly discarnate person mentioned above can actually speak through me a little bit, his favourite word "Result!", said whenever there is some little success in my daily round. This is a benign-ish intrusion, but annoying ultimately, though he won't stop when asked. Maybe he needs to
do it to affirm his existence.
If I was more mediumistic I would be able to go into trance and 'channel' spirits, but it kind of leaks through, as I am at the moment. I often know my dad is near, because his laugh will come through me if there's something going on he finds funny.
There are two levels of disturbance, the local kind from discarnate people not ready to be in Heaven, and from spirits further away not local to the Earth plane. The local ones are mostly benign-ish, but the ones further away are fairly ruthlessly harmful, taking the opportunity to cut into my awareness and project powerful negativity. At preseent I avoid live performances, radio, TV, live music (even recorded), because it's like a magnet for this distant harmful disturbance.
There's a kind of permitted lawlessness in my world, whereby even these spiritual attacks on others are permitted by God and Heaven etc., and the negativity, let me assure you dear reader, is very strong, could not be stronger in its malevolence and will to cause distress. This can cause some despair, but then you have to think, "Well, there has to be some order here, even though I don't yet understand it; all must be well, still."
So what with intrusion, which is wearing, plus the erosion of well-being caused by insults and injuries by those spirits who are basically able to watch whatever goes through my mind... I get pretty well beaten, psychologically, experiencing suffering and duress and distraction from ordinary life ansd success.
But Oh! the alarm bell has just gone off...
The alarm that says "OK, I was with you for a while, but now you've lost me - there's no way this can be real." I felt that alarm go when I was writing how the spirits are able to survey my every thought and feeling. Actually it's what Heaven does all the time - they like to come and visit when we think of them, to be in the aura of our love for them and commune with us (emanating their own love presumably). All those who watch over us to guide us presumably also our inner world to take care of us. Same as God does. So how did this happen to me? Why am I like this?
There are people who are sensitive to the spiritual; there are those who are not sensitive to the spiritual (but may still believe and have an active 'spiritual life'). I was very rarely sensitive to the spiritual until I smoked cannabis. I believe this cannabis use caused a spiritual emergency, a sudden spiritual awakening that damage my aura. Instead of evolving a sensitivity to the spiritual at a natural pace, it happened all at once - and also at a time of great fear and inner turmoil (going through a schizophrenic breakdown). Yes, I say you can be schizophrenic and 'psychic'. And yes, I say that a negative condition of psychic, mediumistic awareness can imitate schizophrenic symptoms - that's what this blog and blogger attest to. Mine was a unique psychological make-up that permitted 1) a sensitizing to the spiritual with cannabis use (for which it is used in India by 'sadhus' and 2) a full schizophrenic breakdown and continuing delusions of grandeur and so on.
If I had gradually become more sensitive to the spiritual, I probably would not be writing this now, would not be troubled by the proximity and intrusions of ghosts, and would know nothing of the vast malevolence that haunts regions of the etheric realm. Mind you, and this I will mind too, because it is an important personal point, if I had not had a rapid awakening, I would not have passed-over (once-deceased) friends, I would not know God like I do and have a strong optimistic faith in the afterlife, I would not know about the spiritual guidance we all receive, I would never have had a vision of my guide, and I would not have educated myself in the esoteric as I have done (as much as anyone can in eight or nine years!) That's a long list, and it's one to be grateful for. I love my celestial friends; not only are they lots of fun, and supportive, but they are faithful, by my side every day. I have a small bagful of friendship with God, too, who as we all know can seem an elusive character, and this is something special. Spirituality brings happiness and strength too, powerful experiences.
As a side note, I think that spirit release (a new name for exorcism) is a valuable thing, and it's something I 'd quite like to learn about and be involved in sometime in my life, because I feel for the discarnate people who wander about the Earth plane when they should be in the higher spiritual realms.
As I have written already, I am under frequent psychic attack. How else can I describe this? Mental intrusion, loss of spiritual power, harmful spiritual voyeurism, spiritual harassment. I know what Penelope must have felt like in the Odysseus, her home full of interlopers and her husband Odysseus away - for me it's like the soul part who is the master of its territory is away, and all manner of energy is playing around my awareness instead. The level of psychic battling can be horribly intense, or very wearying, and it all starts within moments of waking,and continues until I fall asleep - it's challenging. I have been wondering recently if it was always mean to be this way, if I had planned for this before incarnating, ie if this was predestined, supposed to happen. I actually prefer to think that it was not supposed to happen.
I read the other day "We have all played the victim and the villain in our cycling through Life-experience"; I have also read that calling ourselves victims takes away our power. Instead of thinking in terms of victim and villain, we are often encouraged by knowing souls to raise our awareness and think of others harming us as servants of our growth, and we can even express gratitude to them - obviously that's quite a high level of understanding, and good for you if you reach it, it must be a happy place when it comes naturally.
