I went to the doctor today and reported to him that in my last mini-depression I thought of self-harming and suicide. It is unusual for me to think of self-harming, but fairly regular for me to think of suicide in my depressive periods (which last up to five days). The reason is usually overwhelming irritation of my mind due to high levels of thought disturbance, namely of the experience of apparent intrusion into my mind by unwelcome spirit-people.
It's getting serious!
The doc upped my anti-depressants by 50%, did not describe an anti-anxiolytic for intermittent use as I was expecting, and suggested changing my anti-psychotic to clozapine. If you didn't know, clozapine is the drug that reaches the parts of your mind that other drugs cannot... If you are "treatment-resistant", then doctors may recommend clozapine, a powerful drug that requires patients to be monitored for white blood cell count anomalies and for blood pressure changes. Looking up about clozapine today, I was a bit scared by the side effects that can occur, such as myocarditis, a heart disorder that can result in cardiac failure (and physical expiration).
I still believe there are paranormal psychic phenomena going on in my life, and that these unusual phenomena are not hallucinations but real perceptions of spiritual reality. However, if a drug could take away those phenomena... I would be grateful.
My mood: I am feeling a bit gung-ho about the idea of taking a drug which could kill me. However, I feel hopeful about the prospects of improving under this medicine. But my white blood cell count is low; normal but low - and this may affect whether or not I can successfully be allowed to be treated with clozapine.
We shall see.
I am savouring the idea of being without mental disturbance. It's an amazing thought. "It would be a miracle if it worked," I told the doc.
Also, next to the frightening possibility of fatal side effects, are the probability of significant sedation and increased appetite. I weigh 15 stone at present; the normal for my height is maximum 13.5 stone. I know what it's like to be 17.5 stone, after the increased appetite I had on Olanzapine. This weight gain brings a risk of diabetes.
Right now I'm feeling my mortality.I don't wish my family to bury me any time soon (whatever the pain sensations are during depression).
I'd like to take this medicine. I'm thinking about my future and my purpose and my ambitions - I had planned to go to university this year, but if I'm heavily sedated and in need of frequent tests... Maybe I will postpone or abandon my plans. Hard thought.
My brother asked me what I would like to try, if anything, what is there in the world that could help me get better, other than this medicine? My answer was apparently not realistic. "I would like to be totally looked after and to have a forest I could walk around."
Then I remembered the area near the psychiatrist's office where I had been earlier today. I had got off the bus early to enjoy the walk. There were the most exquisite pine woods there... such a delight to see. Ironically they were in the grounds of a former asylum (a place where I could have gone to convalesce and been totally looked after, had I lived in another time). That very large pine wood would have been enough of a forest for me.
It makes sense that if self-neglect is an issue sometimes, then a person would benefit from being 'totally looked after' all the time. I don't have that. I live alone; I wouldn't want to give anyone, like my mother, a responsibility of care for me. But I guess it's difficult for me, it adds a fair degree of stress to be looking after myself.
That pine wood was a place of dreams, a place where all your cares would vanish... If you feel stress, I wish you happy times in nature.
With best wishes,
Mr. S.
It's getting serious!
The doc upped my anti-depressants by 50%, did not describe an anti-anxiolytic for intermittent use as I was expecting, and suggested changing my anti-psychotic to clozapine. If you didn't know, clozapine is the drug that reaches the parts of your mind that other drugs cannot... If you are "treatment-resistant", then doctors may recommend clozapine, a powerful drug that requires patients to be monitored for white blood cell count anomalies and for blood pressure changes. Looking up about clozapine today, I was a bit scared by the side effects that can occur, such as myocarditis, a heart disorder that can result in cardiac failure (and physical expiration).
I still believe there are paranormal psychic phenomena going on in my life, and that these unusual phenomena are not hallucinations but real perceptions of spiritual reality. However, if a drug could take away those phenomena... I would be grateful.
My mood: I am feeling a bit gung-ho about the idea of taking a drug which could kill me. However, I feel hopeful about the prospects of improving under this medicine. But my white blood cell count is low; normal but low - and this may affect whether or not I can successfully be allowed to be treated with clozapine.
We shall see.
I am savouring the idea of being without mental disturbance. It's an amazing thought. "It would be a miracle if it worked," I told the doc.
Also, next to the frightening possibility of fatal side effects, are the probability of significant sedation and increased appetite. I weigh 15 stone at present; the normal for my height is maximum 13.5 stone. I know what it's like to be 17.5 stone, after the increased appetite I had on Olanzapine. This weight gain brings a risk of diabetes.
Right now I'm feeling my mortality.I don't wish my family to bury me any time soon (whatever the pain sensations are during depression).
I'd like to take this medicine. I'm thinking about my future and my purpose and my ambitions - I had planned to go to university this year, but if I'm heavily sedated and in need of frequent tests... Maybe I will postpone or abandon my plans. Hard thought.
My brother asked me what I would like to try, if anything, what is there in the world that could help me get better, other than this medicine? My answer was apparently not realistic. "I would like to be totally looked after and to have a forest I could walk around."
Then I remembered the area near the psychiatrist's office where I had been earlier today. I had got off the bus early to enjoy the walk. There were the most exquisite pine woods there... such a delight to see. Ironically they were in the grounds of a former asylum (a place where I could have gone to convalesce and been totally looked after, had I lived in another time). That very large pine wood would have been enough of a forest for me.
It makes sense that if self-neglect is an issue sometimes, then a person would benefit from being 'totally looked after' all the time. I don't have that. I live alone; I wouldn't want to give anyone, like my mother, a responsibility of care for me. But I guess it's difficult for me, it adds a fair degree of stress to be looking after myself.
That pine wood was a place of dreams, a place where all your cares would vanish... If you feel stress, I wish you happy times in nature.
With best wishes,
Mr. S.
Mr S, a brilliant blog...
ReplyDeleteMy doctor suggested clozapine yesterday after a very long discussion. My instinct is to stay clear of them, mostly because of the weight gain and lethargy that may result. Having once been on the depot injections of dipixol and spending most of the time in bed, it is not a state I want to go back to.
The doctor and I discussed the possibility of a spiritual dimension that could be influencing what they describe as 'schizophrenia'; interestingly, as soon as I mentioned this, the clozapine was suggested!
My view is this: we all have a protective filter in our brains that shuts off awareness of paranormal phenomena around us. In cases like ours, that filter is slightly less effective, making us more susceptible to their influences. Taking the tablets would I feel help close that filter, but essentially would be burying my head in the sand from the amazing forces that I am now aware of. Of course, ingnorance is sometimes bliss, and the thought of leading an utterly normal life sometimes seems wonderful, but to do so would be essentially living a lie - though sometimes it is terrifying, other times utterly bewildering, the new world that my 'schizophrenia' has opened up to me is too special to turn away from - I've had a glimpse of the truth, and want more!
Thank you very much for the comment and compliment George! I suppose the docs want to keep us safe. But there's something wrong if they ignore the reality of a large percentage of the world's population - the extra-sensory reality (whether that be a belief in that reality or an experience of it).
ReplyDeleteAt the end of the day, you don't need schizophrenia to know the spiritual reality, so that's a good reason to go ahead and see if life is better with clozapine. I guess I'm afraid to take it because of all the tests...
My theory on the filter is that the biofield or 'aura' serves to block out paranormal reality usually, and this filter opens gradually in mystics and suddenly in people who might end up in the doctor's surgery...!
Thanks for reading, don't stop coming up with theories, and good luck with your medication!