A Spiritual Truth I Found That Helps Me Understand My History

"Every tragedy of the human experience can be attributed to one human decision - the decision to withdraw from each other."

The above is a quote from Neale Donald Walsch I came across on the web - that's to say, it's very probably a quote from God, via Neale Donald Walsch, because that's what they do. Mr Walsch has shared his inspirations in the books Conversations With God (in three volumes) and in other books since they were published. these books are one of a kind; I found them deeply informative, and comforting, even amusing - they're great! But if you are new to these books, they will require you recalibrate your awareness of the Divine, because they are different to other sources of spiritual information. You will have to be more expansive in outlook, because the God that came to Neale Donald Walsch one night in conversation to help him is everybody's God, not the God of this or that religion. Recommended reading, just on a 'life' basis, rather than schizophrenia-basis, - but certainly the books Mr Walsch has produced will help everyone feel more comfortable.

So. What did you read all that for? Now to the real point of the post! Re-read the quotation. Tragedy in our lives is always due to one decision, that is the decision to withdraw from each other. Wow. this is an especially poignant idea for people with schizophrenia, for whom social withdrawal is a key element (though perhaps sidelined element) as people with health issues. It goes beyond health issues, it is a social issue. A person connecting is a happy person and an active person. A person who hides themselves does so because it makes loneliness easier, because of their pain. I know I have been accustomed to an inner alarm of pain and panic when outside the home or near strangers, even when near family friends. I liken the social side of my condition to the ability to fly: you get injured, you forget how to fly, and meanwhile all the confident fliers around you are wondering what's wrong with you. I'm sure you can identify with that, if you are reading from the perspective of someone with schizophrenia.

What's wrong with us, then? What is the key injury? Perhaps for everyone this serious root of all problems is different. Looking back, I was really helped by this spiritual or metaphysical truth quoted above. Question: as social beings, can a serious illness like schizophrenia be put down to the moment when we withdraw, or begin to withdraw from others? Looking back, I can remember the exact day when the illness and withdrawal began - that seems to corroborate the statement that heads this post.

I was thinking, well, the first person I withdrew from was my 'love' at the time, a person I was very close to, and the withdrawal was purely of speech, I stopped speaking and confiding. Then I went on to become very socially withdrawn, isolating myself physically; at this stage I had 'forgotten how to fly' socially - gone was any sense of affableness, that gels social gatherings, I was awkwardly on the sidelines, and strangely silent. Next was the internal withdrawal. I retreated into my mind, to the centre of a place of pain, having terrible hallucinations and comforting myself with the presence of something that ironically was also hurting me and was my downfall - the intoxicant cannabis.

Back to the first moments of withdrawal, we find one piece of a two piece puzzle, the second of which only becomes obvious in context.

My first sign of illness and withdrawal was this: I was with my love in her bedroom in a simple communal flat; we decide that I will go out to buy some Coca Cola and other items for a pleasant snack; a  man enters the room and converses with my love in a friendly way, he is very confident in a laidback way, and a single man; while I am away, the real love that dares not speak its name - jealousy- enters my mind, and in a powerful fearful way - is she being unfaithful right this minute with that man, who lives in her neighbouring room?

Jealousy and fear. Irrational. The tendency to be jealous must be a natural weakness of the human mind, in its irrational fear.

Wikipedia describes "morbid jealousy" or "delusional jealousy" as a disorder also nicknamed "Othello syndrome". Wow. I'd never seen this information until I just looked it up to double check that there is a syndrome of thinking called delusional jealousy. Phew. Thinking your lover is having illicit relations with others when going to a public toilet, out of the room, or spending time with your best friend; I even once spent a short time outside her flat watching to see if she would leave after me, late one night. Ironically, the delusions came true, she formed a deep emotional attachment to my best friend, and I discovered them embracing one night in secret - merely embracing, but illicitly. I tried to make her confess, sat her down made her write, tears were coming from her eyes. There was nothing really to confess; he was my faithful friend and would not cross a line - close as brothers, yet we broke off contact soon after. I was mad. mad with jealousy, sometimes utterly heart-rended. My later withdrawal could have been a kind of emotional exhaustion, from all this.

This delusional jealousy is a pitiful state, truly inhabiting the ghost of Othello in all its drama and tragedy. My downfall - delusional jealousy. But hold one, didn't we say that cannabis was my downfall? This is that other piece of the puzzle, clearly. Illness onset with intense use of cannabis, and proceeded to take root and grow through yet further intense use of the illegal drug. It can only be that prior to this initial experience of jealousy was a quiet unhinging of my mentality, a loosening of the screws that would deny me the capacity to limit and disregard jealous thinking, or allow me to be afraid of infidelity in that situation in the first place.

I suppose it is natural for love to trust, and very natural for strong love not to question, even when suspicious - thus I remained silent. And more and more silent, not expressing myself at all. That's a kind of silence, that once overt in tantrums-without-explanation, is very injurious,  that must have caused a pain of similar proportions in the one I loved. But really, this episode gave me peaks of emotion almost unrivalled, except by thinking my father had been murdered, later on during that initial full breakdown that was to come with further cannabis abuse and isolation. But I'm still here.

So what about withdrawal? It first came in the withdrawal of verbal communication in not expressing my fears, - the suspiciousness, the jealousy. It then came in the withdrawal of my social abilities, I suppose as I became different in my mind and lost normality; it was like I had lost all 'presence' all powerfulness when in a social scene - physically I was withdrawn, shoulders huddled up, looking down, looking around with shyness, not able to think fast enough to contribute speech to conversations - and interested in other things through delusion maybe, through new religious fervour that had spontaneously begun with cannabis use. Then finally I withdrew inside, pushed the boat out; now I was ready to not talk, to not talk to others in 'social' settings - and even not talk when spoken to. Later my silence would infuriate my father, who misunderstood it as an offense.

Love, innocence of danger, cannabis use, subtle derangement, delusional jealousy, SILENCE, withdrawal, full madness.

So perhaps, if the opposite of withdrawal is reunion, then, (for me at least), it begins with a word spoken, with the opening of my mouth spontaneously and bravely to speak in a friendly way.

Remember this: speak up! It's so important! Share your thoughts. It's OK. And forget about being afraid of how others might react.

If the tragedy is withdrawal, then the illness is repaired by speaking and establishing anew meaningful connections with others - which action can seem so hard to someone who has developed a vritual phobia of social contact (the alarm bell in the stomach that alerts to the presence of "people"). What about the internal aspect, the return to the world from within? It must begin with willingness and intent, a full, living and hearty desire to commune and be a member of the Whole in awareness (as well as in fact, which is unchanging), a desire that is fed by thoughts that recognise the Light in the world and the love in society (whatever the health of society might be today).

I guess that's all. And the motto is "Health in Unity" and "Happiness in Unity". Saints say the way to become close to God is to serve humanity, and it is said that we do not know ourselves until we interact with other beings. Not just mother, father, brother, sister; not just beloved dog, cat or horse, (angels though they are, with four feet). Love all people; there is Light within everyone (whatever they say). It's a Divine wish, a wish of God that we love one another, for we are all so special to God.

I read that the Universe reciprocates to this effect: feed others and you will be fed; so if you are 'hungry', Get Up And Feed Another! And be faithful that in that reunion you will find the meaning that restores happiness to you.

Wishing you readiness and willingness to enter into community again, for your full health and happiness,

Mr S