Saw my new psychiatrist today.
Lots of history talk - my life history. Then the diagnosis. I think she was okay until I started to tell her about bad spirits exerting force on my thoughts to direct them towards painful ideas and cause me suffering. She explicitly said that it was the fact that I said there were spiritual forces manipulating my thoughts that had her worried - and earned me the diagnosis of schizophrenia.
It's not nice to be told you are insane - when you believe you are not. It hurts, like losing or being disqualified.
So then, on to medication. I had explained that the emotional pain was so frequent that I feel it in my body (around the diaphragm) - tiredness and pain. Could she do anything about it? Her answer was clozapine, because my condition was partially resistant to treatment. With clozapine, she said, there is a 50/50 chance of recovery - and a 1/100 of permanent damage to white blood cell generation (which is why once weekly blood tests are necessary); starting clozapine you also need to be admitted to hospital to be tested for blood pressure changes as well.
She also told me I should definitely take medicine for the rest of my life. She believed that if I came off anti-psychotic medication, I would be okay for a while, and then my health would deteriorate.
"Some people have one episode of psychosis, and then recover, but should always take medicine to prevent any recurrence. Another group of people have recurring episodes of breakdown [people like me, she said] - and these people should always take medicine. And another group never recover - and they should always be medicated as well."
The doc also did not know what clairaudience was. I had taken in a book I am reading and really value, called "Basic Psychic Development". She knew nothing about what being psychic is! I asked her if she was interested in it. I asked her how she could give a diagnosis when she knew nothing about this system of beliefs. I asked her if she believed in an invisible reality, as so many world religions do.
Nope, she didn't. Her belief system versus mine, she said - and who could tell who is right? Better to keep taking the medicine.
I believe I would be more myself without medicine, less repressed in so many ways. Do I really need them? I survived okay without them before (when undiagnosed,. back in 2000). The only thing that remains is my supposed spiritual perceptions, which I am at least used to, even if I haven't adapted to them yet.
I suppose there is a danger of psychotic breakdown through stress - but that can happen anyway, medicated or not - I know that much from previous experience (my second episode in 2008).
I was brought low by the idea of being on medication for life. I was also shocked by the risk of permanent damage to my system by clozapine. I was thirdly really brought low by following the doctor's idea that I was hallucinating every voice and every force on my thoughts, and that there s no invisible, "extra-sensory" reality - and I left the clinic thinking "Great: I'm TOTALLY crackers" (that means, 'completely insane' in the English idiom!) Not a nice feeling.
Hence the title of the post, "Wrath!" I feel low, and rebounding from that I feel angry that I have been, effectively, misjudged. I am also left wondering if the belief system of the psychiatrist will change over time. How can they ignore rare spiritual possibilities behind mental suffering?
What to do now?
The thought occurred to me, the host of heaven must resent the fact that we pretend we can't hear them when they come close, and that we suspect we are crazy when they speak to us.
When spirits came near after my doctor's appointment, I joked with them that I couldn't hear them / wouldn't listen to them, because they weren't real!
I would actually like to try clozapine - but then there's the old cliche that I wouldn't like to lose my 'good'
voices. I actually think they wouldn't go, but that the clozapine might close down the parts of the brain that open me to the bad spirits. There it is. Crazy, or not...?
I think I'm going to go for clozapine treatment - probably in August this year. I still believe that I'm pretty much mentally healthy in my perceptions and thinking, but I am also open to the possibility of clozapine taking away the painful patterns my mind is subject to.
Thanks for reading.
Lots of history talk - my life history. Then the diagnosis. I think she was okay until I started to tell her about bad spirits exerting force on my thoughts to direct them towards painful ideas and cause me suffering. She explicitly said that it was the fact that I said there were spiritual forces manipulating my thoughts that had her worried - and earned me the diagnosis of schizophrenia.
It's not nice to be told you are insane - when you believe you are not. It hurts, like losing or being disqualified.
So then, on to medication. I had explained that the emotional pain was so frequent that I feel it in my body (around the diaphragm) - tiredness and pain. Could she do anything about it? Her answer was clozapine, because my condition was partially resistant to treatment. With clozapine, she said, there is a 50/50 chance of recovery - and a 1/100 of permanent damage to white blood cell generation (which is why once weekly blood tests are necessary); starting clozapine you also need to be admitted to hospital to be tested for blood pressure changes as well.
