On The Outskirts: Life With Schizophrenia

Two things come to mind for this post:

1. A sense of being different
2. My relationship to my peers

I wish to write about what it's like when you have schizophrenia and you compare yourself to others.

As I have written elsewhere on this blog, as someone bearing the diagnosis of schizophrenia, I am a human with full humanity, who also has an alternate perception of the world. I have illness, but I also have the same desires from life as anyone. I wish for the same things that someone with good health wishes for.

• I wish to be successful in the world
• I wish to have a mate [a partner]
• I wish to have an active social circle

These are ordinary wishes, but for various reasons, I feel that I don't match up to my peers in these areas. I don't have an established career, or own a house; I am not married, I have no children. You can end up feeling gloomy about this, about this comparing. In the end, though, you don't have to compare.


But then, I am different. I was once like anyone else, then I found myself outside of normality, and  my whole mental life and personality and way of relating to the world and to other people has been different since - but it's becoming more normal. From being vastly delusional, I now have only a few discreetly held (but major) unusual beliefs about reality. From being very withdrawn, I can now pass for shy, yet courteous. From being very reluctant to speak, I am now someone who can seem normal in conversation. I still feel different, in terms of my confidence levels, and general state of relaxation. And I can't claim to be as externally successful as others my age. And I carry a diagnosis of mental illness that I feel can set me apart from many people. But I value where I've come from and the strength I've gained, and I believe I have something to contribute for being out of normality, and that those gifts will emerge when I'm ready.

Life on the outskirts, but coming back in; and becoming better able to relate to people.