I have come to realise that friendly ghosts can really misbehave sometimes - one was calling me names the other day, so I have stopped thinking of him as a friend, but send love to him at a higher level; "friends are friendly", and he's not always that.
I am mediumistic (psychic) to such an extent that I can be influenced not just at a mental level but at a phsyical level as well; the on-off friendly discarnate person mentioned above can actually speak through me a little bit, his favourite word "Result!", said whenever there is some little success in my daily round. This is a benign-ish intrusion, but annoying ultimately, though he won't stop when asked. Maybe he needs to
do it to affirm his existence.
If I was more mediumistic I would be able to go into trance and 'channel' spirits, but it kind of leaks through, as I am at the moment. I often know my dad is near, because his laugh will come through me if there's something going on he finds funny.
There are two levels of disturbance, the local kind from discarnate people not ready to be in Heaven, and from spirits further away not local to the Earth plane. The local ones are mostly benign-ish, but the ones further away are fairly ruthlessly harmful, taking the opportunity to cut into my awareness and project powerful negativity. At preseent I avoid live performances, radio, TV, live music (even recorded), because it's like a magnet for this distant harmful disturbance.
There's a kind of permitted lawlessness in my world, whereby even these spiritual attacks on others are permitted by God and Heaven etc., and the negativity, let me assure you dear reader, is very strong, could not be stronger in its malevolence and will to cause distress. This can cause some despair, but then you have to think, "Well, there has to be some order here, even though I don't yet understand it; all must be well, still."
So what with intrusion, which is wearing, plus the erosion of well-being caused by insults and injuries by those spirits who are basically able to watch whatever goes through my mind... I get pretty well beaten, psychologically, experiencing suffering and duress and distraction from ordinary life ansd success.
But Oh! the alarm bell has just gone off...
The alarm that says "OK, I was with you for a while, but now you've lost me - there's no way this can be real." I felt that alarm go when I was writing how the spirits are able to survey my every thought and feeling. Actually it's what Heaven does all the time - they like to come and visit when we think of them, to be in the aura of our love for them and commune with us (emanating their own love presumably). All those who watch over us to guide us presumably also our inner world to take care of us. Same as God does. So how did this happen to me? Why am I like this?
There are people who are sensitive to the spiritual; there are those who are not sensitive to the spiritual (but may still believe and have an active 'spiritual life'). I was very rarely sensitive to the spiritual until I smoked cannabis. I believe this cannabis use caused a spiritual emergency, a sudden spiritual awakening that damage my aura. Instead of evolving a sensitivity to the spiritual at a natural pace, it happened all at once - and also at a time of great fear and inner turmoil (going through a schizophrenic breakdown). Yes, I say you can be schizophrenic and 'psychic'. And yes, I say that a negative condition of psychic, mediumistic awareness can imitate schizophrenic symptoms - that's what this blog and blogger attest to. Mine was a unique psychological make-up that permitted 1) a sensitizing to the spiritual with cannabis use (for which it is used in India by 'sadhus' and 2) a full schizophrenic breakdown and continuing delusions of grandeur and so on.
If I had gradually become more sensitive to the spiritual, I probably would not be writing this now, would not be troubled by the proximity and intrusions of ghosts, and would know nothing of the vast malevolence that haunts regions of the etheric realm. Mind you, and this I will mind too, because it is an important personal point, if I had not had a rapid awakening, I would not have passed-over (once-deceased) friends, I would not know God like I do and have a strong optimistic faith in the afterlife, I would not know about the spiritual guidance we all receive, I would never have had a vision of my guide, and I would not have educated myself in the esoteric as I have done (as much as anyone can in eight or nine years!) That's a long list, and it's one to be grateful for. I love my celestial friends; not only are they lots of fun, and supportive, but they are faithful, by my side every day. I have a small bagful of friendship with God, too, who as we all know can seem an elusive character, and this is something special. Spirituality brings happiness and strength too, powerful experiences.
Blogosphere
Is there anyone out there?
I'm hoping this is a worthwhile occupation of mine. I know there are millions of blogs out there. I'd like mine to be useful and read. Maybe it will be read the longer it stays on the web.
I'll keep publishing posts in the hopes it will serve someone. I know it helps me - it helps me clarify my ideas, and it's validating.
I'm hoping this is a worthwhile occupation of mine. I know there are millions of blogs out there. I'd like mine to be useful and read. Maybe it will be read the longer it stays on the web.
I'll keep publishing posts in the hopes it will serve someone. I know it helps me - it helps me clarify my ideas, and it's validating.
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