She also told me I should definitely take medicine for the rest of my life. She believed that if I came off anti-psychotic medication, I would be okay for a while, and then my health would deteriorate.
"Some people have one episode of psychosis, and then recover, but should always take medicine to prevent any recurrence. Another group of people have recurring episodes of breakdown [people like me, she said] - and these people should always take medicine. And another group never recover - and they should always be medicated as well."
The doc also did not know what clairaudience was. I had taken in a book I am reading and really value, called "Basic Psychic Development". She knew nothing about what being psychic is! I asked her if she was interested in it. I asked her how she could give a diagnosis when she knew nothing about this system of beliefs. I asked her if she believed in an invisible reality, as so many world religions do.
Nope, she didn't. Her belief system versus mine, she said - and who could tell who is right? Better to keep taking the medicine.
I believe I would be more myself without medicine, less repressed in so many ways. Do I really need them? I survived okay without them before (when undiagnosed,. back in 2000). The only thing that remains is my supposed spiritual perceptions, which I am at least used to, even if I haven't adapted to them yet.
I suppose there is a danger of psychotic breakdown through stress - but that can happen anyway, medicated or not - I know that much from previous experience (my second episode in 2008).
I was brought low by the idea of being on medication for life. I was also shocked by the risk of permanent damage to my system by clozapine. I was thirdly really brought low by following the doctor's idea that I was hallucinating every voice and every force on my thoughts, and that there s no invisible, "extra-sensory" reality - and I left the clinic thinking "Great: I'm TOTALLY crackers" (that means, 'completely insane' in the English idiom!) Not a nice feeling.
Hence the title of the post, "Wrath!" I feel low, and rebounding from that I feel angry that I have been, effectively, misjudged. I am also left wondering if the belief system of the psychiatrist will change over time. How can they ignore rare spiritual possibilities behind mental suffering?
What to do now?
The thought occurred to me, the host of heaven must resent the fact that we pretend we can't hear them when they come close, and that we suspect we are crazy when they speak to us.
When spirits came near after my doctor's appointment, I joked with them that I couldn't hear them / wouldn't listen to them, because they weren't real!
I would actually like to try clozapine - but then there's the old cliche that I wouldn't like to lose my 'good'
voices. I actually think they wouldn't go, but that the clozapine might close down the parts of the brain that open me to the bad spirits. There it is. Crazy, or not...?
I think I'm going to go for clozapine treatment - probably in August this year. I still believe that I'm pretty much mentally healthy in my perceptions and thinking, but I am also open to the possibility of clozapine taking away the painful patterns my mind is subject to.
Thanks for reading.
You see from my perspective, you don't need the meds but you do need to stop indulging in the spiritual aspects of life. Get back down to earth and get back to productive work. You also needs a community, some friends.
ReplyDeleteAt your later stage in life, the only way to find community would either be: your religious group (which I think is part of the problem, because like I said, you need to break away from that crap - God isn't going to come out of the invisible and thank you for fighting secular science - the best way for you to fight secular science is to become a scientist yourself and help others that way ... I mean join your church if you want, and find a nice girl there ... but don't keep trying to pull God out of the invisible like some Tower of Babble scenario). An aternative to your religious community might be a chess club - but that's very boring, join a sport team - boring, ... no, the one thing that will accept you and embrace you is your ethnic team - you might find this concept odd, but where you live that might be the British National Party. Think of the Jews- a Jew can go into any city in North America or Europe and immediately have community and a support network - they have synagogues, community centers, etc ... they help and love each other, ...they can also go to Israel. They are an ethnicity, nation, religion, culture, language, biological familial concept, customs, rich history, etc ... all those elements work together to make them a strong, binded, loving community under God. The BNP emulates the Jews, except it's a British concept of ethnicity under God. As for religion, they're accepting of Christians and Spiritual Agnostics/ Atheists/ anything. I know it's a bit of a sick concept, in other ways its a very healthy concept ... it might help your situation. Either do that or join the Masons or something. You need your team, your 'we'. God isn't much for company - He/She/It is pretty crappy company actually.
Good luck. Praise be to God and all that crap. Cheers
-Sam